Again, since the old one ain't in the archive..
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I was born in 1980, to 4 sisters and 3 brothers and have lived my whole life in Saudi Arabia (minus roughly 4 years). When I first started to discover the surroundings, I was about 4 years old. My family was a very normal Saudi family. Siblings and parents were totally moderate in their Islamic views and practicing.
When I was 4, I used to pretend that I pray. The funny part was me wearing the scarf and body
cover while praying. I did so because I had spent most of my time with my sisters who as you know, being females, have to wear these things when they pray. Of course at the time, I thought everybody had to.
I enjoyed praying, because my family loved it. Although I didn't know what to say, I was just mimicking them, doing those moves and saying nothing. I was so happy to get praise by my family. My elementary school came to foster my 'young fresh' thoughts of Islam. In Saudi, it is mandatory to study a great deal of Islamic courses starting from the 1st grade up until undergraduate.
The number of Islamic courses comprises more than half of the curricula. The 1st few years were mere and pure dictation. Students face questions like:
1. Who is your God?
2. What is your religion?
3. Who is your prophet?
These were answered questions. Every student had to reply, Allah, Islam, and Muhammad, respectively. That's a reason why Saudis are so devout Muslims. Families also play a key role in consolidating the principles and pillars of Islam starting from kindergarten. By the age of 8 (3rd grade) I was somehow forced to pray by my family. This was kind of odd to me, my daddy at the time never prayed not even once, neither did my brothers. It was only the 'female' part of the family. When my mammy started to bother me and oblige me to pray, I just hated it. Lots of moves, 5 times a day, and more importantly, (
ablution 'Wudu')... As a kid, just like cats, I just didn't like the idea of getting exposed to water (sometimes cold) and not being able to play soccer or play a video game instead of praying. However, the notion of Islam and its prophet was just like an 'absolute truth' to me.
A year later, I found my self lonely..3 sisters got married and moved to another city..2 brothers went outta town to continue their schooling. Me, daddy (who loves to stay at his room 24/7), a brother (who spends most of his time outta home), a sister (stays at her bedroom) were occupying the house. My mother was my mate at home. Unfortunately, this gave her more opportunity to force me to pray. Prayer is the major thing in Islam, even when a family is a bit liberal or moderate.
To exacerbate things, my mother became VERY devout in 1989, less than a year later, my dad followed in her footsteps. The burden was unbearable. Both of them tried all ways to force me to pray, yet honestly, they never exaggerated (never hit.or something like that). With my deep belief in Islam, and the pressure of my parents, I chose to become religious my self when I was 10. I used to wear short
thobs (as this is considered
sunna) and a
shemagh (ghutra), I also joined a Quranic studies in the mosque where I memorized a whole chapter (like saying a whole book from the NT) and of course I had prayed almost all prayers at mosque. I didn't really enjoy it, it was just my parents' contentment that led me to continue and work hard. I was religious, in a strange way though. After the leaving of my siblings, I got in love with music, so even though I was religious (in Arabic: Mutawwa or Multazim), I couldn't end my love toward music (which is forbidden 'haram' in Islam according to the vast majority of scholars).
The only thing that disturbed me at the time (between 1990 and 1992) was my sister. I had feelings, that she wasn't religious enough, but what annoyed me more was her way in viewing things. She was more of 'liberal if you will' surely I couldn't face her with anything for she's way older than me..so it wasn't so proper to argue.
When I was 12, I started to get back to my (me), that is, I became less religious; as a matter of fact, I lost a lot of my dedication to memorizing Quran and praying. I remember chuckling/giggling while praying everyday at school with my schoolmates..just for nothing. (Praying the
Dhuhr prayer 'noon prayer' is obligatory in schools, and this is the only prayer to be performed at school, students finish the school day before the
Asr prayer).
Reading through the history books (school books) that were 90% about Islam, I was like (whatever) Muhammad is the man 'he's the prophet.' Most of the stories and incidents were presented to show good/positive sides of Islam, while this comprises very little of the true history books which show different versions. Every raid/battle was justified in a way or another, especially by claiming that Muhammad and Muslims were the victims of betrayals and deceits. I believed the prophet was the merciful, the kind and humane man.
