Any advice? GFs parents miserable

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- maccam
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Any advice? GFs parents miserable
OP - September 14, 2009, 10:17 PM

Sorry if this is similar to any of the other threads! Hopefully someone will have some specific advice for the situation!

My girlfriends parents are devout muslims from India, living in the UK. My girlfriend and her sister (both of uni age) are both UK raised western atheists, and I (a pasty atheist Scot) have met her family many times over the last couple of years, and we get on well (they are very very nice to me I must say). So far so good.

Her parents however are pretty sad about their daughters not, and haven't told any of their muslim friends about my GFs non-belief (or me for that matter), but I appreciate its very difficult for them to tell their peers about all this stuff.

Both girls have been at home this Ramadan and I think this has made things particularly tough, with her parents going to the mosque on their own. Anyway to cut a long story short, my girlfriend called me and told me how her mum came home from work today and burst into tears for hours, and she was talking about how she must be being punished, and she's scared of going to hell and noone will pray for her when she dies and she's sick of lying to everyone at the mosque... you get the picture. Generally she sounds very depressed and I feel really really sorry for her - it's difficult for me to imagine, but it sounds like it's tearing her to bits.

My girlfriend is very strong willed and honest and not willing to lie and 'go through the motions' to stop them being sad - she'd feel like a fraud and it's hardly feasible in the long run. So really, I'm wondering, is anyone in a similar position, is there anything we can say to help? Is that stuff about going to hell all in the Qu'ran?
- PeruvianSkies
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Re: Any advice? GFs parents miserable
Reply #1 - September 14, 2009, 10:48 PM

I'm in a similar position to your gf although unlike her I haven't told them about my bf. I told them I renounced Islam and they took it so badly I ended up taking it all back. I'm going to come out again at a later date.

Her parents wont go to hell for her unbelief, she will though according to Islam. I can understand it must be difficult for you but I would advise that you stick by your gf's side and support her whenever possible. She's going to have some difficult times ahead but it may die down after Ramadan. This month tends to show the worst in some muslims. Just let her know that you're there for her.

It's good that you get along with her parents Continue to show that you're a well mannered man, that's all you can do.

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- nothingthere
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Re: Any advice? GFs parents miserable
Reply #2 - September 15, 2009, 02:28 AM

Quote from: maccam on September 14, 2009, 10:17 PM
Is that stuff about going to hell all in the Qu'ran?

every page of it. why do you think moslems are so afraid of hell? it's no disneyland. the holy book, the hadiths, the sermons, refer to hell and fire and torture ad nauseum. when you are relentlessly exposed to the stuff since childhood you can't help but be scared out of your wits all the time. it's amazing that most moselms can actually cope. then again some end up with a mental breakdown and fly planes into buildings, detonate suicide vests, stuff like that.

anyways, imo, the best way to handle this is to exercise diplomacy. a little lying and pretending might be in order. no sense upsetting the balance in a futile attempt to gain reluctant acceptance, let alone approval.
- cosmicdancer
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Re: Any advice? GFs parents miserable
Reply #3 - September 15, 2009, 11:19 AM

Quote from: maccam on September 14, 2009, 10:17 PM
Sorry if this is similar to any of the other threads! Hopefully someone will have some specific advice for the situation!

My girlfriends parents are devout muslims from India, living in the UK. My girlfriend and her sister (both of uni age) are both UK raised western atheists, and I (a pasty atheist Scot) have met her family many times over the last couple of years, and we get on well (they are very very nice to me I must say). So far so good.

Her parents however are pretty sad about their daughters not, and haven't told any of their muslim friends about my GFs non-belief (or me for that matter), but I appreciate its very difficult for them to tell their peers about all this stuff.

Both girls have been at home this Ramadan and I think this has made things particularly tough, with her parents going to the mosque on their own. Anyway to cut a long story short, my girlfriend called me and told me how her mum came home from work today and burst into tears for hours, and she was talking about how she must be being punished, and she's scared of going to hell and noone will pray for her when she dies and she's sick of lying to everyone at the mosque... you get the picture. Generally she sounds very depressed and I feel really really sorry for her - it's difficult for me to imagine, but it sounds like it's tearing her to bits.

My girlfriend is very strong willed and honest and not willing to lie and 'go through the motions' to stop them being sad - she'd feel like a fraud and it's hardly feasible in the long run. So really, I'm wondering, is anyone in a similar position, is there anything we can say to help? Is that stuff about going to hell all in the Qu'ran?

Yes that stuff about going to Hell is in the Qur'an.

As long as your GF is at home and in an Islamic atmosphere it will be hard to appeal to her reason as emotional blackmail will be stronger.

But if she can move away - clear her head and think rationally - she will come to her senses.
- maccam
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Re: Any advice? GFs parents miserable
Reply #4 - September 15, 2009, 09:04 PM

My girlfriend has no problems except having a sad mum. She is a scientific rationalist non-believer, when not at home she lives a typical 20-something uk student life, and we'll probs get a flat together (in fact I'll probably get round to proposing soon). I just feel so sorry for her mum, there's no emotional blackmail going on, I think her mums just breaking down a little. It sucks that the religion is so heavy on the parents, you would think it's either the kids fault, or Gods!
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