Hi everyone that I haven?t said hi to yet
Doubt has been lingering for more than 2 weeks. I can pinpoint to where my faith started slowly disseminating and it was months ago. Two of my friends confronted me about Aisha and the prophet and evolution in relation to the creation story. I couldn?t defend myself, I can?t get irrational and start spewing angry comments, if I am beat intellectually I shut up, rather not talk then say something foolish (still say stupid things though). And last Ramadan, I tried to read the Quran again, and I struggled, even though I got the latest and best translation (according to Amazon reviews lol), the Oxford World?s Classics one written by Abdel Haleem. I kept putting it off and I also struggled reading Jeffrey Lang?s books. None of it was intellectually stimulating anymore.
I honestly didn't start with liquor or pork, it all started with McDonalds (damn Zionists!!!). I was going through serious doubts and I kept putting it off while still watching critical videos of Islam and reading like-minded articles lol while I was still praying. Many of my Muslim friends are non-practicing and I used to be that as well. I guess I wanted to go back to this period. I was actually before any of this happened going to become even more religious:
Not sit in a bar or a place where people drink
Not buy pizza from a non-halal place because of the utensils
I was thinking about getting married (even though I don?t want to), I also thought about moving to another Muslim country even though I have a great job where I live and it pays really well.
I guess I got tired of the religious practices and prohibitions so I decided that I would still be a Muslim, salvage whatever remained of my faith but do some of the things that I used to do and that my friends still do. I kept telling myself that there is no compulsion in religion/Islam even though in the back of my mind another voice was going yes but that verse was abrogated lol
I kept thinking but what about all these Muslims eating non halal and drinking, nothing wrong with them, and another voice in the back of my mind said you are not a follower you have to lead you own life and by own example because you will be judged for your own actions, "shall I believe as the fools believe?" (Yes I now believe that I should: D)
Anyways, there were other things that happened to me, I had at one point become ultra religious (no music, no squeezing the old snake GASP GASP!!) all for the sweetness of iman which during this period was intoxicating, it was actually one of the best periods of my life in that sense too bad it had a most adverse effect on me. I?ve always had a bit of ocd, this period made it even worse, I had mental ocd, I couldn?t even think of dirty jokes, having been a huge fan of Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy this was especially weird. I also went no wank for 4 months, seeing how I don?t have sex dreams and I didn?t have any sexual thoughts at all, I repressed it all because I didn?t want to disrespect women due to guarding my private parts and keeping my glance down (my inner glance as well). Honestly I did it for the ladies, didn?t want my mind doing the freaky things it used to do, that was rude and sexist (tell that to the 50 million sperms trying to escape everyday).
But there was a way out, swoag mutah, shia way of temporary marriage. However for the past 7 months I have been praying for this to happen since I don?t want to jerk off and I can?t get married (and I honestly don?t want to, feel forced) I prayed for a good girl that I can do temporary marriage with and thus save myself. I had encounters with three girls, one ditched me; she was Christian, she never showed up again, the second was an agnostic and the third was an atheist lol haha thinking about it that must have been a sign. And I didn?t do anything with the girls because in temporary marriage she has to be of the book or a Muslim. I didn?t know how to solve this matter, it?s impossible to keep down the sexual urge, fasting to keep it down would be tough because I work, and it?s hard to focus, also working out means an increase in testosterone which means even a stronger sexual urge. Reading some shia madthabs they said it is halal to do temporary marriage with a prostitute as long as she knows it?s a religious practice lol I have always been adverse to prostitution and I realize that it has been institutionalized in Iran but I kept thinking so what I?m not doing it for that reason (I just want to get laid lol but not to the point where I pay for it, even though this is what you essentially do, this paying part is wrapped up in giving a gift, her mahr lol).
Anyways one day after working out I decided to stay on the bus and went past my usual stop and then I decided I will go to McDonalds. I had never had a cheese burger or a big Mac in my life and I wanted to more than anything else. So I get off the bus knowing there is Micky D in the near proximity but I?m not sure where it is so I walk down the street, and I do not find it. I am now in despair, I really want that cheese burger and then I see it, the sign, the M arch shining in bright yellow beckoning me on, an oasis in a halal desert so I walk in all giddy like wanting to jump and down like a small kid (realizing that it?s the worst junk food ever). I walk up to the cashier and I take a look at the menu and I go I want to order a quarter pounder with cheese, a big Mac and a cheese burger, with fries and a coke. In one single breath.
