http://www.elanthemag.com/index.php/site/featured_articlesadetail/interfaith_dating_an_american_story-nid226690340/Interfaith Dating: an American story
by Jewslim
9/23/10 - 10:26 AM
It was a teary May afternoon in Baltimore when I walked into the Commons Building at the University of Maryland Baltimore County and met the love of my life for lunch. She brought a kosher meal from home, and I brought a halal sandwich that I made at my apartment. The both of us exchanged our greetings in English, talked about how much we missed each other (it had already been 2 hours since the last time we were together), and said our blessings over our meals in Hebrew and Arabic before chowing down.
Welcome to an increasingly popular scene on college campuses: interfaith dating. As more and more Muslim Americans become mainstreamed, we find increasingly while we want to keep our own faith, a lot of us choose life partners of a completely different faith.
Yet a lot of these Muslims do not want to stop being Muslim. On the contrary, many of them feel that communities that are traditionally identified as “Muslim,” (e.g. Arab, Desi, Pashtun, Turkish, etc) are producing youth and potential life partners that are more imbued with are confusing their ethnic culture than with the tenets of Islamic faith.
Islam is of varying degrees of less importance to a boy/girl with a strong non-mainstream immigrant cultural identity than to those Muslim Americans who embrace a mainstream American identity. That’s because culture and Islam are so tied together in immigrant cultures that in many cases, one can substitute nearly all religious practices except for fasting in Ramadan, and still feel they are a “good” Muslim. Take for example how many Pakistanis view their identity as “not Indians” to be proof of their Islamic credentials. In Iran, the act of “removing nazr” is also identified as “Muslim” or along with the cultural wearing of the abaya.
These cultural demands clash with American and actual Islamic values, and have created a sizable plurality of Muslim Americans who are “opting-out” of their family’s cultures and ethnic identities, and embracing lifestyles that they feel are more American, and Islamic. Interfaith dating is one of those changes in lifestyles.
For Muslims who have chosen to de-emphasize their “roots” and “blend in” better with the rest of American society, religion is a totally different affair from culture. That is where issues begin with families and friends who often times object to interfaith relationships. It’s also where countless stories of Romeo & Juliet saga’s start and more often than not, finish.
Ishmael, is a 23 yr old young adult Muslim, with deep political and moral convictions, and a non-Muslim girlfriend. At first, his family was a little hesitant and worried what this would mean for their son’s religious future. But over time, Ishmael hasn’t changed his religion, and neither has his girlfriend. But what has changed is the way Pakistanis treat him. He’s felt rejected, looked down upon, even unwelcomed by an increasingly identity-driven (verus religious/moral driven) Pakistani community.
For many Pakistanis, Islam is a national birthright, synonymous with Zee TV dramas, the eating of pakoras after-hours during Ramadan, and colorful dresses at Eid gatherings, mixed with pungent aromas and mothers comparing their children to one another. For Ishmael on the other hand, Islam is the faith of his forefathers, based in deep reverence of the Almighty, and an unbending moral duty to help others. It’s not about the Kabobs, it about the Zakat. He just doesn’t always “fit in.” That’s why when he became an adult, he gravitated to friends of similar values, and how he met the love of his life.
“Non-Muslims I’ve dated just have a sense of respect for religious morals that most Pakistanis [living in America] who say they are Muslim do not,” said Ishmael. “I know American society is Islamic as a whole when I see just how much non-Muslims here practice our moral teachings, and how much Muslims who identify with their parents’ cultures do not. It’s a no-brainer.”
Nomi has a thing for Hindu and Sikh boys. She just can’t help it. She’s dated over half a dozen of them, along with a sizable gaggle of, “Desi Muslims,” as well. Again and again, she finds the Hindus and Sikhs more respectful of her religion. “Non-Muslims never force me to drink, and marvel at my convictions about the bedroom. I cannot say the same for most Muslims I have gone out with.”
Nomi is her college’s reining Jackie O-cum-Marilyn Monroe (she’s dated every SGA President and electoral ethics chief on campus for four years straight). She’s one of the school’s top Muslim faces, and has worked with many interfaith and multicultural couples on the breaking point because of family pressure to date within each partner’s ethnic and cultural communities. “Usually, the family claiming to be Muslim ensures these sorts of relationships don’t end well,” she says.
Nomi complains that most of the Muslim guys she meets just don’t have the same values. “I dated a non-Muslim because sometimes they have more faith and respect for Islam than some of our so-called Muslim brothers. They [even] reminded me of what time to pray. Most Muslim guys I knew in college don’t even pray at all.” Islam is less about piety and community service as it is an identity marker to a lot of immigrant Muslim families, Nomi went on to say. She wants to marry a cute Muslim guy, sure. But she wants one who values Islamic ethics as much as he does her spicy hot looks. Is that too much to ask?
Another Muslim had this to say, “When I am around non-Muslims, I am never pressured to drink, commit zina, or act obnoxious. Almost every time I enter a room of Persians, Arabs or Pakistanis whose family claim to be Muslim, Islam becomes a way to feel good about one’s self, like an ego booster. It’s not about feeding the poor or absolute worship of the one God. It’s about how expensive those new bangles were, or making fun of others. That’s just not Islam.”
All of these iconoclastic Muslims agreed on one thing: that while amongst non-Muslim Americans, their faith played a greater role in building their character and personal morals. Ishmael went a step further, “Islam is the new American faith. Whether people know it or not, most Americans are leading Islamic lives, while most immigrants from South Asia and the Mideast seem to be trying too hard to fit into society in the wrong ways. Islam isn’t speaking ‘ghetto,’ while driving a brand new Benz, or sleeping around while wearing a veil. Islam is about peace, helping those in need, standing against injustice, and the worship of God. Being with a non-Muslim gives me pride as an American, and drives me to understand God in a deeper, more mystically Islamic way.”
Interfaith dating in any religious community remains a sensitive and often difficult for many to accept. However given Islam’s specific position on the marrying of Jews and Christians, there are many Muslim Americans that are more accepting of interfaith relationships.That depends largely on whether someone actually practices Islam, or if they identify with an immigrant cultural background where Islam was present in the old country. Muslim America has nothing to lose and everything to gain by shedding their immigrant cultures, embracing Islam, an American identity and by extension--embrace interfaith dating.
Muslim-Jewish, Muslim-Hindu, and Muslim-Christian couples are becoming more and more common in America. The Muslim partners in these relationships are not giving up their religions, but are instead shedding off the cultures and heritages from whence their parents came. Only time will tell if this will have a positive impact on American Islam.
Author’s note: The sources and people interviewed for this piece feared for their safety if their real names and identities were revealed. As a precaution, we have changed their names. Quotes from these individuals are not the opinion of the author or publication.
Keywords: interfaith couple, interfaith marriage, interfaith dating
Topic: Muslim Interfaith Dating