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 Topic: Berbs Blog, much madness within

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  • Warning emo post contained within
     Reply #1230 - September 15, 2009, 10:48 AM
    Any of my close friends or people nearest to me, infact anyone with real insight can see that I completely lack self esteem and suffer from major image issues.  I can paint a picture of bravado and paste it over my face every day, but inside it never changes, it's constant.

    I have been battling an eating disorder since I was 17, and have been through periods of my life where all mirrors were broken or covered up in my house.

    If you gave me loads of money there isn't any part of me that I wouldn;t surgically change just to be anyone other than me.

    I honestly see nothing of value on the inside or the outside and it's hard to keep this side of me buried deep enough to live normally.

    I avoid pictures, very rarely I will be drunk enough or silly enough to let friends include me in pictures, but once I see the image staring back at me I just want it gone.  This is why any pic I have ever posted in the picture thread has repidly been removed by me.

    I get very very angry, I'm talking rage level anger whenever anyone compliments me, I just want to lash out at them for lying to me, for trying to take me for a fool.

    I see myself every day, I know what I look like, I don't need anyone to tell me any different just to spare my feelings, it hurts me to be lied to instead.

    One of the reasons I am losing interest in the guy I'm seeing is because he keeps going on about how I look, and I just wish he would shut up and stop assuming that all I need is some words thrown at me to make me feel better, nothing anyone ever says makes me feel better.

    This isn't to say that I express any of these fears and insecurities to him, every knows that insecurity is unnattractive and since I already think I'm hitting the lower rungs when it comes to attractiveness I wouldn't exactly take a risk in showing another trait to add to the many things I think are so shitty about me.

    Honestly how do you improve on these self image issues?

    The thought process I go through every morning that I wake up is "it's ok, so what if you are ugly, just get out there and get on with it"

    I know where it all comes from, I know how I ended up feeling this way about myself, but I can't change it.

    I am so sick of hating myself too much to have pictures of me, I am sick of being this way.

    Arghhh, feel sorry for myself kind of day people. banghead

    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1231 - September 15, 2009, 11:07 AM
     far away hug

    I don't really know what to say because a) I'm bad at giving advice and b) I don't want to say anything that will make you feel worse  wacko

    All I can say is that I'm here for you, if you ever need someone just to chill with without the superficial baggage  Smiley If it makes ya happy, I won't compliment you either (though that is very, very hard  lipsrsealed )

     banana dance
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1232 - September 15, 2009, 11:13 AM
     far away hug

    I have no idea how one improves on these self image issues - but I CAN relate to a great deal of what you say.

    But the fact that you are so aware of your situation I think is an enormous plus.

    I would also like to say that you have been and continue to be an inspiration to me - and I know many others here.

    But don't hit me - OK  grin12

     far away hug
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1233 - September 15, 2009, 11:15 AM
    Question: if being complimented makes you angry does it work the other way around? Does being insulted make you feel better? I'm serious here.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1234 - September 15, 2009, 11:16 AM
    Its a bit hard for me to get my head round this, but do you really believe in the things that you tell yourself i.e. that you are all bad?  

    If you dont, then why do you accept them?  Why dont you focus on the nice things as well?

    We all of have good & bad in us, and if we spent all our lives focusing on the negatives then we would all be wearing rope necklaces?
    My Book     news002       
    My Blog  pccoffee
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1235 - September 15, 2009, 11:18 AM
    Thanks spiral hugs it's best not to say anything about my appearance to me when I get like this, sometimes I miss the veil for the this purpose haha really helps on the troll days.  Tongue

    I've heard cognitive behaviour therapy is best for this kind of thing, but my "therapist" said that I have to actually be a bit better on the inside before she can send me for it.  Roll Eyes  I mean how stupid is that, you need psychology because you feel unstable, but you have to be more stable to get it lol.
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1236 - September 15, 2009, 11:25 AM
    She sounds like she just wants to stay employed  Wink

    Just let your logical side overtake your emotional side when your down
    My Book     news002       
    My Blog  pccoffee
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1237 - September 15, 2009, 11:28 AM
    Quote from: Hassan on September 15, 2009, 11:13 AM
    far away hug

    I have no idea how one improves on these self image issues - but I CAN relate to a great deal of what you say.

    But the fact that you are so aware of your situation I think is an enormous plus.

    I would also like to say that you have been and continue to be an inspiration to me - and I know many others here.

    But don't hit me - OK  grin12

     far away hug




    I wish I could see that, instead I don't, I only see the negative things people say, they are all that stay with me.  wacko

    Quote from: osmanthus on September 15, 2009, 11:15 AM
    Question: if being complimented makes you angry does it work the other way around? Does being insulted make you feel better? I'm serious here.


    No, of course it does, but at least I know the person is being honest about what they think of me, often I don't get angry, I just feel hurt because I think those things about me anywway and it's just confirmation of that.

