Re: World Atheist Convention 2012
Reply #90 - September 05, 2011, 11:26 PM
You know, I've been reflecting on these things. In truth I don't know much about all this stuff. At times I make a comment only to later realise I was/am wrong. I think in this circular way when I'm not convinced of any particular argument/view/etc. I don't know what I think in general, all I know is sometimes it's fun to moan.
Am I smug, shallow, narcisstic, etc?
I think that's unfair. Do I sometimes waver between self love and self loathing? This is more correct
I was giving this real thought. What DO I feel about money. Truthfully I never cared before, and I never worked to getting any/lots. I was happy with less. However, life showed me how wrong I was. Living in a muslim/indian community, all they value (not every muslim/indian- talking about my community) is wealth and showing it off, to the extent of hiring fancy cars to pretend to be 'better'- this world is one where money and level (education, what job you have) determines your worth. Failing that, clinging to religion, donning the nikaab etc is a mark of superiority.
In my life in light of this I felt pissed off at these assholes who assert this. I felt so angry that I was determined to 'make it', to 'prove my worth' to show people I'm something too. This is not about me thinking others are low for not having money, but about the projection of this onto me from others. I feel like saying 'see, I'm something too now' little realising that by saying this I'm implying the same bollocks them assholes preach, that wealth etc determines a persons worth. I fluctuate between what is right and good, I don't know.
Many times I feel I really am childishly ignorant. I can be smart, yes, but like a child in many ways.
In a way I am smug, then I regret it when I realise that it makes me an asshole. I'm not being smug to general people but to those who made me feel worthless. Smug by saying 'look at me now' like the ugly girl in high school growing up into a babe, desperate to go to the bullies and say 'haha look at me now'- it's what you say you'll say when you're struggling, when I succeed I'll show you! But then you do it and you just feel stupid. You realise that you sound like them.
Sometimes I am smug, shallow, narcisstic. I sometimes feel I'm the best, better than every single person. Then I feel low, worthless, the worst person to have ever existed. I think there's a clinical term for this- is it manic? bipolar? Or just plain crazy?
Is it just me like this? Or do other people feel this way too? I read/listen to others and they're so straight, consistent. I'm all over the place. One day I'll say black and fight that it's black, then the next I'll be convinced it's white, only to return the next day and see shades of gray. And round and round it goes.
If you have me figured out then great, PLEASE write a report for me and message it to me cos I don't know who I am. I feel like I don't know anything. I'm on the fence about so many things, fighting one side only to realise it's wrong, fighting the other only to realise that's wrong too. Maybe the problem is every idea is right AND wrong, or like I said, maybe I'm just crazy
If you read this thanks, sorry it's so long!
Topic: World Atheist Convention 2012