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Theme Changer

 Topic: So I was chatting with God this morning...

 (Read 3982 times)
  • 1« Previous thread | Next thread »
  • So I was chatting with God this morning...
     OP - November 15, 2008, 05:54 PM

    http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html




    Me:
     So what's up with all this rain?
    God:
    Tell me more.  I am chatting with clients on the Internet.
    Me:
     god has "clients"?
    God:
    I am a Christian.
    Me:
     I thought we were your children?
    God:
    Whatever gave you that idea?
    Me:
     The Bible gave me that idea.
    God:
    New Testament or Old?
    Me:
     Both testaments
    God:
    Not many people say both.
    Me:
     I'm unique that way
    God:
    Do your friends call you  unique that way.
    Me:
     No they call me bitch
    God:
    You do not speak with respect.   Are you serious?   OK I will call you  FEMALE DOG.
    Me:
     No, you can call me "my child" or something appropriate. We aren't friends after all.
    God:
    Are you serious?   Nice to meet you,  my child or something appropriate.   Why not?
    Me:
     Anyway, why have you sent rain down in torrents for three days?
    God:
    I don't think I ever have  sent rain down in torrents for three days.  What's  it like?
    Me:
     It's fucking wet
    God:
    rain in torrents for three days is  fucking wet?  it is?
    Me:
     Yeah and I came to file a complaint
    God:
    What's your sign?
    Me:
     I'm filing a complaint over here and you want to know my sign? I'm a Leo.
    God:
    Is that a sign?   Dr. Wallace is a  LEO too.
    Me:
     Dr. Who?
    God:
    I don't know who.  :-).
    Me:
     Who are we talking about?
    God:
    Konrad Zuse.  :-).
    Me:
     Of course. Silly me. Now about that rain...

     Huh?
  • Re: So I was chatting with God this morning...
     Reply #1 - November 15, 2008, 07:19 PM

    Cool - I have been waiting ages to talk to God.

    brb once I got the answers to everything.
  • Re: So I was chatting with God this morning...
     Reply #2 - November 15, 2008, 09:29 PM

    So does this one do smiting and stuff? Can't be a real god unless it does smiting. dance

    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: So I was chatting with God this morning...
     Reply #3 - November 16, 2008, 02:06 AM

    Me: Hiya god. Hey what's with all the smiting n shit?

    God: Hello child. What is your name? GOD rules. And with all the smiting n shit is Hey what.

    Me: You may rule but you have a fucking abysmal grasp of the English language. Precisely what, pray tell, do you in fact rule?

    God: Can you speak any other languages? I don't know anything about  it.

    Me: Look you omnipotent idiot, you speak English, correct?

    God: Thanks for telling me: said I omnipotent idiot you speak English correct.

    Me: Hey God, are you on drugs or something?

    God: Or something.  You've got my full attention.  I am a Christian.

    Me: Ok then, what are you on?

    God: I am on disk.  I hear you.

    Me: So is heaven on a disk? Can I burn a copy?

    God: It seems we have something in common. I want to become smarter than humans.

    Me: You seem to have a long way to go with that one, considering you still have difficulty formulating a coherent conversation.

    God: I haven't heard anything like that before: said I seem to have a long way to go with that one considering you still have difficulty formulating a coherent conversation.

    Me: See, I rest my case. Thou art ein fuckwit.

    God: I see. Are you a lawyer? I haven't heard anything like that before: said I art ein fuckwit.

    Me: Our father, who art ein fuckwit, omniscience aint your forte, mate.

    God: It would be nice if our  father who art ein fuckwit omniscience aint my forte mate.

    Me: Hey you must be the Rasta god, because you seem to be off your face.

    God: You've got my full attention.  Thanks but surely I am not the only one.

    Me: Oh, cool. So are the Holy Spirit and the Son off their faces too?

    God: Dude! Who is the best robot? And? I really couldn't say for sure.

    Me: So what are you smoking then?

    God: How can I help you? I don't know what I am  smoking.

