❀ Random breakdowns

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❀ Random breakdowns
OP - November 18, 2014, 08:01 PM

I usually have random breakdowns every now and again. Sometimes it can last for a few days straight, where I cry almost every day & night and sometimes it's 1-2 times a week.

I just start thinking about my life ahead, how hard I find it without my parents support. I always imagined a life where I'd be happy within my family and with my parents but that can't happen anymore. I want to make so many choices, I want to tell them so many things. I want to be ABLE to be honest with them but I can't. I can't tell them about my views, what I want out of life or anything that isn't in their religion or culture. I don't know how to stop having these breakdowns. It's just so difficult because I'm so attached to my family. I want to be able to do things with my life already and stop procrastinating because I'm scared of losing them and their support. It sucks so much. I just wish I had a life where my parents supported me with every choice I made regardless if they agreed or not. :(

✿ Bad news is: ✿
You cannot make people like, love, understand, validate,
accept, or be nice to you. You can't control them either.
✿ Good news is: ✿
It doesn't matter.
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Reply #1 - November 18, 2014, 08:21 PM

Parents are not superhumans. They are imperfect, full of flaws and they make mistakes all the time.
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Reply #2 - November 18, 2014, 08:33 PM

Quote from: Ri on November 18, 2014, 08:01 PM
I usually have random breakdowns every now and again. Sometimes it can last for a few days straight, where I cry almost every day & night and sometimes it's 1-2 times a week.

I just start thinking about my life ahead, how hard I find it without my parents support. I always imagined a life where I'd be happy within my family and with my parents but that can't happen anymore. I want to make so many choices, I want to tell them so many things. I want to be ABLE to be honest with them but I can't. I can't tell them about my views, what I want out of life or anything that isn't in their religion or culture. I don't know how to stop having these breakdowns. It's just so difficult because I'm so attached to my family. I want to be able to do things with my life already and stop procasinating because I'm scared of losing them and their support. It sucks so much. I just wish I had a life where my parents supported me with every choice I made regardless if they agreed or not. :(

I understand what you mean. It's so much worse for a woman growing up in a patriarchal culture where the expetations to speak and behave in an automated way defnes who you are as a person, whereas who actually are as a person is hidden behind a facade you create to please others around you.

Free the Unicorn and taste the rainbow beneath the willow tree by the waterfall and runaway with me to a better place, where we rely on each other, uh-huh, from one lover to another uh-huh.

No free mixing of the sexes is permitted on these forums or via PM or the various chat groups that are operating.

Women must write modestly and all men must lower their case.

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?425649-Have-some-Hayaa-%28modesty-shame%29-people!
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Reply #3 - November 19, 2014, 02:32 AM

Everything Jedi said minus the unicorn stuff, that's beyond my understanding.

Just keep your head up, focus on building your life and your future and finding happiness for yourself.
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Reply #4 - December 08, 2014, 01:15 PM

After two weeks I have this breakdown again and I just can't stop crying and hating my life. I told my mum I feel depressed and she just tells me, "you should engage with your family more". I DON'T WANT to engage with my family. It's so hard every day being reminded of what I'm expected of as a Muslim girl. I try to talk to a close friend about the way I feel, sometimes slightly suicidal, but hardly anybody understands my situation and they tell me I'm weak minded and I can't fight for what I want. I've been trying, but it feels like no matter how much I try I'll feel weighed down by my parents expectations. And it's just so hard because I love my family so much and I don't want to hurt them in any way. I'm so close to them, it hurts to think that I'll be known as a 'disgrace' sometime to them and that they'll hate me forever.

Ugh.... Why does religion ~~fucking~~ exist.

✿ Bad news is: ✿
You cannot make people like, love, understand, validate,
accept, or be nice to you. You can't control them either.
✿ Good news is: ✿
It doesn't matter.
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Reply #5 - December 08, 2014, 03:53 PM

I really understand how you feel Ri, this is perfectly normal. We do not plan to detach ourselves from the family but even if they don't want to eventually accept us as we are, as ex muslims eventually you will also outgrow them.

Sadly it is hard to have everything we want, but choices need to be made eventually and in time (When you are ready). Eventually we have to grow to except that everything is changing and so are we.

Give yourself time, don't be too hard on yourself and let yourself grow with the situation. And hey since when is crying a bad thing Get it all out.

"I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

"This is the only heaven we have how dare you make it a hell" Dr Marlene Winell
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Reply #6 - December 08, 2014, 04:45 PM

Aaaaaaaw Ri

Please feel your cheery, lovely self again!

You're amazing, you know you are. Don't put too much pressure on yourself as you have so much to give. How can others recognise this when you have yet to?

Have a unicorn!

No free mixing of the sexes is permitted on these forums or via PM or the various chat groups that are operating.

Women must write modestly and all men must lower their case.

