Quod's Christmas Adventure

How Quod Saved Christmas

(Quite drunk while posting this so please forgive the quality.)

‘Twas the Night before Christmas and the elves did dash,
Making presents for boys and girls in a flash.
There were toys of all shapes and sizes galore,
All wrapped in parcels, which stacked from top to floor.
Santa prepared, all decisions he had to weigh,
For not long now it was Christmas day.
But, alas, there was a problem that caused them to fret,
This year’s Christmas they would not soon forget.
Because something was taken that caused them dismay,
When Santa discovered someone had tanken his sleigh.
"Oh no," he exclaimed, "What shall we do? Without my sleigh Christmas is through!"
The elves did gasp at the horrible notion,
Picturing all the sad boys and girls to who thy had such devotion.
But unknown to all, their big problem, you see
Would be answered be wise ones, the powers that be.
They searched through lands both far and wide,
To see where their champion at this point did reside.
Their movements were swift in all directions avail,
Until, at last, they found one in the English county of Nottinghamshire.
Using magics of old and energies of light,
To the North Pole was transported this creature of the night.
Their confidence restored the elves shouted 'Horary!'
The powers had sent a Quod Sum Eris to save the day.
In his clothes black as night lay the man from beyond,
The new location did startle the incredibly sexy CEMB hero.
"What the hell?" Quod did say,
Very curious why his house and whiskey had faded away.