I was somewhere in the middle, between devout/extreme/fundamentalist Muslims and liberal/nominal/secular Muslims, although I was shifted a bit toward the latter. This had augmented in the next few years due to my continuous attempts to understand people, life, truth, and love.I felt that leftists were more humane than conservatives in S.A. The latter call to hate the west, invade the west one day when we get the power..they know nothing in life but Muslims, as if the rest were objects and not human beings, unlike those liberal Muslims, who understand Islam differently. In addition to that, I started to quietly observe my sister and the way she thinks, behaves, and even talks.
In 1994 we moved to another city in the west coast (where we originally belong). My high school years were normal, except for the following:
- I became more liberal, maybe because the new city is less conservative than the city where I grew up in.
- Parents kept preaching about prayers..During most of my high school days, my dad used to do something a little bit weird,
He had this habit of forcing me to pray only the
Fajr prayer (early morning prayer) in mosque! This was torture to me. Imagine that you go to bed @ 23:30 - 1:00 (Arabs are night ppl) and get up at 4:30 - 5:30 while your school starts at 7:00 - 7:30..!!
My prayers at school and the Fajr prayers were 90% without ablution.
Other than that, my life was so normal, typical life for a boy in his teen. Music, school, soccer, cars, etc..!
The new phase of exploring life which led me to accept the liberal Islam led me also to focus on the women's issues especially in S.A. I became a moderate advocate of women, for I viewed them as victims of people's misunderstanding of Islam and their application of old fashioned traditions. The whole liberal/feminist thing wasn't at all organized (ie, I didn't rely on books, scholars, readings, writing) it was just like a general inner perception.
The word 'secularism' was unfairly trashed in some curricula in high school. In a nutshell, it was related to the phobia of 'conspiracy theory' (that is, the west wanting to destroy us). I was like, fine, I'm not secular. I'm (ME).
It wasn't until 1999 that I grasped the nature of secularism. When I was talking with my friend about another buddy, the way he thinks, behaves..etc. My friend said something that still rings in my ears to date:
((..Yes, but you know what, Ahmed is Elmani !!..)) Elmani = secular.
I was like OMG, that's a chance to know a new thing, because due to restrictions set by the Ministry of Media and Culture, all books that theorize for liberalism, secularism, or any other faith/philosophy are banned..(except for those that criticize them).
Ahmed has been my friend since the High school (ie since 1995). I tried to smartly approach him and get to know how he thinks. Ironically, after talking to him and discussing, this 'secularism' thing seemed so suitable to me. It literally reflected my thoughts and ideas. By the way, 'Elmaneyya' (secularism in Arabic) doesn't necessarily mean 'Atheism' or 'Deism.' It is basically, being a liberal Muslim who applies logic and critical reasoning. It turned out that Ahmed is also a 'Feminist.' We both enjoyed talking to each other, and discussing many issues 'Women's rights and religion were the main topics. At the time, Ahmed had read way more books than I did; that is why I treasured being with him. He, on the other hand, enjoyed talking to me for I was among those few folks who understand, tolerate, and accept almost all of his thoughts.
Before this, something weird also happened. I had this interesting debate/discussion with one of my friends' uncle. In the discussion, I sort of represented the liberal side, while the uncle did the conservative. A few days later, I was talking to my friend about the discussion when he said: 'by the way, my uncle believes you have some secular views.' I was like, errrrmmm interesting. Yet, I didn't know whether to consider this a compliment or a criticism. Ultimately, I didn't bother to think a lot about it.
My views on Islam between 1999 and 2003 were almost the same. I cared only about fasting, for this wasn't a real burden (in my opinion), but even in this, I wasn't good. During some Ramadans, I missed some days just for the sake of ((some candies, or snacks, eating them secretly of course..)) My knowledge had expanded greatly, especially in issues related to Islamic secularism (or secular Islam if you will). I had read to a lot of secularists and authors, most of them were liberal Muslims. During 2003, many of my close buddies became 'Sufis.'
Sufism has been a target of criticism in the Saudi religious curricula, along with other sects (Shiite, Mutazelate, etc). Being a secular, I was so excited to know more about Sufism. For one thing, it was a great opportunity to learn something new from its source (not from some unfair, biased Islamic books), and for another, I felt and still feel so sympathetic to those persecuted groups in my land. I had attended several 'Sufi' meetings (sometimes known as
Dhikr') after being invited by my Sufi friends. Meetings were centered on Muhammad and his relatives (household) - called in Arabic:
'Aal al-beit' or Ahl Albayt - sharing stories about them and also, singing some religious anthems; this is very close to a Christian Sunday worship, except that most of the time they don't use instruments.