    Quote from: IsLame on September 15, 2009, 11:16 AM
    Its a bit hard for me to get my head round this, but do you really believe in the things that you tell yourself i.e. that you are all bad? 

    If you dont, then why do you accept them?  Why dont you focus on the nice things as well?

    We all of have good & bad in us, and if we spent all our lives focusing on the negatives then we would all be wearing rope necklaces?



    I do believe them, that's why I accept them.  I try very hard not to believe them, to fight the silly thoughts, but even my rationalising is negative.

    As I said, it's never "don't be silly, you are a good person".......it is more like "so you are a bad person, just embrace that, so what if you are" or "you are a dog, stop caring and just accept it"

    Once I have pounded this home a few times I can get back out there and paste that fake smile and get on with it.

    Anyway don't worry, I feel silly to have shared these feelings today.  it was a mad moment of weakness lol

    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1238 - September 15, 2009, 11:29 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on September 15, 2009, 11:18 AM
    I've heard cognitive behaviour therapy is best for this kind of thing, but my "therapist" said that I have to actually be a bit better on the inside before she can send me for it.  Roll Eyes  I mean how stupid is that, you need psychology because you feel unstable, but you have to be more stable to get it lol.

    That's fukn retarded. What does she suggest in the meantime?
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1239 - September 15, 2009, 11:31 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on September 15, 2009, 11:28 AM

    Anyway don't worry, I feel silly to have shared these feelings today.  it was a mad moment of weakness lol




    No way, Berbs - I love u for saying what's in your heart and sharing your feelings - by doing so you help me and others too.

    I'm just sorry I can't find the right words to help you more.
     far away hug
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1240 - September 15, 2009, 11:31 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on September 15, 2009, 11:28 AM
    Anyway don't worry, I feel silly to have shared these feelings today.  it was a mad moment of weakness lol

    Let me guess: you'll use this as another reason to beat yourself up?

    Also what Hass said. Tongue
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1241 - September 15, 2009, 11:32 AM
    Taking pills, but I won't take them, they give me awful side effects and don't really help at all, however none of the docs would listen to me when I explained that I didn't want to take these pills and were quite insistent so I took the prescription, and the anti depressants are in my cupboard being ignored.

    Apparantly by not taking them I would be showing an unwillingness on my part to try anything that would help, and therefore they might not be able to help me.

    It's quite shocking really how much pressure you get put under to take anti depressants, it never used to be this way.  wacko
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1242 - September 15, 2009, 11:36 AM
    Their reasoning is insane. If you find the anti-depressants are worse than useless then you aren't "showing an unwillingness on my part to try anything that would help" at all. Before they can make that judgement they would actually have to offer you something that would help, and it sounds like they are preventing you from getting that.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1243 - September 15, 2009, 11:36 AM
    Quote from: Hassan on September 15, 2009, 11:31 AM
    No way, Berbs - I love u for saying what's in your heart and sharing your feelings - by doing so you help me and others too.

    I'm just sorry I can't find the right words to help you more.
     far away hug



    Thanks Hass hugs

    Quote from: osmanthus on September 15, 2009, 11:31 AM
    Let me guess: you'll use this as another reason to beat yourself up?

    Also what Hass said. Tongue


     Cheesy  Pathetically, yes, most likely would have dogged me for the rest of the week.

    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1244 - September 15, 2009, 11:38 AM
    Suggestion: if this new bloke of yours is at all decent tell him some of this shit so he knows where he stands. Might be worth it.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1245 - September 15, 2009, 11:40 AM
    Quote from: osmanthus on September 15, 2009, 11:36 AM
    Their reasoning is insane. If you find the anti-depressants are worse than useless then you aren't "showing an unwillingness on my part to try anything that would help" at all. Before they can make that judgement they would actually have to offer you something that would help, and it sounds like they are preventing you from getting that.


    Mate, my jaw hit the floor when they told me how I needed to be more stable to get proper help, it seems simple to me, stop promoting pills that don't do jack, and put people forward for real help as soon as they need it.

    I mean my next appointment with her is in 6 weeks, what kind of therapy is spaced that far apart?

    Did I mention she is a muslim who knows I;m an ex muslim?  or that the other doctor above her is also a muslim?  this is the one that felt one of my sessions was best used to discuss how wrong I was about Islam. banghead

    NHS - sucks at times.
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1246 - September 15, 2009, 11:41 AM
    Anti-depressants can have really adverse effects though. My mum was on anti-depressants when I was a bit younger, and now apparently she is back on them (part of the reason I am hesitant about apostatizing). I can tell you, they aren't pretty, I mean neither is depression, but fuckin' with the chemicals in your brain is not good.

