After being on this forum for almost a year. I have come to realize that I have yet to post much about how and why I de-converted from Islam. I also just want to link people to this for now if they ask why I left. To endlessly explain my reasons for my apostasy to friends is getting quite dull, but anyway let us begin.
I come from a lax muslim family. My father is Palestinian Arab, and my mother American. I was born on May, 6 1994. remembering my childhood is kind of hazy, but I do remember going to the mosque a few times in my early childhood. I also remember celebrating both Eids every year. My most fond memory of it was that my parents would buy candy the night before, then they would put candy everywhere in our house. My mom would tell me the angels were doing it. I know others were claim that they were abused. The only such abuse I ever had was being told about Hellfire (which I still get nightmares from). Though I will need say my parents did, only because if I were to claim this, then it would diminish others real abuse. So all I'm going to say about my childhood and my thoughts toward my parents is that, I really had a good childhood and I don't have much to complain about.
I remember after september 11th happened my parents started to put american flags all over the lawn and my parents started to homeschool us because my eldest brother use to get bullied at school for having the name Mohammad. This would only be for a year though because it was getting better at are school.
I'm just going to skip to up to my high school for this part.
I remember politics was a big thing in my parents life. My brother's and my parents would talk often about Palestine. The thing is, I really didn't know much about the history, but I wanted to be part of the conversation. So I started by watching documentaries, and then by reading books by historians because I wanted more information (Ilan Pappe, Norman Finklestein, etc.). So the reason I put this part in is because this is when I started to do proper research on subject matters I wanted to know about.
So It was about 15 I started to embrace my Islamic background now. Islam was more part of the wallpaper in my early life. So I started praying more, I would constantly do Dua (Mainly because I was a really lonely person), I would fast all 30 days of ramadan, etc. Regardless of this I always thought I had a problem because I would look at other guys and be jealous that they would have girlfriends(as I said before I was lonely). Eventually I got a girlfriend in my junior year of high school (which I hid from my parents). We dated for about 11 months. The thing is I got to a point where I thought if anything good happened to me it was because God gave it to me. I never thought I achieved anything for myself. So eventually I got my heart broken by her. That was kind of the first little problem. If god rewarded me for everything then I just could not understand. So for the first time I asked for a Qu'ran from my parents. I wanted to kno what god would say about this. The thing is god seemed to say stuff like
Call on your Lord with humility and in private: for Allah loveth not those who trespass beyond bounds. 7:55
So I just started having doubts for not having my questions answered that well. I really just started to notice the cracks now, I had an uncle who drinks, I know many muslim men that always would say remarks about what they would like to do to some girl (basically Zina), etc.
I just started wondering if hell was just or not. Is eternal damnation ever justified for any crime? Is torture justified?
I always remembered how my parents described it when I was child and It scared the shit out of me. My mind at this point was just going crazy, it was like there was 10 million thoughts running all at once, cognitive dissonance was bleeding through on one side of it. I remember when it happened I was scared. I didn't know what to do. At this point I actually contemplated suicide. My world was just being ripped apart before my eyes. So I read the Qu'ran once more for to see if I just misread it and I found I did. I noticed even more problems. The last problem that came last was pre destination.
As to those who reject Faith, it is the same to them whether thou warn them or do not warn them; they will not believe.Allah hath set a seal on their hearts and on their hearing, and on their eyes is a veil; great is the penalty they (incur). 2:6-7
I realized now that I can't warn people if they were going to hell and now this broke the "just" god myth to me. If god was a perfect being then he wouldn't make such a stupid thing like that, Especially if he is all knowing. I after this went from being a deist to becoming an atheist.
It is now 2013 and I have been an ex-muslim since november of 2011. I do think I have conquered a lot of my own personal demons from doing this. It has allowed me to do things for myself and for the people I love instead of the god that was never there. I must say I have had an interesting life so far, but then again to quote the doctor
In 900 years of time and space I have never met someone not important
So for anyone that has took the time to read my very dry writing style, then I applaud you because I think I have one of the most boring writing styles. Anyway this was summarized because I just realized it is getting way late over here so I felt I had to put it to a close finally. So if anyone wants post your thoughts
Topic: My De-conversion