I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so defeated, and so depressed right now. My eldest son, the one with ODD, attacked me really badly today. It started on the bus, going into town. There were only a few stops left before we were due to get off, and he asked if he could take his coat off, I said he couldn't because it would be a matter of minutes before we got back off the bus.
He went mental at me, started calling me names and threatening all sorts of things if I didn't let him. Of course I felt like now I really couldn't cave in, because it would look like I was giving in due to his threats. The bus pulled up, it wasn't even our stop to get off, but he got up and went diving for the door saying he was running off. I grabbed him to stop him at which stage he turned around and punched me in the shoulder.
We struggled a bit but I sat him back down, all the while with him kicking and throwing punches at me whilst everyone stared at me like I was a bad mother because I couldn't control my kid. For the remaining two bus stops we struggled in the seats, with me trying to restrain him, and stop him constantly punching and kicking me.
I had my other two kids with me aswell, and even though they are too young to cross roads without holding my hands, I had no choice because my son was still attacking me.
In order to jump on a returning bus you have to walk through the high street, and since I cancelled going out due to this incident I had to return home straight away because I knew with my son the way he was I needed to get home as soon as.
He fought me every step of the way, half way through the high street I couldn't take the kicks and punches anymore, so holding him against a wall I tried to phone social services and that is when he really went crazy. Up until this point it was random, now it was pulling my hair, punching over and over, wriggling out of any attempt of mine to hold him and stop him.
I admit, I lost my temper after this, and smacked him and forced him back against the wall.
People were walking past, or standing around and watching, some of them saying that kids deserves a good beating, which he could hear, and say "fuck off" back to them. He was screaming and crying, and swearing, saying he would kill us all and himself.
The police came over, and asked me what was wrong, I was still holding him aginst the wall and I told them through tears of shame about his condition, and they went on there merry way looking really baffled. (unhelpful)
I managed to call a taxi and get him to it, more fighting, more screaming.
He has been so tearful and so apologetic since he calmed down, so ashamed of himself he says.
He knows I am thinking of sending him to live with his father, and he was crying saying he doesn't want to go and that he loves me and that he wants to try harder, but he has done this before, said it before, and still ends up getting worse.
I feel defeated now, I feel sad, I just don;t know what to do. I love my son so much, I know I joke about and moan about being a mother, but I do love my kids, I love them so much that it hurts, and this illness of my son means I hurt so much more.
I feel alone, no one helps me really. I have no breaks, social services tell me I'm not entitled to respite, his home schooling is touch and go because he has chased of three teachers (female) and is on the fourth (male).
:(
Topic: Berbs Blog, much madness within