It seems hard for everyone right now, not to let the chat episode define your stay at CEMB so far… but, I can see from your post regarding your journey to us, that there is so much more to you. Thanks for writing all of that: I found it a fascinating read and, as Lara said, I think that if you manage to overcome the current chat-storm that you seem to be within, you will become a valuable member on here, with much to contribute.
Anyways, a few bits stood out for my in your post about Islam:
I have always wished for their to be a god, a loving omnipotent being who only wants good things for me but instead all I found in islam was a petty cruel god that demanded people to perform pointless tasks to appease him/her! I love star trek and I felt like this 'god' was akin to an entity that literally feeds off the servitude of others. When you read the quran it demands, orders, forces, pleads, cajoles, does everything to convince people to believe so desperately as though 'god' would not exist without prayers and belief to feed him/her! This seemed so ridiculous to me.
That’s a pretty good way of looking at the Islamic God. I’m a fan of Star Trek also, and I can see the Islamic God easily fitting into a baddie role within a one hour-long episode, where he can be easily explained, dissected, scorned at, pitied, and finally defeated in time for the group hug at the end of the episode. However, I can’t help but feel that the scriptwriters would face a huge headache dealing with the schizophrenic, contradictory nature of this particular baddie, and I would not envy them the task of writing a coherent episode as a result of that.
I got close. I got engaged to one, he was the least muslim muslim man I knew so I thought this would be a good compromise. I could leave home respectably then live as I chose. However, I felt suffocated beneath this lie. I never loved this guy, he was just a way for me! Thankfully I came to my senses and broke off the engagement!
This subject is close to my heart because I did end up marrying a Muslim despite my apostasy (and I am still with her). Obviously, the fact that you did not love the guy was justification enough for you to walk away. But, I wonder, would you have stayed with him if you had loved him (and despite his belief in Islam)?
I continued living at home until I could no longer bear it. Over the many years I had spiralled downward into depression due to all of this- my mum is a great person and unfortunately when depressed you usually take it out on your nearest and dearest. I resented her, for her goodness (letting people take the piss!), for her faith! It angered me. I started to get anxiety attacks. I was at this time living partially away from home at uni- I went home less and less, each time dreading going there, feeling suffocated when I neared the town
I’m sorry to hear this. Many of us here have had similar experiences with depression, sometimes directly as a result of dealing with the pressures of apostasy. Should you wish to get a sense of the difficulties that others have faced on this forum, the following threads may be some use to you:
http://www.councilofexmuslims.com/index.php?topic=10834.25http://www.councilofexmuslims.com/index.php?topic=12753.0In the end I realised that I had to leave. I knew that this would probably kill my mum but if I continued living this lie I'd die or go crazy at the very least! I had to go! Living a lie is the hardest thing, it destroys you from the inside out and I just couldn't do it any more. I left and not secretly.
---
My family know I am not muslim- my sister talks to me but won't allow me any contact with her children- she fears I will influence them! My mum hasn't spoken to me since I left, neither has my brother. It breaks my heart. I've lost so much just for my beliefs.
You sound like a very brave individual for making the choice that you did by openly declaring your apostasy to your family. Many of us on here have stood at a similar crossroads, and faced the choice of either remaining true to ourselves, or remaining quiet in order to keep the peace with our family and friends. Not all of us have chosen to travel down the seemingly more difficult path that you have chosen to go down: I can only commend you for your bravery and hope that things improve between you and your family in the years to come.
Anyways, forgive me for going on and on: someone recently showed me how to use the multi-quote thingy on this forum, and I felt like showing off
Topic: Hi I'm Saffire