I walk over to my table and I?m delirious, it smells so good, I?m not sure what to start with, I already have the big Mac and the cheese burger, the QP will take some time, so I start off with the cheese burger and it?s pretty damn good, it was well worth it! Then I take one bite from the QP and I?m a total convert, I?m sold, that?s it I?m not going back to halal, it?s too good! Feelings of guilt come up but I tell myself this is just a response from the right side of my brain, and when I start eating the big Mac (pretty full by now) George Harrison?s song my sweet lord starts playing lol
Three days later I decided to give beer a(nother) try, I had never liked it before and this time I was going to find out why, turns out I don?t like light beer, dark beer is nice (I need to try Newcastle, Stella and Guinness stout) and I loved mojito shit was goooood, and didn?t like wine, red or white. So next time more LIQOUR!!! Oh how I have missed you White Russian, Oh, Vodka Red Bull have you missed me as I have missed you? Here?s looking at you kid.
Also during that night I spoke with a super pretty girl at the bar and didn?t feel like having to take her number, it was just fun talking and dancing, but I do regret not taking her number when I came home lol hahaha DOH!!!
Anyways I am still reading and studying and it?s getting harder to believe again. I mean the inconsistencies and contradictions, the way the Quran was compiled, Aisha, the murder of Jews and the poets, the "scientific miracles", the exodus, Noah?s ark, the way earth is described, the hadiths and the behavior, the adulation of the imams (that they can intercede), theory of evolution and so on and so on (I will post more academic posts regarding the matters later).
And I want to be free, like the black man said in Amistad GIVE ME FREEE GIVE MEE FREEEEE
Why can?t I choose? Why do I have to make myself believe? When I don?t really believe intellectually? Or have severe doubts?
Also it seemed more and more that I did everything myself in life and never really had help, I would never dare to think this before, I mean I could clearly see the dots connecting the actions results and it all leading to whatever current position I was in but I kept thinking Nay Surely Allah has helped me and it blasphemous and ungrateful to say otherwise.
Another point was how people compromised their religions, as I had been doing, and only for four months managed not to do and it drove my batshit crazy. Liberal/Moderate (whatever the fuck that means) Muslims interpreted religions their way, they were adverse to Afghanistan, Iran and Saudi (like Jeffery Lang when he was in Saudi). When I explained to my friend how I also compromised my faith to my friend, things like listening to music, he said do what you can. What the fuck? Then I can do more? Or I have to strive to do as little as I want? GIVE ME FREE!!!
Something else that made my belief system come crashing down (it's not down totally, I keep telling myself that, it?s still on the boxing mat, wheezing, while the referee is counting down maybe it will make it up for another round but I seriously doubt it) was the last girl that I had temporary marriage with. I believed it was a gift from God. We made it work out, you can imagine the awkwardness of the process but anyways I always prayed for a good girl, like decent, it turns out she cheated on me with my colleague and friend whom I was sharing my first drinks with lol. Well, cheated is harsh; we weren?t together but decided to remain faithful only to each other. She had the intention of once breaking that pact, so did I, BUT she at another time did break it.
When it came to pork, a week or so later, I came with the great idea that how can I eat unhalal even if I utter Allah?s name over it? Surely then pork can also work in the same way? Not that I say bismallah anymore. And then I thought pork is a cultural thing, it?s loathed because there is no pork or hard to come by in the Middle East, drinking and non halal meat seem almost "ok" but pork is BAD? No way! So I bought my fav snack, bacon flavored chips (I had it once and stopped eating once I realized that it contained actual traces of pork, I always thought it was just a spice, silly I know, like there is some bacon spice out there that you can sprinkle on your fries) I also got myself beer sausage, yummy!! And I can?t wait till eat bacon: D
hahah it all seems random and that I?m gleefully happy, but the truth is that this is who I am and how I am. I am spontaneous and gleeful, like a big kid basically. But I have thought and read and studied and any time I start thinking about my religion I keep thinking about where it came from, how it was made, I keep thinking about scholars holding this religion by its very threads, all the apologists having full time jobs apologizing, all the scientific Muslim scholars that should be without theirs. I tell myself I never really studied it objectively, I took it for granted and I ignored it. That for a long time doubt has crept up, asked ugly questions, and I?ve beaten it down to submission. Still today, I am not sure where I stand but I know one thing, I will keep reading and keep pushing on.
I will write more I just have to say I love this forum, I still have little fear left and guilt I guess, a bit sad but it feels very relieving to be free, to be able to think freely and do what I wanna do
Topic: My very first post here :)