Santa rushed forward, through the elves you see,
And did shake Quod’s hand with relief and much glee.
"Thank you good sir we're in a terrible bind. To offer your services you have been very kind. My sleigh is missing and time is running out. Please help us Quod!" old Santa did shout
Quod gazed at the jolly old fat man,
This unusual situation didn't suit him as a plan.
"Alright! Who the hell are you and where the bloody hell am I?"
"Why you're at the north pole," I said jolly Saint Nick, "to help with our problem, yes you'll do the trick."
"Right...sorry mate. Don't work with crazy people no more. Now if you'll just pop me back home...."
"Oh please Mr. Eris our problems are high, why won't you help us, oh why, oh why?"
To the plea of the elves Quod did not sway,
He was having the most peculiar day.
"Is there any reason you lot are speaking in rhyme? I recommend stopping if you like your heads where they are."
The crowd did step back from the violent response,
Quod shook his head and thought,
"Who the hell is the ponce?"
"I tell you I'm Santa, now be on your way! I can't do my work if I am without my sleigh!"
Quod’s patience wares thin, some reasoning he attempts,
For his sake, the rhyming, he's glad he's exempt.
"So let me see if I got this right. You're Santa and this is the North Pole."
Jolly Saint Nick his head he did nod,
Quod resisted all urges to punch the weird sod.
"Oh this is bloody brilliant, good one Quod, you got yourself stuck in some fucking Christmas special!"
"So you'll help with our quest," said old Father Christmas, " 'twould be sad if the day came and missed us."
Quod thought long and hard 'bout the quest Santa conveyed.
"Now if I do this for you I get to leave loony town and go back home right?"
Now Santa did smile, this plan's not to cruddy,
Since a deal had been reached with Quod the greatest CEMB poster ever.
"Alright fat man, what do I have to do?"
"The journey is long and your life you may yield once you face the dangers of the candy cane field."
“We call them sweets were I’m from.”
"The water's traversed with your life at stake, once you face the creature in the soda pop lake."
“Like fizzy pop?”
"Then onward you travel if you pass the test. Too meet the frog's challenge, please do your best."
“I’m fairly certain I can intellectually outwit a frog."
"Finally on to the castle, there is no time to slump. There you must free my sleigh from the Mighty Grump."
Quod shook his head at what his quest does consist.
"Mate, I am way too sober to deal with this shit."
So quod left with the quest in hand,
Into the adorable world which he could barely stand.
To help out Santa in his time of need.
Not for glory, not for power, not even for greed.
"I can't fucking believe this. Pulled half way round the bleeding world and they make me walk to this castle. I don't understand why the fat boy wouldn’t let me take one of those reindeer he had in that shed of his. Bet if I was stuck in a Hanukkah special they would have at least given me a dreidel to drive."
"Do not fret Mr. Eris," elf Billy chimed in, "We will aid you on your quest for the children's sake."
"You'll need us on your journey," elf sally did cry, "we're very eager, that's why, that's why!"
"You're not going to talk like that the entire trip are you? 'Cause that's what gets little people eaten."
With his elf friends company and all the patience he can muster,
He brushed off his shoes and straightened his coat.
Off to the field made from canes made of candy,
Quod though to himself...
"Christ, a bourbon would be handy."
The journey was long and the field very wide,
Made of giant curved candy where bad things could hide.
Both Billy and Sally hugged for support,
They hoped their small lives wouldn’t end up short.
Just then a sound, some rustling heard,
It could be a cat or maybe a bird.
But our hero Quod is not easily fooled,
Using his keen senses he expertly moved.
Quod discovered the source as quick as you can,
A creature of badness: the evil snowman.
"Har, Har!" laughed the snowman, who straightened his hat, "you fell for my trap well how 'bout that."
"You have got to be bloody kidding me! An evil snowman? That's it, I'm going home."
"Wait!" cried Billy, full of dismay, "we need a champion, oh please won't you stay."
Sally went to Billy, running fast as she can,
"What shall we do to defeat the evil snowman?"
"What the hell is wrong with you two? I've seen some of the scariest things you could imagine in my time and none of them would be caught dead using a carrot for a nose. Look, I'll show you."
Quod walked with purpose and pushed off it’s head.
The snowman quivered and then fell down dead.
"See?"
The elves shouted "horary" at the heroic feat,
With Quod as their champion they could not be beat.
Quod squirmed awkwardly as the elves danced around,
"Oi get off me!" he yelled with a sound.
The elves did comply with Quod’s request
They had a long way to go, no time for rest.
"Next time either one of you tries to use me as a dancing pole fat boy's gunna have a worker shortage. You get me?"
Putting his best foot forward, this cute word making him sick,
Brave Quod mumbled...
"Someone definitely has to die. And I won't make it quick."
Our hero forged on through the wind and snow,
He had helped so much already with little to show.
Out of the candy cane field with the snow made of cake,
Our dear Quod thought
"Why is everything made of food for god’s sake?"
Then at last they arrived, like a dinosaur raptor,
To face the new peril contained in this chapter.
To the water, mud brown, the elves' did advance,
To get to the sleigh they must cross the lake of soda pop.
"Let's hurry Mr. Eris," Billy yelled for the children’s sake. "We must get across quickly before the creature shall wake."
"Is this going to be like the last 'terror' I fought?"
"No this is much worse then that frightful snowman, if we had any choice I'd say run as fast as you can. But with time running out we now must make haste. Quick lets bolt for the boat, no time to waste."
Quod pondered the plan, though said with reversion,
He couldn't continue without making one observation.
"This lake is about three feet across. Why don't we just walk around it?"
"No it has to be crossed," elf Sally said back, "to the other side we must travel for time we do lack."
"Bloody elves! Always have to do things the hard way. Right where's this sodding boat?"
To the edge of the lake the elves did flock,
Quod saw their craft, which did leave him in shock.
"What? That's it? That's our boat?"
"Hurry Mr. Eris!" I cried Billy while getting in, "we must travel in this or else we must swim!"
"The bloody thing's made of marzipan! How's it supposed to hold my weight?"
