Things have started moving rapidly over here since a family support worker was assigned to my case. Firstly she made contact with the right department within the police, I have met with an officer the first time and a detective the second time. They take the threat to me very seriously at last, the first officer didn't even need much of an explanation once I told him that I was an ex muslim ex wife, he knew what it meant for me.
Basically the outcome of the second meeting with the detective is an emergency police transfer, so I will be moved finally.
Oddly I am so depressed right now, you would think I would be happy that my safety will finally be assured yet here I am at the bottom of a miserable pit. I am afraid of taking any staeps forward and this move will be a step forward, out of this bubble of inertia and fast flung forward being told I can start living. Afraid of living because I fear so many things, just full of endless fears that are conquering me.
I want to move so much, yet when I move there are no more excuses to stall starting the rest of my life, it's live or fail, and if I fail even more than I have already will I make it through it again?
It's not like I have a choice now anyway, things ARE happening and I have to ride the wave forward or be drowned under it. May as well grab a board and ride that wave.
The situation with my son is awful, I have started looking into boarding schools because I just can't cope with his violence, or his running away when we are out and about. Like when we were returning from the contact centre on saturday and he decided to run away from me because I said no to one of his unreasonable demands. Off into a high storey car park where I can't chase him because of the 5 and 4 yr old also in my care. I had to phone the police to fetch him and he actually fought them, my 5 yr old son said to me "They should have sent men officers" so insightful into what my eldest son will respond better to.
Anyway every single person who can help are now writing supporting letters for me to present to the judge, and hopefully end this nightmare of access which is making my son become a monster.
Either way it's so fucking depressing, watching the damage I allowed to happen to my son finally bear its fruits as sour and rotten as they are.
I need to snap out of this apathy and despondancy I feel, but I can't, I'm sure it's not I won't, because every night I go to sleep I set in my head to be more cheerful the next day, to not let it all bring me down, to snap out of it yet wake up feeling more miserable with each morning.
Topic: Berbs Blog, much madness within