my goodness gracious . . zephyrus is so young and writes so well i must read her all posts.. 5 posts., 1st and 5th posts are riveting to read., well let me read both together...put them in proper format without details..
Hello, my name is zephyrus, I am 19 years old and live in Britain.
I'm going to begin my second year of university this Autumn and I am a closet ex-Muslim.
I've visited this site intermittently for a few years now, ....
.........introduce myself, simply because I've never been at such a low point in my life and often feel so hopeless about the future. .....
zephyrus...... girl you are one heck of a lucky person., how many 19 year old girls are in their second year of university around the globe?? use the time properly you will have a wonderful future, So dear zephyrus.,
What do you want to be when you are ..let us say at 24.., 5 years from now??My Islamic background is definitely not as horrifying/severe as some of the things I've seen posted on here. I was born into I guess what you would call a moderate Muslim family: for instance, my mum doesn't wear a hijab (and neither do I) and my parents are lax about eating halal meat (but never any pork). We do however practise Ramadan, pray 5 times a day, alcohol is forbidden, no clubbing, no boyfriends, no girlfriends, no hugging/kissing a man/woman before marriage, no tight/revealing clothes etc.
well wonderful family...
what is a big deal of living with bit of Islam zephyrus ?
Are you an atheist at 19?
Are you absolutely certain that there is NO supreme authority that started this universe and that controls this universe ?
I went to an Islamic school until I was around 15 and was forced to pray, memorise surahs from the Quran etc. Whilst I was in the Islamic school I used to go along with it all until I was probably 13, and I remember one day finding out that you didn't have to pray if you had your period, so I lied to the teachers that I had my period so I didn't have to pray. I think at the time it was more out of sheer laziness more than anything, but I remember I lied several times after that, and as time went on unprecedented thoughts starting crowding my preteen mind: why do us girls always have to stand behind the boys when we pray? (It seemed odd to me that a 40 year old woman for example would stand behind a 9 year old boy. I heard a rumour that it was so that the males don't get distracted by a female standing in front of them. All I could think was how there were plenty of cute boys who definitely distracted me during salah) Why can't a girl lead the prayer? If salah is one of the most important things a Muslim can do, why would Allah inflict girls with periods, which can last up to a week, and therefore pray less? And why are periods considered to make you 'dirty'? Why do girls have to cover up during prayer, but boys don't? How does praying 5 times a day make you a better person? Why is wudu such an unnecessarily complicated and frankly stupid way to clean yourself?
Even though these thoughts flitted through my mind, I definitely hadn't at that point starting fully questioning Islam, I just knew I was uncomfortable with it.
who cares about all that preacher's shit .. Forget all that nonsense ..... preachers mosques.. nut cases.. .. etc..etc., Why worry about them at 19., when you have so much to learn?? What do you do in college ? I mean what course are you taking?
For example, when my dad would call me to pray, I remember deeply resenting it, especially the fact I would have to cover up. I also hated how you couldn't wear nail varnish as apparently it meant your wudu was invalid. I remember going over to a Muslim friend's house and we prayed with her brother and I remember feeling uncomfortable with how chill they were about the whole thing. I felt alone. Still, at the same time I remember feeling guilty: prayer was super important, right?
No..No..Nooooooo prayer was./is NOT super important,?
What is important is cooking and eating dinner with family & friends ..... rest is irrelevant for your life .,may be once in while yo can pray with your dad& mom., what is the big deal saying
"hello Allah" .. how are you doing?? ...
It's hard to pinpoint the exact time I actually starting questioning Islam (and eventually identified myself as an apostate). Even though I didn't pray much, I was staunchly against alcohol, sex before marriage and all that good stuff. I still believed in god, heaven and hell. But I know that from probably age 14-17 I seriously questioned some stuff I noticed happening around me: like how my parents were super homophobic (and how as I result I was too for a while) but I remember learning more and more about the LGBT community and even had a friend who was gay and I just couldn't understand how it was wrong; like how my parents never ever talked about sex (I mean, for all they know I still might not know wtf sex even is. My mum didn't even give me consent in year 6 to watch those sex education vids in school) or gave us 'the talk' or whatever - I know this isn't even necessarily to do with Islam, but I notice many muslim parents don't like talking openly with their children about stuff like this, like it's some dirty secret; how there was such a divide between men and women (it's like we're different species. Even when a married couple comes to our house, the women sit on one side of the house and the men on the other. Are our conversations so wildly different we can't even sit in the same room??! I know this again is partly cultural, but it stems Islamic teaching that men and women shouldn't mix freely); how women were hyper-sexualised from a young age (even just earlier today my mum told my 15 year old sister never to wear a certain pair of jeans again because they were too tight); how kaffirs would be punished in the afterlife (I remember asking my brother, who is unfortunately very religious, why isolated tribes in the amazon would deserve to be punished for not 'discovering' Islam) even if they were good people; how the Quran said men could beat their wives; how Muslim men could marry a non-Muslim woman but not vice Verda; how so many girls said the hijab/burqah 'empowered' them and seemed so brainwashed - why should it be the responsibility of a woman to not attract the gaze of a man, so she ends up wearing a piece of cloth around her head even in swealtering heat, even when she's in the comfort of her own home and a man who's not a relative enter the house? Why can't the man just suck it up and stop looking at a woman in sexual terms only? How would men feel if we told them to wear blindfolds around women all the time, and every time they saw a woman, or a woman entered their home they had to wear it? Also isn't the whole you-can-take-off-the-hijab-in-front-of-girls thing basically pointless because I can bet you anything there are some lesbians/bisexuals amongst your female friends? And what about men who fancy other men? It seems to me everyone should wear the hijab! Anyway - you get the point.