"No time for questions we have to push off!" said elf Billy while Quod scoffed.
The small boat sailed across the lake made of pop,
When all of a sudden came an almighty plop.
A creature of evil swam for the craft,
It circled our hero going from fore to aft.
The elves hugged in horror at the terrible scene,
They pled too their hero that their numbers don't wean.
Suddenly the creature launched itself through the air.
It landed in the boat, which caused Quod to stare.
"What the hell? This bleeding shark is two inches in size. And made of chocolate!"
He picked up the shark, with his temper a fume,
In one single motion, the shark, he consumed.
"Horary, Horary," Elf Billy did shout,
Quod glared and then punched his lights out.
Sally watched this response, her small head she shook,
This violent outburst earned Quod a cross look.
"What? He annoyed me."
With the lake now accomplished our hero angrily paced, to the challenge, upcoming, which soon must be faced.
The amphibian guardian of this part of the land,
Whose questions must be answered, upfront you understand.
In time, to the frog, our dear Quod arrived,
Though it’s purpose, to him, he felt it contrived.
The frog stood proudly upon his lily pad,
He puffed up his throat ready to challenge our lad.
"So another has come to me..."
"Sorry Kermit, no time. Godda go to the castle and save a sleigh so I can get the fuck out of this bleeding Christmas special."
"What? Hey! Come back here! You can't do that!"
Thus the challenge was won at alarming speed,
I suppose this frog character I really didn't need.
Now on to the castle for the very last test,
For the mighty grump, Quod had to best.
Our hero ventured to walls made of soil and bone,
Outside, Santa's sleigh waited all alone.
"Hooray! Hooray!" the elves cheered loud and fair,
They were silenced quite promptly by Quod’s fiery stare.
"Now this makes absolutely no sense. This gimp, or whatever the fuck he's called, goes to the effort of taking the fat man;s sleigh, then just leaves it unguarded for anyone to take? Who the hell runs this place?"
"Who dares disturb my restful slump?" Bellowed the menacing voice of the Mighty Grump.
Our hero turned to meet a horrible sight,
As the great Mighty Grump rose to his full, eight feet, height.
In one hand he held the trunk of a tree.
Which he bounced in the other quite menacingly.
His skin was bright orange and covered in blight,
Quod’s two eleven companions did run in fright.
“Cowards!”
But our hero stood strong against his towering foe,
He knew this weird creature he would make suffer much woe.
"Okay ugly. Give me the sleigh you nicked and I won't have to hurt you."
"You dare change me?!" bellowed the Great Grump with a beat, "It will take more then one man to achieve my defeat!"
Then the grump barrelled forward with a scream and a shout,
Quod grinned at the Grump which freaked him out.
The grump skidded to a halt at the turn of events,
Quod was a badass, his comments he laments.
Our hero rolled his eyes at the pathetic sight,
He balled up his fist in readiness for the fight.
"My god you're pathetic, you're really quite sad, if you think you can match up to…oh bloody hell now you got me doing it."
The grump dashed forward and swung his club,
Quod jumped clear away from the attacking shrub.
Jumping up off the ground, Quod brushed off his clothes,
He retaliated strong with a series of body blows.
The grump did reply with his trunk made of pine,
By bringing it down on our hero's spine.
Quod stumbled in directions both back and forth,
Not willing to lose on this pole of the north.
He advanced once again with a confident strut
And landed a kick in the creature’s bare gut.
The grump doubled over, now paying the price,
Quod punched his face, not once, twice, but thrice.
The creature tripped him up with his flailing limb,
And pressed to the ground, right now things looked quite grim.
But our hero did struggle 'gainst the mighty brute's thrust,
Doing his very best effort not to end up done.
While the creature pounded, a weakness Quod spotted,
He kicked the Grump’s balls, the usual cheap shot.
The grump toppled over in extreme blind pain,
Quod got to his feet, the advantage he had gained.
He clasped the creature on its bulbous head,
And with a snap of it's neck, the grump fell down, dead.
The grump was defeated, of this Quod was clear,
He looked to his elven friends and asked
"What? No cheer?"
Quod walked back to the factory, Billy and Sally in tow,
Quod dragged Santa's sleigh all the way through the Snow.
All the elves did cheer as our hero arrived,
Santa shaking his hand, very glad he survived.
"Oh thank you dear Quod!" he said, clear of dismay. "Now, with my sleigh back, there will be Christmas day!"
"Yeah that's all bloody well and good by what do I get out of all of this?"
"Your reward is simple, my dear boy, the spirit of giving to every girl and every boy!"
"Sorry fat man but that's not going to work for me. I want money, English currency, in my hand now!"
"Oh come now, friend Quod, please don't make a fuss. Your reward is helping spread the joy of Christmas!"
"Now listen here. You made me walk to the bastard castle and pick up this bloody sleigh, that thing isn’t light you know! Not only that, you had Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb rhyming in my bloody ear every five minutes, I think I’m entitle to some compensation."
Santa considered Quod’s request and did him a favour at our hero's behest.
With a touch of his nose, and a nod of his head,
Quod vanished from sight, and returned to his bed.
He woke with a start and looked around,
Wondering if it had all been an egoistical dream...
No answer he found.
Quod shook his head, feeling a little deranged,
When down near his bed he noticed something strange.
It was a box, wrapped in ribbon, full of joy and the like,
It was a present addressed “From Santa to Quod”.
He opened it quick and was feeling much glee,
For inside, the contents, he wanted to see.
The box contained, a gesture to dwell,
Tied off with a ribbon, a simple slay bell.
"Oh you cheap bastard!"
And so this was how the day was saved,
By a red haired CEMB member, who felt a little depraved.
The moral is simple, for every young lass and squire.
If you need to save Christmas day, best not expect candour.

Merry Christmas.

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Topic: Quod's Christmas Adventure

Quod Sum Eris

OP - December 28, 2014, 02:22 AM

lua

Reply #1 - December 28, 2014, 04:10 AM

asbie

Reply #2 - December 28, 2014, 04:39 AM

Jedi

Reply #3 - December 28, 2014, 12:23 PM

laico

Reply #4 - December 28, 2014, 01:20 PM

Quod Sum Eris

Reply #5 - December 28, 2014, 02:45 PM

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