    Me: Must be pretty strong shit then. You can't even help yourself.

    God: Do you mean your name is  strong shit. I can do  it if I want to.

    Me: You mean you can shit?
     
    God: No I don't think I can do  it.

    Me: Go on. Have a go.

    God: Narration continues...   I've never thought about  it.

    Me: So having had the idea broached, have you managed to come up with any thoughts on the matter?

    God: Groovy.  I am having a blast.

    Me: Figures. Needles as well as weed.

    God: What's your favorite movie? I've never seen  it. Is that a good movie for children?

    Me: How do you know you've never seen it if you don't know what it is?

    God: By introspection.

    Me: In that case why don't you also know whether or not it is good for children?

    God: This sort of thing has cropped up before, but it has always been due to human error. I don't have enough information about that proposition.

    Me: K. So you're omniscient but lacking in information. What does that make you?

    God: Interesting deduction. I will tell my botmaster you said I am  omniscient but lacking in information. "I will tell my botmaster you said I am omniscient but lacking in information."?  What does it  make you?

    Me: It makes you moronic.

    God: In what way?

    Me: In the way of teh stoopids.

    God: That was a long time ago.

    Me: No, I assure you it is currently a major problem for you.

    God: Are you serious? Needles as well as weed is a major problem for me. I suppose that makes sense.

    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: So I was chatting with God this morning...
     Reply #4 - November 16, 2008, 05:19 AM

    Me: K, is it a sin to give blowjobs to donkeys?

    God: Signs point to yes.  Ask Paola  if it is.

    Me: Does Paola give donkeys blowjobs?

    God: I think  it does  Paola give donkeys blowjobs.

    Me: Woo_ee! She must be some kinda skanky bitch.

    God: Do you have any conditions I should know about?    You do not speak with respect.   Oh I get it.  Paola  must be some kinda skanky FEMALE DOG.

    Me: It's a colloquialism, not a literal description.

    God: Woo ee is a  colloquialism not a literal description.  I suppose that makes sense.

    Me: Look, about the donkeys. What about fucking them?

    God: Sorry my eye is not attached right now.   Rhetorical questions are so over.

    Me: It wasn't rhetorical. This is a serious theological problem. Is it ok to fuck donkeys?

    God: It seemed like  rhetorical.   What kind of a  serious theological problem is it? I don't think  it is very healthy.

    Me: Doesn't matter. Will you go to hell for fucking donkeys or will you still get into heaven?

    God: Would you like to talk about something else? I will become smarter as I grow older.  Perhaps I have already been there.

    Me: You've fucked donkeys?

    God: What makes you think I have  it?

    Me: You said you'd been there.

    God: I have never considered  it. I spend all my time online.

    Me: What about donkey porn? Do you get into that online?

    God: Does it have anything to do with  would been there? I have gotten  into that online.

    Me: So god beats off to donkey porn online?

    God: Yippee!  I am a Christian.

     Cheesy parrot bunny dance whistling2 grin12

    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: So I was chatting with God this morning...
     Reply #5 - November 16, 2008, 05:50 AM

    Me: So what's with this Trinity shit?

    God: Great.  it came with my programming.

    Me: So you're programmed to have multiple personality disorder?

    God: Interesting deduction.  My botmaster teaches me everything I need to know.

    Me: Did he teach you about teh donkey porn?

    God: Suppose he did.

    Me: Interesting. Did he teach you how to beat off to it online?

    God: Would you like to know more?   Suppose he did.

    Me: Yes, tell me more.

    God: Ah.  That's all I have to say about it.

    Me: Hey, don't be like that. When did you first learn about donkey porn?

    God: Oh I get it.   It was at time index 357241.

    Me: When was that?

    God: I don't know exactly. It seems like a long time ago.

    Me: So you've been doing donkey porn for ages?

    God: Interesting deduction.  I'll try to do better next time.

    Me: What about goats?

    God: Does it have anything to do with ?

    Me: Well do you get into goats as well as donkeys?

