I hate it that it's so hard to talk about my childhood and yet when I do talk about it it's like fuck it, what the fuck does it matter anyway. Sigh.
I hate it that once I do start talking about it all, it feels like I'm never going to fucking stop 'cause there's so fucking much and I want to get it out, I don't want to carry it all any more, I don't want to live with this fucking mess inside any more, I don't want to carry it alone any more, I don't want to fucking hold it in any more, I want to fucking cry, I really want to cry, I want to grieve, I want to let it all go and stop carrying this huge fucking burden.
I hate my insecurities about everything.
I hate it that I hate myself so much.
I hate it that it's almost 2am in the morning and I still can't sleep.
I hate every scar on my body.
I hate it that it's so hard to say what I want to say sometimes, or explain what I mean or think or feel and it all comes out as a garbled mess.
I hate it that there are some things that I haven't talked about to anyone ever regarding my childhood (not even to my psychologist), and when I do all of a sudden, I wish I hadn't said anything 'cause it's so fucking raw.
I hate it that it's taken me this long to start working through childhood shit. It's only this year that I've been able to start working through it all.
I hate it how my head is such a garbled mess and my thoughts and feelings are all messed up and tangled up and fuck all the rest.
I hate the memories.
I hate it how it takes so many years to finally have stuff click into place and go, "That's why... omg, I've been living with this tangled mess inside all these years and never understood why."
I hate repressing so much of myself, my feelings, my thoughts, everything about me.
I hate hating myself.
I hate being stuck, I want to fly, I want to be, I want to soar, I want to live, really live.
I hate the fear, I hate the pain, I hate PTSD, I hate feeling like I'm never going to move forward 'cause on some level I'm stuck and won't let myself fly.
I hate it that I can't talk to my mother. I hate it that my dream since I was a little girl that one day, one day I'll make her happy and she'll love me for who I am and how I am and not hate me for being me.
I hate it that I still feel like a little girl and yet feel so old.
I hate it that I'm broken and I'm scared that I'll never be whole, never be fixed, never be normal.
I hate it that I hate myself.
I hate the fact that I'm getting old and probably will never be fixed enough to ever have a good relationship. Not in this lifetime anyway. Hopefully reincarnation exists and maybe next time I'll be better/fixed enough.
I hate it that I have no fucking idea how to date.
I hate it that I can't see my psychologist until the 18th of July 'cause she's on sick leave and so can't purge all the fucked up shit in my head until then.
I hate it that I'm so selfish that I'm hating it that I can't see her until then 'cause she's the one who can't work due to being on sick leave, so why the fuck am I finding this frustrating?
I hate it that sometimes late at night when I haven't had enough sleep, I wonder if I have it all wrong and am really going to Jahannam and gonna burn for eternity.
I hate it that I'm so negative.
I hate all the layers and barriers I have up, so many fucking layers and barriers that I'm too scared to let anyone get past 'cause I'm scared I'm going to get hurt.
I hate it that I'm so fucking sexually repressed and won't let my guard down like ever so will probably be forever a celibate hermit.
I hate being confused.
Fuck it! I hate it that I'm writing this fucking stupid, lame, negative and crazy post.
Topic: I hate...