Mental/Emotional Numbess

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- ahlam.1
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- I'm a dreamer
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Mental/Emotional Numbess
OP - February 16, 2015, 02:51 AM

I have a difficult time expressing myself and my thoughts, so bare with me, there is a lot on my mind. I am a mid-20s Arab Amer. female who has left Islam a few years back (although thinking about it now, my doubts started in my early teens). I left Islam for the reasons many have mentioned on this forum; the main reason being my non-belief in a higher being (the idea of a "god" is a creation of religion, and religion is a creation of man, thus god is man's creation). I joined this forum last summer and have not posted much since then, mainly because I am busy with school and work.
I decided to write this as a way to reach out for support/help/advice. I have grown to be apathetic to many things in my life, including my family (who mean the world to me) and myself. I wear hijab and I feel that it is further suppressing my identity and being. I keep it on for my family (who do not know that I am atheist), and it is extremely difficult to explain that to friends who do not share my cultural/religious background. Anyway, I feel as if I am waking up and heading back to sleep and the cycle repeats. Nothing has an impact on me. No one has an impact on me. This is ruining my relations with friends and others as I am unable to sympathize or connect with anyone. It is also hindering my career which requires some networking with other professionals.
This is leading to believe that I may be clinically depressed. I don't know who to talk to or what to do. My crying spells have been occurring more frequently and I have been turning to alcohol to self medicate. I limit my drinking to wine, as I am well aware of the health effects of alcohol.
I'm not sure if I have portrayed my state of mind accurately but to sum it up, I feel depressed and hopeless. Nothing motivates me, I have lost the vision I once had for myself and I don't know what I want out of life. I am looking for perhaps self-help books that maybe you have read and found to be helpful (the book that has "change your life"). Suggestions, advice, shared relatable experiences will be appreciated.

"...after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it." Buddha
- three
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Reply #1 - February 16, 2015, 03:19 AM

I wish I were not ill. I fear my brain is a bit foggy. I am familiar with the condition. What I did to combat is (and I realize not all of these might be feasible for you, this is just my own experience):
I left my environment and moved far away.
I critically examined who I wanted to be and what I needed to change about myself to be happier.
I got some counseling.
I cut out negative people.
I sought out people with the same experiences, or at least people who understood my situation.
I got a bit more assertive (which in my case is not saying too much).
I consciously recalled my prior interests, including interests from childhood, and began indulging in those again, even if my heart was not in it, there was some sort of recall and it lifted my mood a bit, I began to reconnect. With me.
I took an awful lot of time for myself, alone, doing what I wanted.
I considered medication and found the one that I needed, after a year of asking every medical professional I met. Worth the wait.
I began CBT, mostly by myself, and when I found myself being apathetic or nonresponsive to something that formerly mattered to me, I pounced on it and made myself take notice and then identify the correct response.

I hope that helps. I am really sorry. I know how frightening it is to feel yourself going dead inside. It's nightmarish, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I am not like that any longer.
Go for professional help first, it really solidifies your plan for change, and it involves people who know how to do it.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
- lena
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Reply #2 - February 16, 2015, 11:05 AM

Hi Ahlam,
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time.

This website helped me when I was feeling depressed. http://www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys-to-happier-living

Best wishes

Lena
- Jack Torrance
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Reply #3 - February 16, 2015, 12:06 PM

Quote from: ahlam.1 on February 16, 2015, 02:51 AM
I'm not sure if I have portrayed my state of mind accurately but to sum it up, I feel depressed and hopeless. Nothing motivates me, I have lost the vision I once had for myself and I don't know what I want out of life. I am looking for perhaps self-help books that maybe you have read and found to be helpful (the book that has "change your life"). Suggestions, advice, shared relatable experiences will be appreciated.

Hi Ahlam, I recognise those feelings. I've found Eckhart Tolle's work to be useful to help get things back in perspective, and seeing things in their true perspective is often all it takes, good luck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gDJnbV6fas

Ha Ha.
- suki
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Reply #4 - February 16, 2015, 05:57 PM

Sorry to hear what your'e going through Ahlam, been feeling similar for a while and like you have been self medicating with too much alcohol whilst also avoiding the hard stuff to be safe. I don't have any clever advice but if your'e feeling down my only suggestion would be that you try your very best to give up the regular wine drinking or atleast cut it down. Overdosing on alcohol can in some people, like me, make the condition worse and lead to further depression and anxiety. Probably seeking professional help would be a good thing, you may also lay down on the Cemb couch and let it all out..