Nah...I don't get any thing., so tell me something else.. Like college... what you read.. what you write .. your friends.. your teachers ... your car .. do you have driving silence ?
What eventually pushed me over the edge and led to me identifying as an apostate was the fact that I quickly realised around 18 years old just how limited my life was and would be. By this point I was still somewhat defending my 'decision' (ha) to be a teetotaller, not believing in sex before marriage etc. None of my school friends are Muslim, so you can imagine what happened: the age of clubbing began and my social life basically ended; people stopped inviting me to stuff because they knew I wouldn't be going out; more and more I realised slowly that they were living life and I was not; whilst they went to festivals, I was in my room doing nothing; whilst they stayed up late and had sleepovers, I was getting angry phone calls off my mum and shut down whenever I even mentioned sleeping over someone's house (it's not nice to sleep in a house with a strange man waking around, my mum claims - talking about my best friends' dads); whilst they told drunken stories, gushed about their first kisses, first times, could wear whatever they wanted (shorts, tank tops, sleeveless dresses) without being viewed as a teenage prostitute, could talk about crushes and boyfriends openly with their parents and siblings, I would sit their with a smile plastered on my face still maintaining the image of a good Muslim girl.
Girl you are MUSLIM OR NOT.. you are a good girl? still a good girl.,
what is the difference between good Muslim girl and Good non-Muslim girl??And then uni came and by then I had fully renounced Islam. I drink and I've been clubbing a few times, but funnily enough I've never felt so alone. Only one friend at uni knows (vaguely) about my situation. I'm living a double life and it's crushing me. I'm oscillating between going wild, having sex, getting a secret boyfriend or just forgetting about it all, and accept my destiny to marry a Muslim man and keep faking being Muslim - because I don't want to lose my family. I love them so much and honestly have realised over the years I can't even blame them because we've all be indoctrinated by the same toxic ideology - I'm just one of the lucky few to have seen it for what it really is. I'm not sure if they'd disown me if they knew but there would be extremely bad backlash.
I just needed to vent. Sorry this is so long.
~zephyrus
All that is irrelevant right now dear zephyrus., tell me something else.,and let me read your 5th post.,
zephyrus:............ I never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, never had sex etc. because obviously it's a massive no-no in my family/community. I slip in and out of depressive episodes where I feel like I'll never truly be happy and never marry/have a relationship with someone I truly love because of this whole facade I'm keeping up. I often fantasise about having a secret boyfriend, or marrying someone in the future who is also a closet muslim and we can drink wine and go to festivals and do all non-halal things together lol. Recently because I've been so busy with uni work I haven't thought about it much and when I see couples together it doesn't affect me that much.
well you are a wonderful person., zephyrus you are 19.,you have plenty of time to do all those things .,
So tell me what else you are doing in college.,
But recently it's getting updates from old school friends on social media which really gets to me - it can literally ruin my whole day and start a chain of extremely negative thoughts where I just end up feeling hollow. There's one specific girl who seems to have the perfect life and everything I desire. I know she obviously doesn't and it's me projecting my pessimistic outlook onto her, but I just can't shake it. She posts pictures of herself wearing whatever the hell she wants, goes on amazing holidays with her boyfriend and just seems so free and happy. Like she doesn't have to hide herself one bit, like is isn't constrained by the shackles of religion (I believe her and her family are atheists). I crave so badly to bring a boy back home and to introduce him to my siblings and to go on holidays together and for it not to be seen as this awful thing to do. Regarding the girl, it's not even the clothes and the boyfriend which really get to me, it's the fact she seems to be living and I'm just existing. Worries about the future often worm their way into my mind and I always seem to be waiting for a time when things will get better, when I can live like my true self and be honest with my family, but deep down I'm really not sure things will get better (for example I know I will never ever come out to my family). The worst part is, I know that compared to a lot of people I lead a privileged life and have a lot to be happy about, so it feels so selfish and ungrateful to be thinking these things.
Girl.. Focus...Focus...No comparison., Should I compare you with other girls of your age I see all the time??
many of them didn't had resources to Finnish school .. forget computers/internet and colleges
common zephyrus You will do all those things
when you are financially independent ., So what you are doing in college?
I feel like this about various other people in my life - particularly old school friends, like I said. At least at university I can lead a bit of a double life, but at home it's like I'm figuring out how to breathe underwater and all around me all my friends are breathing above water just fine. It doesn't help that they're drifting away from me because I'm too scared/not allowed to to things they do (like clubbing, house parties, drinking etc). Like I said, I try not to let it get to me, because I know it's futile and I've got to make the best of my situation, but sometimes it just does and I can't help it and I'm back to square one. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or has any advice on how to stop comparing myself with other people, especially since my situation isn't going to change any time soon?
~ zephyrus
No....no .nooooooooooooooooo., They are NOT your friends, I am sorry to say that
but I want to learn more about your parents .. .... your college .. college mates.,..... your siblings .. your travel... what kind of movies you like ..what kind of cars you like
..you travelling to Atheism... your goals and dreams in life ... etc..etc... So much to talk and learn dear zephyrus ....
So get back to me..
with best wishes
yeezevee
Topic: How to stop comparing your life to other people's?