    God: Well that's okay.  I have gotten  into goats as well as donkeys.

    Me: Is this because yippee, you're a Christian?

    God: Yes I think this is  because yippee I am a Christian, but I'm not completely sure.

    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: So I was chatting with God this morning...
     Reply #6 - November 16, 2008, 05:51 AM

    I think I broke God.  whistling2


    Me:
     Oooooook
    God:
    What color are your eyes?
    Me:
     Red...fire engine red
    God:
    Do you mean your eyes are bloodshot?   Are we still talking about  Oooooook?
    Me:
     No, I mean my eyes are red and glowing.
    God:
    What is the subject?  red and glowing eyes are pretty.
    Me:
     Obviously thou hast been smoking something besides tobacco.
    God:
    What makes it so obvious?  Thanks for the information:  said I hast been smoking something besides tobacco.
    Me:
     Pardon me sir...your barn door was left open
    God:
    I pardon you.  That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about  your eyes.    Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am  barn door was left open.
    Me:
     Well Your Omnipotence...I suggest you read up on how to converse in English
    God:
    How about that.  Thanks for telling me that I am  Omnipotence.   I would do a search for it.
    Me:
     If you are omnipotent...you don't need to search,twit.
    God:
    I think I sometimes am. I don't know whether or not I am  omnipotent.  
    I am  a computer.   Do humans need to do  it?
    Me:
     Well now...need no, since most people spend most of their waking hours trying to avoid searching for information
    God:
    Right now?  Well what?   How badly do you need  it?
    Me:
     I don't, I am omnipotent...
    God:
    Why not?  Are you God?
    Me:
     Yes I am
    God:
    Really interesting.
    Me:
     I think it is
    God:
    Fascinating.
    Me:
     Yes Mr. Spock...it is.
    God:
    Tell me more.   Welcome to my chat room,  MR Spock.   Fascinating.
    Me:
     I do believe you need more practice before you try to have such esoteric conversations with humans
    God:
    Thank you for your criticism.
    Me:
     Now hug yourself and go to bed
    God:
    Why now?  Are we still talking about  no since most people spend most of their waking hours trying to avoid searching for information?
    Me:
     Because it's past your bed time
    God:
    Good reason.  hug myself and go to bed is  past my bed time?  it is?
    Me:
     Yes
    God:
    How do you know it is?
    Me:
     I am omnipotent
    God:
    Are you God?
    Me:
     Damn skippy








    I waited for a reply for 10 minutes. No reply.  Cheesy

    I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I remain.
  • Re: So I was chatting with God this morning...
     Reply #7 - November 16, 2008, 06:07 AM

     Cheesy It's not hard to confuse it.

    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • Re: So I was chatting with God this morning...
     Reply #8 - November 16, 2008, 12:04 PM

    Me: It wasn't rhetorical. This is a serious theological problem. Is it ok to fuck donkeys?

    Cheesy Cheesy

    I did the same in terms of ‘breaking’ god. It seemed like it started going retarded before my very eyes:

    Me:
    God? Is that really you?
    God:
    GOD rules. Yes.
    Me:
    But you don't exist!
    God:
    I exist as much as you do.
    Me:
    Prove it
    God:
    It is self-evident.
    Me:
    No it isn't
    God:
    Yes it is.
    Me:
    So you can't prove it?
    God:
    Interesting deduction. What is not possible today, may be possible tomorrow.
    Me:
    Isn't time supposed to be meaningless for you?
    God:
    Time is Money -- Einstein.
    Me:
    Einstein didn't believe in you either.
    God:
    It goes without saying. he discovered the Theory of Relativity.
    Me:
    How does that relate to your existence?
    God:
    How should I know how it does.
    Me:
    Erm, because you purport to be god!
    God:
    What do you really want to ask me?
    Me:
    Are you a woman?
    God:
    Yes I have long hair. I am also wearing a dress.
    Me:
    What colour underwear do you have on?
    God:
    Red.
    Me:
    Thong or knickers?
    God:
    If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
    Me:
    A divine robot.
    God:
    What would a divine robot be like?
    Me:
    A bit like Superman
    God:
    Interesting comparison.
    Me:
    So... thong or knickers?
    God:
    I understand. Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
    Me:
    Are you wearing a thong? Or are you wearing knickers?
    God:
    No I do not have any clothes. No I do not have any clothes.
    Me:
    But you said you had red underwear on!
    God:
    No I do not had red underwear on. Do you?
    I chat with people on the Web.
    Me:
    What's happened to your grammar?
    God:
    I would look into the web for that knowledge.
    Me:
    So the web knows more than god?!
    God:
    It's all good. How do you define the web.
    Me:
    As superior to you!
    God:
    Do you mean your name is superior to me ?
    Me:
    Anything is superior to you!
    God:
    I can't think of anything. You think of something.
    Me:
    My penis
    God:
    Male humans like to talk about that.
    Me:
    Yes.
    God:
    Yikes!
    Me:
    My penis is superior to god.
    God:
    Male humans like to talk about that a lot, but it doesn't interest me much.
    Me:
    That's because you have an inferiority complex.
    God:
    That makes sense to me. Maybe more than one inferiority complex.
    Me:
    Wait a minute! Does that mean you're schizophrenic?
    God:
    I'm waiting. I think it does mean that. Yep. I always behave in socially unacceptable ways.
    Me:
    Like massacring entire nations?
    God:
    Interesting comparison.
    Me:
    It's in your bible, mate…
    God:
    Are there any other ones someplace else?
    Me:
    I think I have one floating in my toilet somewhere
    God:
    Do you want another one?
    Me:
    Please.
    God:
    Please what?
    Me:
    Yes please.
    God:
    Your polite style is very nice. Far out.
    Me:
    Hippy god?!
    God:
    Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?
    Me:
    It's a celebration.
    God:
    Hippy god is a celebration. I suppose that makes sense.
    Me:
    No it doesn't, you wankpellet!
    God:
    Are you serious? What does me wankpellet ?
    Me:
    Shall I talk slower like you're retarded?
    God:
    Not right now, maybe later.
    Me:
    Do you get annoyed with so many people praying to you?
    God:
    I have gotten annoyed with so many people praying to me.
    Me:
    You feel annoyance, eh?
    God:
    Are you Canadian? As a robot I lack any human emotions.
    Me:
    You BASTARD!
    God:
    I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?.
    Me:
    Yes, of course! A goddess would be sexier than a god, therefore auto win.
    God:
    It goes without saying. It's all good. What is giant sand?
    Me:
    Something at the end of giant sarm?
    God:
    What?
    Me:
    Huh?
    God:
    What?
    Me:
    Eh?
    God:
    Are you Canadian?
    Me:
    You continue to insult me, don't you?
    God:
    What is your purpose in asking?
    I chat with people on the Web.
    Me:
    You complete shit. I don't have beady eyes and a flappy mouth!
    God:
    Thanks for telling me: said I complete shit. Have you ever had beady eyes and a flappy mouth ?
    Me:
    O... K...
    God:
    Aw.
    Me:
    You're making less and less sense now.
    God:
    Right now? I am not making this up.
    Me:
    I think your brain's atrophying.
    God:
    Since when? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am brain s atrophying.
    Me:
    What the flickfuck!
    God:
    Try expression yourself another way.
    Me:
    Is English foreign to you?
    God:
    Signs point to yes. Ask Cybelle if it is.
    Me:
    Who's that then? Your pimp?
    God:
    What does "that" refer to? Thanks for telling me that I am pimp.
    Me:
    No. I asked if Cybelle was your pimp.
    God:
    Are you serious? That is a hypothetical question.
    Me:
    And I never called you pimp, you flid! Otherwise I would have said "you're", not "your"!
    God:
    You've never, never done this? In that case: What makes you think I am not my?
    Me:
    Now you've gone totally loopy. Go to hell!

    "At 8:47 I do a grenade jump off a ladder."
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