^^ Thanks to all of those who replied when I was down that time. I did read all the messages but I couldn't face talking about that again so I avoided this thread. But I appreciated the replies more than my silence showed.
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So I actually spoke to my ex husband yesterday. verbally, on the phone.
It wasn't by choice really. I didn't recognise the number and when I answered it was him, and I froze. He asked to speak to the kids and when I said they weren't here (sons were playing football outside with uncle dad and my little girl isn't feeling too great, he started crying and begging me not to hang up.
I regret to say, I did not hang up
I haven't verbally spoken to this man since we faced each other in court. Just text messages of threats or stuff related to the kids, but I have successfully not had to interact with him for years now.
I wish I had hung up. I don't know why I let his tears make me feel bad for him.
Not bad as in forgiveness, but pity. I felt such a wash of pity for him that it makes me sick to my stomach to think of it now.
He is in prison now. He won't be out til sometime next year.
I even told him "its ok, I know you never meant to end up this way"
I hate him, really I do.
But he was my husband and the first and only man I have ever really loved, all other feelings pale in comparison to what I felt for him once, and I think maybe some small part of me still feels those feelings.
I never left him because I stopped feeling. But my love became loaded with hate, and I needed to be safe from abuse. He was crazy most of the time, but I felt for him once.
Can't hate someone so intensely unless you felt something for them once.
I don't miss him. I don't miss being abused.
But as pathetic as it is, in many ways I felt he loved me. He never abandoned me. Like he could beat me, he could treat me like dirt, but my biggest fears are not abuse. They are being abandoned and rejected. So even in that twisted way I felt loved somewhat.
^^ are these the hallmark classic feelings of attachment the abused feel for their abusers? or did I really feel loved by being abused?
But his voice, his tears, his defeat, all made me feel so sad for him. For me, for my kids, for what it could have been and what it really was.
He has begged me not to tell the kids that he is in prison, I haven't yet. Not for his sake, but for theirs, but am I wrong? is honesty what needs to happen? I don't know what is best.
I could paint a picture of him to the kids that is false, portray him as this hard working honourable man that he likes to fantasise he can be, but I just hate to do that, so I have said nothing so far.
Right now they think I am the baddy who won;t allow access as I think of what to do, whether to tell them their father is in prison now.
I make myself sick. I should have put the phone down as soon as I hear his voice. I just froze, and then felt pity for him. I hate myself for that.
I felt so depressed after that.
I should feel victorious. He is in prison and i begin uni in 8 days, but victory feels so hollow right now. I can't really take joy in any of this, not truthfully. I do take joy in my movements forward in life, but I feel sad for him that when our dysfunctional marriage finally ended, he didn't sort shit out for himself too.
Don't worry, this isn't like wallowing pity for him or the start of communication, its just a deep sense of sadness for the whole situation.
Topic: From the mouth of madness - My blog