Ex Muslim from Manchester
OP - June 21, 2016, 06:52 PM
Hey Everyone, my name is Hassan and I'm from Manchester, UK.
I've been browsing this forum for a couple of years now and have finally decided to come out of the shadows. I have previously been hesitant to join the forum, partly because I was not really comfortable with the Ex Muslim identity and partly down to me not ready to share my experiences, even anonymously. I'm joining now as I really do need to have an outlet where I can express my views without holding anything back. I have friends who I can be honest with, but because the majority of the people I am friends with are Muslims it sometimes feel like they would prefer if I was silent and not talk about matters they have not really explored themselves but feel really strongly about.
I am someone who is partially out of the closet, my friends and some of my family know, but I have not reached the stage of telling my parents. My father was born in Pakistan and currently works at the local mosque, he is the Caretaker as well as runs the Madrasa and deals with personal issues within the Barelvi community. My mother was born in the UK but had parents from the same region as my father, she has more of a cultural Muslim identity - although since my father has become more involved in the mosque my mother externally seems more religious and takes part in activities at the mosque. I would say, because of my parents being brought up in different worlds, I have never really been sure where I belonged. My father is still culturally Pakistani (village mentality), he still wears Shalwar Kameez on a daily basis despite being in this country for around 30 years, he is quite dismissive of western society as a whole. My mother, on the other hand, is culturally British and raised me and my siblings to be British, even if it meant hiding it from my father. To this day me and my siblings, even though we are all adults, we do not openly listen to music or watch TV shows my father would not approve of whenever he is around.
I would say the authoritarian attitude of my religious father, as well as the Pakistani Muslim community I was brought up in, caused me to question my identity throughout my life which led to me openly accepting I was not a Muslim during my time at university. When I was a teenager I stopped praying and acknowledge that the only reason I was praying was because of my fear of being seen in a negatively light by my father rather than god. As I got older I became more rebellious towards religious practices, for example truanting Tarawih, Milad un Nabi and other events I was expected to attend at the mosque as well as pretending to fast. I maintained a religious image but certainly did not live up to it. When I got to sixth form (education in UK for people between the age of 16 to 18) I became more rebellious to Islam openly in front of my peers by not praying Juma'ah or fasting during Ramadhan, but I never expressed my lack of faith to anyone because I didn't really trust people from my community due to past experiences of people informing other members of my family about what I've been up to. I'm pretty sure a lot of people on this forum will be familiar with the Karma Police of Muslims/Pakistani's communities who have let others know about your transgressions. It was only when I got to university that I really explored my identity, internally than externally. I first tried strengthening my faith by looking for things which supported Islam, I even looked to Conspiracy Theories for a while - Conspiracy Theories were a norm among people I grew up with, I certainly lost respect for a lot of people when I saw the faulty logic that they were based on. But I eventually accepted reality and admitted to myself that I wasn't a Muslim and I need to stop pretending to be one.
Over the last 4 years I have opened up to many people about my disbelief, most of them being Muslim. My Non-Muslim friends didn't see it as a big deal but all my Muslim friends acted like I have just proclaimed my self to be a Prophet or God because it was not possible to believe in a world without a God and a person born into a Muslim family couldn't reject Islam based on reason and logic due to it being the complete truth. To this day, a lot of my friends still expect me to admit I was wrong to reject Islam and stop making them insecure about the lack of understanding of their faith and culture. But I don't really see that happening anytime soon. My siblings know I am not a Muslim but they don't really see it as a good idea to tell my parents due to conflict that it will cause. There has already been occasions when people tried to use the rumour of me not being a Muslim against a member of my family so I am less open than I would prefer to be.
Today I see myself as being a Atheist/Agnostic/Humanist/Secularist and although I reject religion I am certainly not Anti-theistic. Throughout my life I have never met another Ex Muslim or spoke to one, so I look forward to conversing with people on this forum.
To be honest, when I started this post I didn't intend to write this much so thank you to anyone who actually reads this, I really appreciate it and I look forward to participating in this forum.
Topic: Ex Muslim from Manchester