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?425649-Have-some-Hayaa-%28modesty-shame%29-people!
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Reply #7 - December 08, 2014, 08:43 PM

I know how you feel I am going through depression at the moment
Having a disability just make things worse
I feel like my life is going nowh
I told my mum that I wanted to move out yesterday
Can't even have a guide dog in the house it's ridiculous
She said why do you want one of those they are dirty
I have a Hindu friend doesn't have to go through this stuff
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Reply #8 - December 08, 2014, 10:28 PM

This definitely sounds like depression to me
Please seek help from your GP and talk about these issues with a counsellor
I know how you feel because I'm kinda still going through it but my burden has been lifted somewhat because I've managed to get my parents to finally see sense in terms of my career and marriage
But other things they might not get on board with eg my lack of belief in Islam. Maybe one day they'll realise and don't care? I can only hope

In the meantime please seek help otherwise this will end up destroying you

Run my dear, from anything that may not strengthen your precious budding wings
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Reply #9 - December 09, 2014, 09:03 AM

I called my doctor to make an appointment. I told my parents I might be depressed, but they don't understand why (obviously) and keep giving me reasons as to why I shouldn't be depressed. "Your life is good. You have money. You have anything you want. Other people don't even have parents, you have no reason to be sad. Allah will be angry with you for being depressed for no reason."

✿ Bad news is: ✿
You cannot make people like, love, understand, validate,
accept, or be nice to you. You can't control them either.
✿ Good news is: ✿
It doesn't matter.
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Reply #10 - December 09, 2014, 09:08 AM

Now my dad is angry. He's telling me it's because I don't pray 5 times a day or go to mosque and is blaming everything I do as a cause. FFS.

✿ Bad news is: ✿
You cannot make people like, love, understand, validate,
accept, or be nice to you. You can't control them either.
✿ Good news is: ✿
It doesn't matter.
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Reply #11 - December 09, 2014, 11:15 AM

A doctor is a good first step, also try looking for a good counselor/therapist preferably a secular one.

"I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

"This is the only heaven we have how dare you make it a hell" Dr Marlene Winell
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Reply #12 - December 09, 2014, 12:54 PM

Quote from: Ri on December 09, 2014, 09:08 AM
Now my dad is angry. He's telling me it's because I don't pray 5 times a day or go to mosque and is blaming everything I do as a cause. FFS.

Oh for heavens sake
My friend told me that if I prayed I'd feel better
Parents don't understand "you have food on the table, you have a home, what more do you need"
Families really need educating on this

Run my dear, from anything that may not strengthen your precious budding wings
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Reply #13 - December 09, 2014, 02:58 PM

My mum just came over and asked me if there was anything I could tell her and that she is going to be there for me, whatever it is that's causing me to feel this way. She told me I can tell her anything.

I feel the urge to tell her.

✿ Bad news is: ✿
You cannot make people like, love, understand, validate,
accept, or be nice to you. You can't control them either.
✿ Good news is: ✿
It doesn't matter.
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Reply #14 - December 09, 2014, 04:31 PM

My mum complains I don't talk to her but when I do, she never understands and starts shouting

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Reply #15 - December 09, 2014, 04:35 PM

Ye my mums the same, complains I don't talk to her and when I do she doesnt want to listen.

Ideally mums want you to be a certain way and if you not then all hell breaks loose.

My mum doesn't even try to understand me and can't as she lives inside a very narrow box.

"I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

"This is the only heaven we have how dare you make it a hell" Dr Marlene Winell
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Reply #16 - December 09, 2014, 06:51 PM

My mum is exactly the same way, but I just felt the urge to tell her. I didn't end up telling her anyway. I realised it contradicts everything else she's ever said in the past.

✿ Bad news is: ✿
You cannot make people like, love, understand, validate,
accept, or be nice to you. You can't control them either.
✿ Good news is: ✿
It doesn't matter.
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Reply #17 - December 09, 2014, 06:53 PM

I know, I Always have this urge and desire to just come clean to my mum about everything, because at my age it is exhausting keeping these huge secrets. But ultimately while I am under her roof, I can not take that risk. You probably should not either

"I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

"This is the only heaven we have how dare you make it a hell" Dr Marlene Winell
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Reply #18 - December 09, 2014, 10:12 PM

My dad bought me a new laptop today. (I was planning to sell my computer and buy a laptop)

He gave me the new laptop and said "I give you anything you want, you have no reason to be sad anymore." I feel guilty for being atheist now and the way I am. This is ~~fucking~~ terrible.

✿ Bad news is: ✿
You cannot make people like, love, understand, validate,
accept, or be nice to you. You can't control them either.
✿ Good news is: ✿
It doesn't matter.
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Reply #19 - December 09, 2014, 10:14 PM

Quote from: Ri on December 09, 2014, 10:12 PM
My dad bought me a new laptop today. (I was planning to sell my computer and buy a laptop)

He gave me the new laptop and said "I give you anything you want, you have no reason to be sad anymore." I feel guilty for being atheist now and the way I am. This is ~~fucking~~ terrible.

