Hello - just an intro into the rambles of my brain :)
OP - July 27, 2012, 02:38 PM
The birth of my daughter was the single most amazing moment I have experienced in my 29 years on planet earth. Prior to her birth I agonised and searched deep within my soul to try and answer one question – how could I, in my flawed being, bring this amazing gift up to be a good Muslim and be full of faith yet achieve all she ever could want to in her life. This anguish had me restless and sleepless and consumed my every waking moment. I tried to find examples of such women, beacons if you like, women who had embraced their faith, who lived by it, alongside achieving great things on earth. I found a few. At first this gave me comfort but then I began to think that these women were exceptions, and suddenly it dawned on me that Islam, being a Muslim, would only limit my daughter. This was possibly the first ever time I viewed the religion in a negative light. The moment was more profound then I can put into words. I would not be able to explain the specifics that lead me to this thought, there weren’t any really. I think deep down somewhere I always knew this was an unfair and unjust religion – feelings buried by 29 years of conditioning.
As I thought of my daughter being born into this world I started to feel anger towards ‘my’ religion but then immediately after this turned into fear. Had the devil induced these thoughts? What am I doing? My daughter will be born with evil inside of her. Yes 29 years of conditioning can lead you to these thoughts and I immediately made a vow I would strive to be a better Muslim and teach her the ways of Islam. I planned how I was going to recite the call to prayer into her fresh ears the moment she was born and this is what I did. The moment I laid eyes on this wrinkly little being that the midwives were prepping to hand to my wife I knew this was a different kind of love than any I had ever experienced. I took her and whispered the call to prayer as a good Muslim should. As the weeks and months rolled by the pressures of newfound parenthood eased the anguish of the battle that had raged in me for so long, that of ‘my’ religion versus what I knew and felt. I was enjoying every single sleep deprived hour of being a dad and now I realise that this coupled with the relived anguish I started to believe in binging my daughter up as a Muslim and even now she is nearly a year old she only eats Halal – probably the only Islamic thing a baby can ‘practice’. However in these months that had passed the growing anguish returned and led me to many sleepless nights when suddenly I realised how absurd religion was. I suddenly stopped fearing and started embracing this new found clarity.
I now consider myself an ex-muslim. The only person I have told is my wife, I tried explaining to her why I felt like this but I don’t think she understands, maybe because I was too preachy about denouncing my religion or because she thinks it is just a phase. The funny thing is she is as un-islamic as you can get, she does not pray, does not eat halal, only thing she does is each year practice fasting (but without prayer)! She does however believe in a God. She was also a catalyst but I have not told her this in case she feels bad. Let me explain how, whenever I would tell her that we can or can’t do something because it was un-islamic she would bring up things like why do you listen to music. Or she would ask me why we cannot have photos up in our house. I defended all this but then one day realised I was regurgitating rubbish fed to me and I was like a robot in my responses. I did not believe in a God or in Religion but yet believe something bad would happen if I stuck up photos on the wall.
As I thought more and more I just could not partake in this false human created lie called Religion any further. Islam told me that it was wrong to fall in love, that it was wrong to listen to music, that it was wrong to stick a photo up on the wall or even take a photo for that matter, it told me my loved ones would go to Hell for wearing clothes of their choosing, that there was a God so mean he could torture his own creations who were flawed and could never live up to his lofty expectations. I felt better in myself but now the battle is how to live a dual life – as I could never tell my family they will never understand and how do I bring up my daughter while keeping the love and respect of my family.
Despite everything I have said so far I do love the cultural side of the religion, the Quran is beautiful to listen to, Islamic art the architecture of the mosques and the sense of belonging and community it brings.
Finally the thing that makes me so sad is that people do not make the most of their limited time on earth because they hope and live for eternal paradise without realising that the earth is our own piece of paradise in this Univerese.
P.S I am so glad to have found this Forum.
Topic: Hello - just an intro into the rambles of my brain :)