It's Ramadan, I'm feeling in a somewhat contemplative mood, so I decided to write a blog.
DISCLAIMER: This isn't a blog featuring immensely deep and intellectual philosophical conjecture nor does it feature any exciting tales of drug fuelled sex orgies. I don't even care if anyone reads it or not. It is really just a way for me to get my thoughts out. If even one person finds it useful, interesting or entertaining in some way then great.
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07/08/11 - Reflections for RamadanToday I prayed optionally for the first time in two years.
I was in a very stressful place with my life, and I'll be honest... they were giving out free food. So I am a food stealing bastard. But no, in all reality I am planning to pay for the food at some point.
I decided to stay for isha prayer. I just needed to get away from my room, from my work. Maybe I was lonely. Even though its been two years since I officially left Islam, I still feel a hole left where it used to be, and that hole has never been filled. Whilst living on my own is great in terms of I don't need to fast, pray or anything, during Ramadan in particular I feel a different kind of hunger within myself - a kind of
spiritual hunger, like something is missing.
So I went to the mosque and prayed Isha. And I'll be honest, I felt emotional. I suddenly felt like I understood why people convert to Islam. The scented carpets, the raindrops on the roof, even the qiraat of the imam, was dare I say it - beautiful. Even though what he was saying was probably misogynistic bollocks or about killing Jews. It felt transcendential, that feeling I used to get when I could escape from all the shit in my life and just lose yourself. In a weird way I understood how people like luftazure can still enjoy praying.
Then I stayed for tarawih, I needed to. And I'll be honest, it was very therapeutic for me, almost like taking a drug.
I dont want to convert back to Islam. Of course not. Maybe this whole episode was a kind of like going into foetal position or like Edward Norton's character in Fight Club going to cancer support groups ("I am Jack's insecure need to believe in something"). But this is my life, this is what works for me right now. I no longer feel that those who pray, go to Church, whatever, despite disbelief, are hypocrites or sitting on the "fence". I feel like there
is no fence, there shouldn't have to be one or the other.
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When I left Islam, this place was like a life support machine for me, and I owe alot to the people here. From getting my story of leaving Islam off my chest, to relationship advice in the dating thread, to general advice on everything from telling my parents about leaving Islam to financial worries. I haven't always been very active posting here as many topics go above my head or posters have already said what I have wanted to say, but lurking on these boards has been as much a comfort as posting here.
I have had it easier than many ex-Muslims. Being a 20-something male living in the UK is probably a best-case scenario for anyone leaving Islam, so even though my parents know everything, it is not nearly as bad as it could be. We have reached a kind of stalemate, they accept me for who I am but secretly hope that I will change back to the son they used to know. I advise them that son was deeply unhappy within himself, but that was all down to a "phase" apparently. Long car journeys are still a nightmare though.
I am getting married soon to a girl I love, and I have been offered a dream job (alhamdul-FSM). When I tell people I am getting married it ranges from reactions of "mashallah bro you are hooked up!!" from Muslims, to raised eyebrows and questions of "are you sure?" from most other people. I think it's the right decision, and the girl, although Muslim, accepts me for who I am which is more than I could ask for. However this job means I will be separated from her for months at a time and this is the cause of alot of my stress, as well as the fact that because she is Muslim there may be other issues down the line, particularly from extended family and having read the advice of musivore and others.
At the same time I appreciate that this is a very positive time in my life, especially during alot of the past two years during alot of which I was not sure whether I wanted to stick around in this life or not.
However, I think, for the moment, I most definitely will...
Topic: <insert life here> (my blog)