Hello CEMB, this is my first post on here, whith the hope that I posted this on the right thread. So below is my story of irtidad.
The year 2014 was the year of skepticism for me. I asked a lot of questions about islam to myself, and everytime I asked a skeptical question, I told myself that it were whisperings of shaytaan. I even thought of telling my Imam that he shouldn't trust me anymore because I get a lot of whisperings of the shaytan lately, but I decided not to do that since I didn't know what kind of solution he would try to find for me, and besides that I began to see that he was making up fatwas, which he still does, like when I told him that his words were contrary to the words of the sheikh, he first didn't believe me, and after showing the evidence, he told me that the sheikh meant something else...
Some of the questions I asked myself:
- If Allah wants everyone to be a muslim, then why did he send a prophet to a place that's isolated to the rest of the world
- Why are people born in non-islamic families doomed? Just because they don't have the privilege of being born in an islamic family, they're most likely not going to learn about islam. So why are they considered guilty of not knowing Allah while it's obviously hard for them to know Allah?
I've probably asked myself more questions, but those are the core questions that made me think again. Then I began watching Cosmos by Neil Degrasse Tyson, and his arguments against religion made sense to me. The one that I cant forget is something like this: "There are no saints that could make exact predictions like the scientists that predict the next passing by of comets". Why can't Allah make exact predictions of important events if he's all-knowing?
Then on new year's eve, I watched The Unbelievers. After that, i cursed Allah and his prophet, and saw that I was still alive. I became agnostic.
After 2 weeks I told a non-religious friend I trust. He was surprised.
Until now I haven't told anyone else. And I'm not planning to tell my family. They still think I'm the most religious man in the family. I'm quite sure that they won't be happy if I did tell them. The thing I'm gonna do is pretend that I'm still a muslim, I'm just gonna be a "sinning muslim". I don't feel that it's worth to tell them the truth. I also don't want to be alienated from my family.
Last summer my grandfather finished building his mosque, he let me do the adhan on top of the minaret. After finishing the adhan, I entered the mosque and saw the joy in the eyes of my grandpa that words can't describe. Everyone in my family was very happy. It's not the first time that I did the adhan, it's just that I did it on top of the minaret of the mosque of my grandpa. I also was the muadhin. When I think about this, I can't think of ever telling anyone in my family that I'm not a muslim anymore.
The thing I'm worried the most about at this moment is this: I don't want to marry a muslima. Meanwhile my whole family is passively searching for a muslima that's as pious as me or better. Because that's what I wanted for years.
Edit: forgot to say hello.
Edit 2: spelling.
Topic: closet ex-muslim since new year 2015