Hello, wonderful Cemb forum.
Yet another enters the ranks of fully-fledged apostates
The trip here has not been easy by any means: the thoughts first began last ramadan (ramadanites you call it here, right?), and went on to torment me for several weeks and months (the first couple of weeks were by far some of the most difficult i've ever experienced in my life).
I am no expert on Islam (hell, i've only skimmed the Quran - though it has been on my nightstand for the last couple of weeks: I've been meaning to read it), but seeing everyday-life in a predominantly muslim society, and attending Quranic school and weekly seminars for many years means that my choice isn't one that comes from total ignorance.
Even though i was never the most pracitioning - or believing muslim, the indoctrination got to me aswell: the amount of times i wept as a kid, because of the thought of eternal torture (which truly is the most hideous thing you could ever tell a child) is astonishing.
A funny story (it sure as hell wasn't funny in the moment, but i can laugh at it now):
When my thoughts first arose, i had dreams of Baphomet (that's always how i envisioned Shaitan looking)
It was the same frightening nightmare every night for a couple weeks; i was standing on the stairs of the 2nd story of 3 story building (my friends apartment), and Baphomet (who appears gigantic) suddenly appears above me, about 10 meters from where i'm standing, we look at each other and he spreads his wings, flies and then attacks me. That's when i would always wake up or the dream would change. I hate my subconsciousness, it always takes in so much shit
For now i'm just waiting till I can move away for Uni, but for the time being i'm stuck. Forced to lie as to who i am: a user on reddit once described it as the mushroom treatment: "Keep them in the dark, and feed them shit"
Coming out will never be an option for me: I have no wish, to lose the few people who i love (even if they don't love me regardless of everything), and honestly, i don't have spine to accept the many bullshit character assinations that would be headede my way. No, i'm not too westernized, i don't hate myself or my ethnicity you fool, and my choice is built on reason not emotions and my thirst for doing haram things. Imbeciles.
What attracted me to this forum (i've been lurking for about a year or so), was especially your nuanced view on things. You don't seem like right-wing bigots who seem to think that every muslim is the incarnation of the "holy 19" - or whatever the baboon Anjem Choudary likes to call the 9/11 hijackers these days.
Thanks for having me
Yours, sincerely Ibeen9
(I know my punctuation is bad. It always has been in every single language, i don't know why
)
Topic: Yet another somali from Scandinavia