    I don't think you should beat yourself up about sharing this with us Berbs, in fact I think this will make our friendships stronger.  Smiley
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1247 - September 15, 2009, 11:43 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on September 15, 2009, 11:40 AM

    Did I mention she is a muslim who knows I;m an ex muslim?  or that the other doctor above her is also a muslim?  this is the one that felt one of my sessions was best used to discuss how wrong I was about Islam. banghead

    NHS - sucks at times.


    That's absurd!  finmad

    If she suggested that one of your session be used for such a stupid thing, that is very unprofessional.  wacko
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1248 - September 15, 2009, 11:43 AM
    her next step will be to offer Islam as therapy  Roll Eyes
    My Book     news002       
    My Blog  pccoffee
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1249 - September 15, 2009, 11:44 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on September 15, 2009, 11:40 AM
    Mate, my jaw hit the floor when they told me how I needed to be more stable to get proper help, it seems simple to me, stop promoting pills that don't do jack, and put people forward for real help as soon as they need it.

    I mean my next appointment with her is in 6 weeks, what kind of therapy is spaced that far apart?

    Did I mention she is a muslim who knows I;m an ex muslim?  or that the other doctor above her is also a muslim?  this is the one that felt one of my sessions was best used to discuss how wrong I was about Islam. banghead

    NHS - sucks at times.


    You should complain about that.  They're not supposed to be preaching on NHS time.
    "Befriend them not, Oh murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny."  - happymurtad's advice on trolls.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1250 - September 15, 2009, 11:49 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on September 15, 2009, 11:40 AM
    Mate, my jaw hit the floor when they told me how I needed to be more stable to get proper help, it seems simple to me, stop promoting pills that don't do jack, and put people forward for real help as soon as they need it.

    Stop making sense. It upsets the bureaucrats. whistling2

    Seriously it sounds bloody spot on to me. Medication often affects different people differently. If it doesn't work for you, and since that is a subjective judgement anyway they have no grounds for contradicting you, then they should bloody well drop it and try something else.


    Quote
    Did I mention she is a muslim who knows I;m an ex muslim?  or that the other doctor above her is also a muslim?  this is the one that felt one of my sessions was best used to discuss how wrong I was about Islam. banghead

    Ok this is seriously fucked. It's verging on mental and emotional abuse, given the circumstances. I'd be seriously thinking of filing a formal complaint about their attitudes. If they think you are fucked up for rejecting their religion they have absolutely no business at all offering you counselling in a supposedly secular system.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1251 - September 15, 2009, 01:55 PM
    Quote from: BerberElla on September 15, 2009, 11:40 AM
    Mate, my jaw hit the floor when they told me how I needed to be more stable to get proper help, it seems simple to me, stop promoting pills that don't do jack, and put people forward for real help as soon as they need it.

    I mean my next appointment with her is in 6 weeks, what kind of therapy is spaced that far apart?

    Did I mention she is a muslim who knows I;m an ex muslim?  or that the other doctor above her is also a muslim?  this is the one that felt one of my sessions was best used to discuss how wrong I was about Islam. banghead

    NHS - sucks at times.

    Can you change therapists? They shouldn't be behaving like that, it's bullying!
    ~My story~
    ~Collection of unethical hadiths/surahs~
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1252 - September 15, 2009, 03:25 PM
    I wish I lived in Britain so I could be of some sort of support to you.

    I can only say: My impression of you is of a loving, sensible, STRONG woman who has single-handedly managed to make life better for SO many people around her.

    I wish somebody can help you see you for who everybody else sees you.

    /Stefan
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1253 - September 15, 2009, 10:24 PM
    What he said.  Afro
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1254 - September 15, 2009, 10:28 PM
    People from the medical profession are highly inclined to religious madness. Religious types never respect secular institutions.
    Take the Pakman challenge and convince me there is a God and Mo was not a murdering, power hungry sex maniac.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1255 - September 17, 2009, 12:47 PM
    Sorry for the late reply, especially since I have been here just haven't replied, I just didn;t want to dwell on those crappy feelings of the other day, I vented it out and now I feel better about me.

    I'm going to make a formal complaint about the therapist they gave me, and the spacing apart of the appointments as it makes no sense.  Afro




    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1256 - September 17, 2009, 12:48 PM
    Cool. Good move.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1257 - September 17, 2009, 12:58 PM
    Excellent move  Afro
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1258 - September 20, 2009, 08:58 AM
    Quote from: SE-man on September 15, 2009, 03:25 PM
    I wish I lived in Britain so I could be of some sort of support to you.




    Out of interest Stefan, what would you do?
    Ha Ha.
  • Re: Berbs Blog, much madness within
     Reply #1259 - September 20, 2009, 04:18 PM
    I don't know. Offer to be there would of course be the first step. Then things tend to come automatically.

    Considering I do not know the first thing about how the UK works, I have to realize I probably couldn't do dip shit practically. But I do wish  I could.
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