I wish you well..
- ahlam.1
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Reply #5 - February 17, 2015, 03:18 AM

Thank you all for your kinds words and advice.

I appreciate the concern suki:) (I am not a heavy drinker, and limit my intake to 3-4 days/week; that is a lot to me since I had never really drank in my life).

Jack Torrance, I just finished watching the video you shared, thanks. My only difficultly is not knowing how to live in the present moment. I try to pay attention to my senses, and less to my thoughts, but that is extremely difficult to maintain throughout the day (my days consist of school, work, studying, repeat; so lots of thinking). Any tips?

Lena, thank you for sharing that link, I am going over the steps:)

three, your suggestions have me thinking, they are all practical aside from moving, which may be what I really need (but Arab/Muslim parents are a difficult story). I have meditated in the past and found it to be extremely beneficial; there are also scientific studies that demonstrate the powerful physical and mental effects of meditation. I am going to think about what I used to enjoy and try to figure out why I gave on those activities.

I have tried professional help, but did not find it to be too helpful. I have not come across a professional from a similar background with the right cultural competencies to really understand my struggles; and even if I do, I don't know how I feel about opening up about my religious views.

"...after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it." Buddha
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Reply #6 - February 17, 2015, 04:37 AM

You've gotten a lot of great advice. I don't think I have much to add, unfortunately. But hopefully you'll find something that works for you.
- yeezevee
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Reply #7 - February 19, 2015, 03:13 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsqDyEMkLpQ

that is worth watching ..but one has to be careful in drawing conclusions from any of such videos either they are Pro or anti-medications..

Top 10 Drug Products by Sales in 2008

Top 10 Drug Products by Sales in 2014

interesting.,,, lots of money in those Psych meds..

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
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Reply #8 - February 20, 2015, 03:06 AM

Quote from: ahlam.1 on February 17, 2015, 03:18 AM

I have tried professional help, but did not find it to be too helpful. I have not come across a professional from a similar background with the right cultural competencies to really understand my struggles; and even if I do, I don't know how I feel about opening up about my religious views.

I have found a Western therapist who gets it. I think you should look, anyway. Because unlike the Muslim therapists I knew, the Western therapists take their confidentiality agreements very seriously. What you say to them stays with them. If you get someone with an open mind, and a good deal of empathy, it can really help. If I found one in the middle of Republican farm country, you should be able to.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
- ExMuslimVlogGuy
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Reply #9 - December 05, 2015, 03:07 AM

This is an old post but I feel I could relate to you so much as an ex-muslim man.

I left Islam in 2014, last year. I felt great, and felt like I had my freedom, but apathy would soon creep up on me. I thought I kicked depression's ass, but it snuck up on me and smacked me in the face. I didn't address my inside anger I had from various issues and from being a muslim.. And I quickly joined to learn martial arts to channel my aggression.. But more anger remained. We turn our anger toward ourselves. That's why we feel like we're not worth it. And when we feel we're not worth it, we lack enthusiasm to live this life. Anger is not conquerable and we cannot face it alone. That's why we should never forget who we were before the depression.

Now I still go through some tough times, but know that you should cut out alcohol, weed, and cigarettes from your life.

Intoxicants won't give you that "enjoying life" feel, it just numbs your pain temporarily. Same with cigarettes, except you're shortening your life with those.

I know what it's like not to communicate with anyone, except to ask the gas station register for a pack of smokes. I know what it's like to have negative family members talk shit about you when you haven't talked to them in ages.

You have to have pure will power. Think of a fighting spirit. Anything that makes you feel "Dammnit I deserve better."

If you like being immersed in your thoughts, start thinking about yourself 10 years down the line being exactly how you are in the present moment. Imagine how much that would suck.

I failed at getting in shape many times. I failed at friendships many times. Failed at jobs. Forget relationships. I haven't had one in 10 years.

Everything just seems it's not worth a pursuit. Apathy. I know the feeling well.

But if you could just find it within yourself to do things a little different. A little more healthier. Cleaning up your room. Doing 10 pushups. SMALL things. Nothing big. You'll start to increase a little.

Forget talking to people about your issues. Forget telling people, "I have anxiety." You're right. They won't understand.

Imagine yourself reflecting off a mirror. Are you bringing a shitty negative energy? Do you want to do that the rest of your life? Some people are satisfied with that... But are you?

Those are some things you gotta think about.

"If you don't like your religion's fundamentalists, then maybe there's something wrong with your religion's fundamentals."
"Demanding blind respect but not offering any respect in reciprocation is laughable."
"Let all the people in all the worlds be in peace."
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