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 Topic: Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary

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  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     OP - April 03, 2015, 04:28 PM

    Hello everyone,

    It's been a long time since I've posted but hopefully somebody on here can help me out...

    I have got a job interview for Tuesday 7th April. I've got my train tickets booked as it is in Oxford and I will be taking the train from Birmingham. I've never actually travelled on a train before and so this is a bit scary for me, especially getting back as I am sure there won't be cancellations but you never know for sure so I keep panicking. ohmy

    I will only finish the job interview at 6pm and so I probably won't get back home till 8:00ish factoring all the other travelling stuff that I need to go through and all the waiting times. My main concern is that this job means a lot to me you see...I've been planning on getting a job abroad and then running away from my strictly practising Muslim family.  Cry

    Saying that makes me embarrassed and upset. I don't even recall reading about any other ex-Muslim in a similar position to me. I feel like I can't look them in the eye anymore as I feel like I'm stabbing them in the back. It is a slow and torturous process as I won't find out if I've been accepted for the job till around mid-May. The wait will be agonising and the emotions going through me even worse. But this could be my only chance to flee, start a new life and be safe and secure. Am I wrong in trying to get that for myself? Is that selfish? Is it worth all the emotional stress? What realistic alternatives are there?....

    I have not told my family about the interview and will instead make up some credible story about going on a Uni. trip to Oxford related to my degree. I'll think of something believable but I'm truly scared they'll catch onto something and might become suspicious about why it took me so long to get home. I've got a "travel delay" excuse ready that all makes sense as far as I can tell, but again, you can never know for sure.

    Sometimes I regret my life if I am truly honest. All my teen years have gone by and there wasn't a whole lot of good to show for it, mostly bad. Now I'm 22 and I'll be turning 23 by the time I start working for the company if I get the job. I feel like if I don't get that job and run away my whole twenties will disappear and inevitably all the other bad stuff will happen too [we are Pakistanis and some of you might know about how backwards the culture can be, particularly on the whole arranged/forced marriage stuff]. This seems like the only choice to make but I feel too upset and weary to carry on with it.

    I guess what I'm looking for is lots of reassurance, I don't talk much to anyone and I realised this is not a healthy way to live but I can never tell anyone this, so its hard.  no
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #1 - April 03, 2015, 06:12 PM

    Stop worrying about it, it's exciting, try and focus on the reasons why you're taking this step, and stick with it. Trains are fun, just don't be afraid to ask a guard if you need to check what platform you need etc. No one else knows you feel the slightest bit insecure, so just act normal and bear in mind, there are other self conscious people on that train, it's not just you! Take a book to keep you entertained - but maybe not  the Koran Smiley

    It'll be fine, and you'll feel great when you get home. Afro

    Ha Ha.
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #2 - April 03, 2015, 06:18 PM

    How could you feel guilty about going to a job interview? You are not doing anything wrong.

    Good luck with the interview. What is the job?
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #3 - April 03, 2015, 06:21 PM

    Dear BreakerofVows,

    I don't believe I've said hi to you before  Smiley

    Does it mean you will be moving to Oxford if you get the job? Is it out of the question for you to move out with your family's accept if you explain to them you got a job there?
     
    You could live your life the way you want to; away from the family without cutting all contact with them. That was the option I went with when I convinced my parents that I had to move away for university. I still see my parents every few months, I see my siblings quite often as they visit me, and everyone is happy. I am still paranoid at times, but I am planning on moving abroad after I am done with my bachelor, so I try to remain patient. A good friend of mine (His username on the forum is AGuyWithAnA) is homosexual, and had to move away as well for "work", and for once he's able to live his life the way he wants to. It's not a perfect solution, but at least you don't have to live with the paranoia of your parents looking for you, and perhaps without the guilt you're feeling at the moment.

    Quote
    I feel like I can't look them in the eye anymore as I feel like I'm stabbing them in the back. It is a slow and torturous process as I won't find out if I've been accepted for the job till around mid-May. The wait will be agonising and the emotions going through me even worse. But this could be my only chance to flee, start a new life and be safe and secure. Am I wrong in trying to get that for myself? Is that selfish? Is it worth all the emotional stress? What realistic alternatives are there?....


    No, you're not being selfish. Far from. It is your right to be able to live your life without the restrictions of an outdated religion, and without the backwards aspects of the culture. It's your right to be able to chose your future partner, and whom you wish to share your life with. The aspect of guilt and shame is something I know way too well myself. In my case I have become sick and tired of always having to lie to my parents. You always feel guilty doing it, but we have no other realistic alternatives as you said yourself.