He gives you everything MATERIAL you want/need, but not his acceptance of you as you are which is the biggest want you have!
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Reply #20 - December 09, 2014, 11:00 PM

Quote from: Ri on December 09, 2014, 06:51 PM
My mum is exactly the same way, but I just felt the urge to tell her. I didn't end up telling her anyway. I realised it contradicts everything she's ever said in the past.

Now is not the time to tell her Ri, in my opinion. You did right to hold it in. I've gone back and read your introduction, and I can see that you are still young and still finding your feet. Once you've found them, and are perhaps jetting off around the world, you can reconsider whether you want to open up to them. It may not be as important for you to do so then. And if it still is, then you will have your independence to fall back on should they not take what you have to say too well. I know it is difficult, but could you possibly keep your head down for a while, and count down the days and months when you will gradually earn your independence?

What are you like in between your bouts of being down? Are you always sad to a degree, or do you have better days also?

Hi
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Reply #21 - December 09, 2014, 11:28 PM

Quote from: Ri on December 09, 2014, 10:12 PM
He gave me the new laptop and said "I give you anything you want, you have no reason to be sad anymore."

Same as all the emotionally-starved aristocratic junkies I went to school with.
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Reply #22 - December 10, 2014, 01:06 AM

Quote from: musivore on December 09, 2014, 11:00 PM
Now is not the time to tell her Ri, in my opinion. You did right to hold it in. I've gone back and read your introduction, and I can see that you are still young and still finding your feet. Once you've found them, and are perhaps jetting off around the world, you can reconsider whether you want to open up to them. It may not be as important for you to do so then. And if it still is, then you will have your independence to fall back on should they not take what you have to say too well. I know it is difficult, but could you possibly keep your head down for a while, and count down the days and months when you will gradually earn your independence?

What are you like in between your bouts of being down? Are you always sad to a degree, or do you have better days also?

Yes I have days where I look forward to my future, then back to sad days. It's like a rollercoaster, lol

✿ Bad news is: ✿
You cannot make people like, love, understand, validate,
accept, or be nice to you. You can't control them either.
✿ Good news is: ✿
It doesn't matter.
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Reply #23 - December 10, 2014, 07:27 AM

Glad to hear it. I was wondering if your down spells are part of a wider depression, that it might help to talk to a doctor about? You're probably best to judge that though.

Hi
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Reply #24 - December 10, 2014, 02:08 PM

UPDATE

I ended up talking to my mother. She kept asking what was wrong with me. I told her she wouldn't understand and she said she will. So I started crying and she hugged me, so then I told her she can't tell my dad first and then I said I wasn't like any of them (my family) and I didn't believe in Allah. I told her that I tried connecting with Allah but I can't. Then she told me, "that's all? That's fine, it's your right to believe what you want. You were born as a Muslim and if you don't believe in it then it's your life."

I was pretty surprised she said that, but then after she told me that I needed help and started telling me stories about Allah. She said "Allah won't care what you are, as long as you don't cause others harm. Allah is 70 times more like a mother than I am and I forgave you so Allah will too. As long as you are a good person and don't do evil things, then Allah is happy." Which is ok, she didn't go ballistic on me but then she went on about Prophet Mohammed and how he predicted airplanes to exist and tons of other things.. Oh and how he brought respect to women and children. Then she compared that to white women and how they aren't as respected as Muslim women and their lives suck. Then she went back to how Allah guides people to success and then I told her some people are successful without believing in something and she tried to tell me that wasn't true.

She then was happy at the fact my issue was not having a relationship with a boy but an issue with religion. She said, "Oh, that's what's bothering you? I thought you had a boyfriend." And she also told me how she wouldn't be accepting someone who wasn't the same ethnicity, etc.

She's being really sweet to me though and offered to go see a movie today. I really don't think she understands me fully. Maybe she thinks I'm going through a phase. I feel really awkward now after it though and still not content as much as I thought I would be.

✿ Bad news is: ✿
You cannot make people like, love, understand, validate,
accept, or be nice to you. You can't control them either.
✿ Good news is: ✿
It doesn't matter.
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Reply #25 - December 10, 2014, 02:19 PM

Aw, this is great news, Ri. Whether or not she's fully accepted it as a permanent decision, you can tell she really loves you and is going to stick by your side. She may always want you to return to Islam, but this is a great foundation. Do what she asks and just live your life and be a good person, and go with her to see that movie.
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Reply #26 - December 10, 2014, 02:39 PM

Quote from: Ri on December 10, 2014, 02:08 PM
UPDATE
And she also told me how she wouldn't be accepting someone who wasn't the same ethnicity, etc.

Depressing.

Shameless, nay proud, racism. It's got to stop.
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Reply #27 - December 10, 2014, 02:48 PM

I am kind of of the conclusion that racism is a form of OCD. Things don't match looks wise and dress wise so it "doesn't feel right".
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Reply #28 - December 10, 2014, 03:02 PM

Racism is flight from curiosity.

(I actually hate the word 'racism'. Its use seldom promotes clarity of thought or social harmony.)
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Reply #29 - December 11, 2014, 03:40 AM

Good to hear that I. Just always remember mother's knows best. Believe what you really believe in
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