Hello from Belgium !

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- mufa9a
- Ex-Muslim
- Bookworm is the new sexy
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Re: Hello from Belgium !
Reply #30 - April 21, 2011, 12:10 AM

Welcome Cat Lady

A few other personal questions your way ..
What backwards thinking did your husband entertain in regards of women? and was that the main reason you got divorced?

"Tomorrow is the today you were worried about yesterday" Unknown
- Alex Lam Meem
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Re: Hello from Belgium !
Reply #31 - April 21, 2011, 03:01 AM

Welcome, Catlady! I hope your RSI gets better soon.

"That it is indeed the speech of an illustrious messenger" (The Koran 69:40)
- Catlady1971
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Re: Hello from Belgium !
Reply #32 - April 21, 2011, 08:27 AM

Thanks Alex ! It's very frustrating to be able to type only short texts in a single session !

Backward thinking stuff from my husband was not really obvious at first. It was very, VERY insiduous. For example he would let me apply for a job, and when I didn't get it, he would say "I knew a woman would never be hired there". He never insisted on me wearing hijab, but when hijabi's passed us by, he would say "those are REAL muslim women". He would never say that I couldn't speak up in company, but when we got home he would say "my uncle told me that you spoke too loud".
Well, you get the picture I suppose - it was mentally destabilizing, humiliating and almost impossible to fight against.
ETA : And then there was the obvious thing that he considered helping in the household unheard of, even though I worked full time and he didn't work at all.

The main reason I got divorced was in fact, the constant gaslighting - he made me go mentally crazy and undermined my self-esteem to the core. It took many, many years and a lot of therapy before I got it back, even though I had only been married for 3 years :(.

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. ? Seneca the Younger (4 B.C. ? 65 A.D)
- mufa9a
- Ex-Muslim
- Bookworm is the new sexy
- offline
Re: Hello from Belgium !
Reply #33 - April 21, 2011, 02:46 PM

hmm, wow. Thanks for sharing

I can understand why it influenced you this way.It's a manipulative approach. He could have opted to marry a "real muslim" if he found their devoutness very inspiring, if you ask me, he had a bit of contradiction to deal with himself.

No helping around the house man, or bum?

"Tomorrow is the today you were worried about yesterday" Unknown
- Alex Lam Meem
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Re: Hello from Belgium !
Reply #34 - April 22, 2011, 04:35 AM

@Catlady,

Makes my first failed marriage sound pretty decent... Love's complicated...

"That it is indeed the speech of an illustrious messenger" (The Koran 69:40)
- Catlady1971
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Re: Hello from Belgium !
Reply #35 - April 22, 2011, 09:19 AM

@ mufa9a : well considering that I was born into a western family I never could bring myself to shut up, and so that's exactly what I always replied : "you should have married someone from at home" Except... these girls didn't have the Belgian nationality of course, it would have done him no good in his plans to stay in Belgium !

After my divorce I studied a lot of psychology, and learned a lot about verbal abuse and manipulation, and about why it is so difficult to escape from it. Of course this kind of manipulation is not reserved to Arab or muslim men !!! But I used to have a friend who was married to a Lebanese (christian) guy and he did about the same things to her too. She was married for 10 years...

Yes love is a complicated thing !

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. ? Seneca the Younger (4 B.C. ? 65 A.D)
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