Born Sinner
Reply #67 - April 14, 2015, 06:22 PM
After coming back from Spain I finally decided to stop with my course due to poor concentration and low mood, however I did not know that I suddenly had more time to think about religion. I couldn't repress it anymore so I started to talk more often about religion/islam with my best friend. It became clear that I had certain principles and ideas that weren't supported by islam. I've always supported gay rights & gender equality but I never criticised islam, too scared to go against the teachings of Mohammed. At this point I couldn't deny my principles going against islam anymore and tried to muslims with similar views. I found this website called new mosque, while browsing their website I felt like I was doing something really wrong. I've been brought up as a sunni and this wasn't what I was thaught. This website was using certain hadiths and ayah's to justify their views.
Apparently this wasn't enough for me and a couple of weeks later I found myself googling arguments against islam. I found so many arguments and at night I would be crying and praying to Allah to lead me. After a while I didn't and coulnd't follow the ahadith anymore, I justified it to myself by saying that they were collected long after the death of the prophet eventho this never really bothered me when I had no doubts. There I was: mss Quranist. Didn't even know that term existed thinking I was the only muslim believing in the Quran as I always thought you had to take the Quran and ahadith together or not at all. This was a really confusing time, I tried everything to hold on to my muslim identity. The thought of not being able to identify myself as a muslim and not being part of a community my family belongs to really depressed me.
I finally gave up after reading an article about a 13-year old who was raped in Somalia and couldn't produce 4 witnesses and a result got stoned to death for adultery. I found that so disturbing eventhough it was illegal to convict her of adultery under sharia law. Producing 4 witnesses was something I never understood, even as a kid.
I felt so much adrenaline after admitting to myself that I was no longer a muslim. Relieved and scared. This is when the nightmares and waking up at nights started, what if, what if, what if. Shirk is the greatest sin and cannot be forgiven by Allah, I had clear images of hell and couldn't let go of it. Not long after my apostasy I told my sister that I was no longer a muslim (impulsive action), she broke down. She knew I had completely different views but thought that I was just a very liberal muslim. Over the next couple of days she started going mosque voluntarily, stopped listening music and would cry whenever she gets home. My mum kept asking her what was wrong but she didn't tell. My sister started pushing me to tell my parents about my apostasy because they deserved it, I panicked, had so much anxiety, started thinking about death and had several days where I really wanted to just pack my bags and just go anywhere. After a rough couple of days I sort of took everything back, said that I was confused and that she had to give me time. By that time she was already dealing with it better but I couldn't take the risk of her pressuring me into telling my parents. Since then we don't really talk/debate about certain issues anymore and whenever I criticise an islamic countriy she doesn't even want to listen to me anymore while it has nothing to do with islam but with their politics.
Just a couple of months left before moving out, trying to stay positive about life and future. Hard thing to do, there are days when I just want to be dead, not having to deal when any of this.
Topic: Born Sinner