I don't know why. Maybe it's to do with the melancholy weather or the sudden dawn that life is passing me by, but I've been in a very reflective mood.
Despite the fact that I've left Islam, I still find myself having to come to terms with the loss of faith and God. I always ask myself how did it all start? From where did it all begin? What was the genesis of my kufr?
And it all started with doubt.I looked up the religion and asked myself, if Allah truly asks us to doubt and if we disbelieve in him, sincerely disbelieve in Him, then what sense is there in punishing us? If my doubting is sincere, and it truly is, (there is no more a question that I have genuinely agonised over than Allah's existence), then why should I endure His Wrath? He made it that way. Qudrat si.
I tried to put these feelings into words that expressed both my disappointment and liberation with the notion outlined above. I couldn't write an essay, as I'm not much of a writer. The only outlet I could find is this. A simple question to the Almighty, if He is listening at all:
DoubtYou created a mind,
A doubters mind,
To doubt,
And doubt his doubting,
When doubts are found,
Undoubtedly sound,
Why curse the doubter,
For doubt and doubting?The above just encapsulates all that I feel about Allah and Islam.
I don't care for anyone saying that I need to read the Qur'an, or reinterpret a hadith or seek a scholars advice on a particular Qur'anic ayat. I doubt, and this doubting is enough for me to not believe.
Even if my doubting is born out of ignorance, it is a sincere doubt nevertheless. Not the doubt out of spite, or stubbornness or the other afflictions of the Ego. But it is a genuine doubt that needs no more justification than those that say 'you have to have faith'.
I doubt, and in this I have the single Greatest Emancipator of Human Suffering.