    At least you have this forum to vent to and get all the reassurance you need. You are making the right decision for yourself, and you should not feel guilty about wanting to live your life on your own premises.  far away hug

    You are the Universe, Expressing itself as a Human for a little while- Eckhart Tolle
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #4 - April 03, 2015, 06:30 PM

    Stop worrying about it, it's exciting, try and focus on the reasons why you're taking this step, and stick with it. Trains are fun, just don't be afraid to ask a guard if you need to check what platform you need etc. No one else knows you feel the slightest bit insecure, so just act normal and bear in mind, there are other self conscious people on that train, it's not just you! Take a book to keep you entertained - but maybe not  the Koran Smiley

    It'll be fine, and you'll feel great when you get home. Afro


    Thank you, sometimes though I do panic because I don't tend to stay out late, my parents really do not like it at all so they start to ask too many questions. Does anybody else have parents like this? How do you deal with it?

    Quote
    How could you feel guilty about going to a job interview? You are not doing anything wrong.

    Good luck with the interview. What is the job?


    It's more about feeling guilty about going through the whole process of trying to find a job, any job, to run away with. I am not sure if I can get it but it is worth a good try.

    It's a teaching job abroad. I will have to do a very short practice lesson as well as an interview which is a bit worrying and also silly as the time given for the practice is only 6 minutes which seems pointless.

    Quote
    I don't believe I've said hi to you before  Smiley

    Does it mean you will be moving to Oxford if you get the job? Is it out of the question for you to move out with your family's accept if you explain to them you got a job there?


    Hello to you too!  Smiley

    No the interview is in Oxford but the job itself is abroad, somewhere in Asia. So I cannot let them know as they would automatically disagree and they tend to get quite authoritarian about these things too so I don't have the courage or perseverance to argue about it to them. I never have done.

    Quote
    A good friend of mine (His username on the forum is AGuyWithAnA) is homosexual, and had to move away as well for "work", and for once he's able to live his life the way he wants to. It's not a perfect solution, but at least you don't have to live with the paranoia of your parents looking for you, and perhaps without the guilt you're feeling at the moment.


    I am bisexual. I am happy to see he has gained and enjoyed some greater freedoms.  Afro I hope to do the same one day but abroad is really the only way as I am soon to finish my degree but it is harder to find a job for me, I'm not sure why but I keep applying and never get anywhere.

    Quote
    No, you're not being selfish. Far from. It is your right to be able to live your life without the restrictions of an outdated religion, and without the backwards aspects of the culture. It's your right to be able to chose your future partner, and whom you wish to share your life with. The aspect of guilt and shame is something I know way too well myself. In my case I have become sick and tired of always having to lie to my parents. You always feel guilty doing it, but we have no other realistic alternatives as you said yourself.


    Thank you for your lovely comments, I feel somewhat better now but I will try and remain positive and remind myself of what you said to help me gain more confidence.  thnkyu
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #5 - April 03, 2015, 06:39 PM

    Trust me a lot of us here can identify with how you are feeling. It took me a year of therapy and good friends to help me through those very feelings of betrayal and selfishness.

    This is a piece I wrote in a moment of anger, you may be able to identify with some of us:

    https://faithlessjournal.wordpress.com/2015/02/15/a-moment-of-pure-anger-to-all-those-that-make-me-harbor-a-ball-of-anger/

    Also it helps to remind yourself that you are not abondoning your family when you make these decisions, you gave up the religion does not mean you are giving them up. If they chose to give you up because of this, that would be their own choice.

    You are not selfish as it is your life, and if you flip the coin they are not the ideal family you would want them to be as you want to get away from it all. It is not a matter of selfishness but a matter of differences.

    The choices they make about your decisions are not your responsibility. You leave the door open for them until you feel you have to shut it so you know you gave the relationship a chance and did not abandon them.


    Leaving the country does not necessarily mean you abandoning them unless that is what they want and in the end let that be their choice. Unless you in a position that you absolutely have to cut them off Smiley

    Good luck tho!!!!!! You will be amazing  far away hug

    "I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

    "This is the only heaven we have how dare you make it a hell" Dr Marlene Winell
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #6 - April 03, 2015, 06:52 PM

    You're not the only one going through this situation. There have been other members over the years with similar plans/stories. A friend of mine is actually in the process of planning to move abroad for much the same reasons, the freedom to live her life.

    There's nothing to be scared of on a train. Keep your ticket with you and show it to the conductor while you're on board, bring a book or something to entertain yourself, and relax. Have a look out the window, buy a drink and/or snack if you're in the mood, and enjoy the ride. Smiley

    If you don't get the job, could you not simply move away from Birmingham?

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #7 - April 03, 2015, 06:55 PM

    Ye the train rides are so awesome, I love traveling alone, gives me time to clear my head. Be prepared if your parents ask you questions prepare your back story. My brother and I always prepare our story before we go anywhere just in case my mum asks us anything.

    Smiley

    "I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

    "This is the only heaven we have how dare you make it a hell" Dr Marlene Winell
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #8 - April 03, 2015, 07:07 PM

    Ah I see. That sounds extremely interesting, and if you manage to get the job, I am sure it will be the beginning of an amazing adventure for you towards the journey of getting to know who you are. Just believe in yourself and you will go far.  far away hug

    Sounds like your family would never be able to allow you to move abroad by yourself? Would they try to persuade you into staying with them?

