I don't know how to be soft anymore

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- Aqua
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I don't know how to be soft anymore
OP - March 11, 2018, 05:27 AM

Everything I have been through in my life and my current mental state has made me so hardened, I don't think I know how to be soft anymore. I wouldn't call this strength, it feels like a much more negative, heavier feeling. Even smiling feels unnatural to me, and you can see the anger and sadness in the lines of my face, in my eyes. I have this protective wall around myself because I'm surrounded by misogynists. It's like being encased in really heavy armor and not knowing how to take it off because the feeling of having it off is so unfamiliar and vulnerable. Idk what to do.

"Nothing lasts forever. Even the stars die."

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I don't know how to be soft anymore
Reply #1 - March 11, 2018, 12:50 PM

That's a perfectly natural reaction to what you've been through. My advice is to look after yourself and your mental health, learn to develop a good social network and eventually it will pull you through. There is always a silver lining, it does get better.

~My story~
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I don't know how to be soft anymore
Reply #2 - March 12, 2018, 02:59 PM

Quote from: Aqua on March 11, 2018, 05:27 AM
.........Even smiling feels ............

common Aqua... Smile please ., there are millions of people on this earth who are in a much worse situation than you & me... so life goes on

.....NEVER GIVE UP HOPE FOR BETTER DAYS.........

with best wishes
yeezevee

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
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I don't know how to be soft anymore
Reply #3 - March 13, 2018, 09:05 PM

Quote from: Aqua on March 11, 2018, 05:27 AM
Everything I have been through in my life .....................

Quote
Everything I have been through in my life

I am Aqua I am life.,
A kite without strings in the winds
No exact destination no perfect path to me
Everything I have been through in my life
I see things that are not meant to be seen.
I just follow where wind takes me
an unplanned vagabond life
Every life takes different paths.
Some days are filled with sorrow,
and some days full of laughs.

Aqua ...Smile......... Keep on smiling please....

with best wishes
yeezevee

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
- Cornflower
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I don't know how to be soft anymore
Reply #4 - March 17, 2018, 10:50 AM

Hey Aqua. I'm someone who has been through the exact same thing, and I'm still struggling with some aspects of it. I actually had a conversation with one of my best friends a couple of weeks ago about it. I used to have this ugly resting bitch face on all the time. Even when I didn't feel anything, or maybe when I was "kind of happy", I still looked hard and angry.

I've build walls around myself for protection. I even developed this "intuition" that I can spot potentially "dangerous" and "problematic" people miles away. I see it in the way they move and interact with others, the way they look and small glances they give away, like micro-behaviour others usually don't see. I'm always observing people low-key to see what type of person they are and analyze them. I'm not saying its a super power, but so far this "intuition" has never failed me. But it's still a heavy load to bear, and I wish I was happy and naive as everyone else.

But it does get better. It really does. Before I had this impenetrable wall around me, and now I'm slowly letting people into my life. But you have to move away from your toxic environment, you have to find good people who will support you and surround yourself with them. And cut away all the toxic people from your life. It takes time, but it does get better, as long as you are willing to work on yourself and move out from your "comfort zone", or armour or whatever you want to call it.

Lately I've gone through a lot of new things in my life, and it has really changed the way I feel and look at things. It's not like it was an epiphany and now everything is flowers and parades. It has just given me new useful tools to handle all the issues I go around carrying with me. I've always wanted to have full control over everything. Because during hard times, that control was what saved me. But now I need to learn to let it go. Or as someone told me, "just slide". When I let things just "slide", is when I can relax and enjoy life.

"The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
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I don't know how to be soft anymore
Reply #5 - March 19, 2018, 01:21 PM

Quote from: Cornflower on March 17, 2018, 10:50 AM
Hey Aqua. I'm someone...here for you.........

beautiful words/suggestions from beautiful soul...

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
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I don't know how to be soft anymore
Reply #6 - March 20, 2018, 10:31 PM

very well said aqua
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I don't know how to be soft anymore
Reply #7 - March 21, 2018, 02:56 PM

I don't know how to be soft anymore
but but but
whatever it takes i will get back
whatever it takes ..whatever it takes
i will get back
i will
will will

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOsM-DYAEhY

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
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I don't know how to be soft anymore
Reply #8 - March 21, 2018, 11:50 PM

I'm not sure if i'm able to help at all but here goes.

I think you just need to ride it through. Its hard to force yourself to be happy or soft when you're in such a dark space. Maybe accept it but know that you will get through this. And you know, there's nothing wrong in the way your feeling. As the others have said, you will get through this. I feel like i'm walking in glue when i'm in a dark place. Its just so hard to do anything.

Do you have any privacy? Try yelling or beating a few pillows. you need to release the anger. I'm not sure where you live but if your able to get out. go running or join a dance class/gym. Anything that can help you vent your anger/frustration.

Your post reminded me of a saying by krishnamurti.

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society"

Hope you feel better soon.
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