I was supposed to write an updated statement for court and file it last week, but I never did. Everytime I tried to write one up I didn't see the point anymore.
I want to give up and just get on with my life. Let him see the kids and just let go of the battle.
What is the point in fighting when they care nothing for what I say, they said the violence wasn't enough, they say that my sons behaviour is not enough on it's own, and I wonder deep down whether my ex is really responsible solely for the way my son is? I mean some say it's genetic, some say it's what happens in the childs life, I think it's both and I just can't blame him completely for all of it.
Don't get me wrong I hate him, I know that he will get in their heads but I can't even prove that, nor would it matter to the court. All that matters is what the kids want and the kinds want to see their faith.
My son asked me what would be the end result if I won at court so I told him, and he burts in to tears, how can I tear him apart like this? what is once every two weeks? I am still the main carer and I hope my values will be enough.
I risk making my children resent me enough that they may be more drawn to him in the lon term.
Far better to just let them see him properly so that they can see for themselves over time what it took me time to see too.
Of course I am terrified that he will try to kill me once the kids say can we have a bacon sandwich, or my son says "my mother told me the quran was just a book of old myths that people were foolish enough to believe in once", but no court will ever stop access based on religion, so what is the point in fighting?
They believe him when he says he will never do anything to me, I don't but they do, so why write a statement when all my statements before meant nothing?
I quit, let the access continue, let it just settle, let's see what comes next.
I am tired of fighting a losing battle and worrying all the time.