I never considered myself a 100% Sufi. I just joined some Sufi fellows to explore and learn. Up until 2003, I was self-regarded 'Muslim.' Rarely did I pray, fast, or do any major duty. Except for praying occasionally with my Sufi friends in their meetings, and fasting for a few days of Ramadan, literally I had not done anything related to Islam or its rituals during this period of time. My 'Sufi' prayers were mere 'courtesy' actions (in Arabic it is called 'Mujamala'). On the other hand, I had this great admiration toward Muhammad. This had increased because of my relationship with Sufis and my visits to them. Sufis hold an extreme respect and fondness for Muhammad. I know all Sunni do or claim, but those Sufis are more passionate. Not only do they adore Muhammad, but even his household. I place Sufis somewhere between Sunna and Shiite. Most of the stories told by them were about Muhammad's life; they stressed on his wisdom, kindness, fairness, and all other good attributes exist! I was like: the world and most of Muslims do not understand the real Islam and the true Muhammad. I felt that these Muslims never represented Islam in its origin, and Sufis did. To date, I view Sufism as the least 'ugly' version of Islam. Ultimately, my secular side outweighed.
In 2004, my excitement to attend the meetings lessened for this was my final year in college, and also because meetings were mostly in Mecca (about 40 miles away). It was not until early 2005 that I had a chance to be clear-minded and fair enough to weigh things up and reach a decision. When I was talking to Ahmed, and discussed how those Muslims didn't understand Islam, how they were backward in their reasoning, and how they were intolerant. I was like: oh, if they just follow the example of the Prophet, just seconds before Ahmed replied and came up with a shock:
'I agree, but remember that the prophet ordered to kill several hundreds Jews in Medina.' I kept quite for a second, and said: oh, this ain't true. Ahmed confirmed his claim, and asked me to double check. When I did, I found out that this story is all over the history books of Islam. Worse than that, it is agreed-upon by almost all scholars, and even mentioned in authentic Hadiths. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I continued to research and found more horrible stuff. My problem (and many others') was researching! I just did not apply any minimum quick research before this incident. It could have been the shortest path for me to leave Islam. Once, I stood in front of the mirror and said: Dude, just face it, you have your own beliefs, and this thing contradicts almost all of your principles.
2005 was an amazing year. For the 1st time in years I felt much of satisfaction and inner peace. A year later, I flew to the US to continue my studies. In this year, I decided to write a book about 'Why I left Islam.' In the US, I had the opportunity to meet many Christians, and for the 1st time I got a real chance to talk and ask about Christianity and get answers from its followers. As a matter of fact, I have been studying Christianity ever since. I regard myself as an 'Agnostic,' an empirical one, that is, I can't tell that God exists or not due to lack of evidence.
Now, and after about 3 years of leaving Islam, I feel so content. My love to everyone has tremendously grown. I do think though that the problem is in Islam itself not Muslims. I love Muslims; my best friend is a Muslim, the most invaluable human in my life (my sister) is a Muslim.
I feel so sorry and frustrated when I learn that someone converted to Islam, especially those westerners, who do not know much about Islam; who just get the good part of the faith before they embrace it. I feel the same toward Muslims who don't read their history and books; many of them feel that they are confined in a cage. They only need a little push so that they get freed.
There is a difference between a liberal Muslim and a former one. Based on my experience, when I was liberal, I used to try to question the credibility and depth of every Hadith or verse that call for something illogical. I had done so, believing that any irrational thing could never be related to Islam. I had justified every matter, or let me say, tried to justify. It was a killing feeling when a person comes to me with a verse or Hadith emphasizing 'killing the apostate,' 'forbidding music,' or anything that degrades women (or any other thing that contradict my logic). I had tried to twist the meanings of such text. (
Quranists movement is a natural result of this type of logic conflicts).
An apostate, in contrast, stands in a neutral position, where he/she reads and analyzes objectively. It is also important to mention that a liberal Muslim in Saudi (according to my observation) has mainly two possible future scenarios:
He/she either:
Eventually becomes devout and religious, or
Uses his/her brain and denounce the faith.
Peace and Love.
P.S.: Sep/08 returned to S.A.
Topic: Saudi ~ Wahhabi ~ Sufi = My Story.