Our kids choose themselves which religion they want to confess to," writes author and lecturer Kristina Aamand
“My parents have given their permission that we may marry, far out," says the happy voice on the other end of the phone."
The woman I speak with have been through a lot. She grew up with Pakistani parents, but has herself taken many Danish values to heart. This has given rise to conflicts, and I know how hard she has fought for the right to spend her life with the man she chose. A Danish man. Therefore, I am glad to hear her say these very words. And curious. For how has she managed to convince her parents that the pale faced lover trumps a man from Pakistan?
"Yes, he of course has to convert to Islam," she says, "out of respect for my culture and my parents."
I can feel how my euphoria turns to disappointment, but I don´t have the heart to say out loud, that to me, forcing another human being into a religion has nothing to do with respect. But, I know it happens all the time.
Most ethnic minorities still marry within their own ethnic group. And when it happens that a son or daughter comes home with a native Dane, it rarely gives rise to elation. The same goes the other way, to many ethnic Danish families being intercultural is still a great challenge.
It is said, that according to Islam, it is permissible for a Muslim man to marry a pious Christian woman. But it is not permissible for a Muslim woman to marry a pious Christian man. Who said equality? And what type of respect is it, which only applies one way?
Children should learn to respect other people's food
A similar example is children´s institutions, where all pork products are by now banned. But why not just offer the Muslim children a pork free menu, and then let the Danish children, who are not vegetarians or on other trendy diets, enjoy their meatballs?
Maybe extra work for the kitchen lady, but with a noble purpose: to show children that respect goes both ways and teach them, that you do not call the food of other people gross!
The question is whether it has turned out this way because Muslims make unreasonable demands, or because non-Muslim Danes have lost track and are afraid that some people may take offense and get angry?
Actually, it is possible to build bridges between religions.
The history of the liver paté
It may even be possible to have a happy marriage where there is room for both God and others. My husband is Pakistani and Muslim. I believe in angels, gods and wizards. We were both only nineteen years old when we first met, and he came directly from his mother's kebab to our miniature two-bedroom apartment that was to accommodate two religions. I can best describe how we got it to work by telling the liver paté story.
My husband does not eat pork. He was brought up with the notion that it is an unclean animal. In a way I am too, as I grew up with a Muslim father. But I've always thought that it must be a misunderstanding since Allah has created the pig. And since it is neither cute as a kitten or is useful as a draft animal, the only thing left is to cook it in countless ways.
I had - and have - respect for his pig-aversion, but why should that automatically lead to me being unable to now and again have a liver paté sandwich? "You must respect my religion," was his explanation. "Well, what about respect for my free will to choose what I want to eat?" I replied.
I chose to confront the challenge with what I call the 'fish tank' approach - you know when a fish is to become accustomed to a new fish tank, you leave it to rock around in a little plastic bag of water until it is ready to meet the new environment. So I took my Stryhns liver paté and wrapped it in three layers Vita-wrap, and then put it in a corner in the back of the fridge.
Today we have been married for 18 years and Stryhns has taken the long journey from the corner in the fridge to now lie in all its nudity at the lunch table alongside products from the halal butcher.
Our children choose themselves
Maybe you think, "yes yes, that's fine, liver paté is one thing, but what about child rearing?" Yes, our children choose which religion they want to follow. We don´t preach.
And then there's the things where it's either-or. Like circumcision. It meant more to my husband that our first son was circumcised, than it did to me that he was not. So I gave my husband the "foreskin". When we had our second son, I had meanwhile vowed that I would never again expose my child to a circumcision. It meant so much to me that my husband gave in.
At the time of writing this, there is a new family member of about four cm in my stomach, our fifth child. Perhaps created by Allah, maybe a reborn soul from the universe which has its own special mission on earth.
Whatever you choose to believe, then the new baby will be born into a colourful bunch. Our son Noah has chosen to be a Muslim. Sophia thinks religions are ridiculous. And then there's Liv, whose mantra is' I am Pakistani, "while Bror adores his mother. Last but not least, a father who is a Muslim and a mother who eats pigs.
If only more had the courage to try
It is possible then to make room for other truths besides your own. It is a pity that not more people dare to try. And a pity for the woman on the phone and her Danish husband that they have to negotiate with the freedom to be themselves, to get together. They could of course choose to ignore the Pakistani family´s discriminatory demand for conversion.
However, people's living conditions are different, and the woman has still made a major achievement. She has chosen her future husband herself, as the first in the family ever. So I refrain from preaching to her, and say aloud "Congratulations, I wish all the best for you."
And I mean it! Because I really believe that the world would be a better place if more people were less arrogant in their belief. If more could accommodate other truths than merely their own, and not just expect respect, but also give respect. Even when what you meet collide with the values closest to your heart.
http://www.religion.dk/artikel/386916:Synspunkt--Far-er-muslim---mor-spiser-svin?all=1Kristina Aamand is the daughter of a Palestinian immigrant (married to a Syrian woman) who lived with a Danish woman and had two children by her before bringing his Syrian family to Denmark. One of her half-brothers is the very democracy minded politician Naser Khader, who is hated by many Muslims for his outspokenness and is under constant Police protection.
Topic: Dad is a Muslim - Mum eats pork