    You are the Universe, Expressing itself as a Human for a little while- Eckhart Tolle
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #9 - April 03, 2015, 07:19 PM

    You should not feel guilty at all BreakerofVows. You are doing the most reasonable thing to secure your own future, as you yourself readily admit. Multiple reassurances from myself, also feel free to talk with those here, many of us relate to your struggle completely. Lastly, best of luck with your interview!  Afro

    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #10 - April 04, 2015, 12:22 PM

    Trust me a lot of us here can identify with how you are feeling. It took me a year of therapy and good friends to help me through those very feelings of betrayal and selfishness.
    ...
    Also it helps to remind yourself that you are not abondoning your family when you make these decisions, you gave up the religion does not mean you are giving them up. If they chose to give you up because of this, that would be their own choice.

    You are not selfish as it is your life, and if you flip the coin they are not the ideal family you would want them to be as you want to get away from it all. It is not a matter of selfishness but a matter of differences.

    The choices they make about your decisions are not your responsibility. You leave the door open for them until you feel you have to shut it so you know you gave the relationship a chance and did not abandon them.


    Thank you for your supportive words. I truly appreciate it. I'm always trying to emotionally and mentally prepare myself for the worst but this is just something different because then there is nothing for them to prepare for but this time there will be as I will never be seen again by them.

    Quote
    If you don't get the job, could you not simply move away from Birmingham?


    I would like to try and find a job in the U.K. but its very difficult and I don't know if I can find one before August which is when the teaching jobs will begin. I would prefer to remain 'hidden' in the U.K. away from them but unless I have a job or at least some support network then I can't do that. So I could run away from home but then where would I go? Does CEMB offer some kind of shelter network? As really charities are over-stretched and under-resourced to help people like me when there are so many homeless people already out there, I'm scared I'll just be left on the streets to fend for myself without a job.

    Quote
    Be prepared if your parents ask you questions prepare your back story.


    Yes, I am doing all that all the time haha. I will be telling them about the "Uni event" soon and I will take some videos and photos when I get to Oxford just to prove to them I was there and since I'm going in a suit then really, what else could they think I'd be doing in a suit in Oxford all day long? As for arriving late I'll just tell them that the metro doesn't operate after 7pm so I just took the bus home instead which is a longer ride and that particular bus doesn't stop near my home so I have to walk a bit too.

    Quote
    Sounds like your family would never be able to allow you to move abroad by yourself? Would they try to persuade you into staying with them?


    They are authoritarian control freaks who are quite religious. My parents expect me back before sunset, unless its winter when the sun goes down quite early. So unless I warn them that I'm coming late for a good reason they'd immediately get suspicious. As you can imagine, them accepting my independence to live alone is not going to happen until I'm married off. That is a big no-no for me so I'm going to have to grab my own freedom and make a run for it.

    Quote
    Multiple reassurances from myself, also feel free to talk with those here, many of us relate to your struggle completely. Lastly, best of luck with your interview!


    Thank you so much. I feel reassured to know there are so many good and supportive people here. I'm going to read these comments to myself during the journey there and back to keep myself in the right mindset.  yes
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #11 - April 04, 2015, 03:01 PM

    Everyone else has already said it all. Just focus on nailing the job interview and definitely tell us how it goes. Practice the answers to every question you can imagine them asking in your head before you get there, over and over. And if, when you get there, a question catches you off-guard, the best thing to do is to say, "That's a good/interesting question. Let's see..." and give yourself a second to breathe and think and come up with a good answer, instead of getting flustered and blurting something out.  yes

    Good luck!
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #12 - April 04, 2015, 05:48 PM

    If you don't get the one you want, could your local job centre offer you anything outside of Birmingham? Nottinghamshire, Warwickshire, Gloucestershire, Bristol, Dover, or maybe Scotland or Wales?

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #13 - April 06, 2015, 11:28 AM

    Quote
    If you don't get the one you want, could your local job centre offer you anything outside of Birmingham? Nottinghamshire, Warwickshire, Gloucestershire, Bristol, Dover, or maybe Scotland or Wales?


    Serious question, do you think it's worth it?

    I am not sure. I get emails every day for jobs related to my degree around my own region. I won’t bother searching in the South-East and particularly the Greater London Area as they are just far too expensive to live in for me. At the same time I’m not sure if searching outside my own region will help as I’d have to move around, which I don’t mind, but no doubt the companies there already have a variety of capable candidates from within their region right?
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #14 - April 06, 2015, 05:25 PM

    Considering you said you'd like to try and find a job in the UK, yes, I think it's worth it. If you're getting offers, you obviously have something people want. And keep in mind it's not just the cities, there are opportunity's in the shires as well.

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Life Choice Making Me Feel Upset and Weary
     Reply #15 - April 06, 2015, 08:29 PM

    yeah i would try the UK first, you may be able to get away with living a double life who knows, I've been doing it for years, hope all goes well for you !

    xxx
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