Hey, ishina, if you skim this thread again, this is a question for you. I didn;t want to take it into another thread, the 'songs that make you cry thread' and your post
dedicated to your mother.
I only just remembered reading another post in which you praised your mother too, and talked of having a lot of respect and love for her, and a very close bond.
When I read your post on this thread, I thought you meant that you had no family, like I do. No bonds of love and respect with any parent.
Well, if you don’t want me to amateur-psychoanalyse you, I’ll give a little insight into myself. Or a bit of oversharing, or whatever.
I’ve always had my mother. My parents were just kids when they had me. My father was driven away by a hardcore Pakistani matriarch, my ‘grandmother’, who later drove away her own daughter. She set her stall out early in what can only be described as her trying to steal the love her daughters first born child, to assert control on her own wayward daughter. She would play me against my mum. For example, if I came in crying for, dunno, like I fell over playing outside and grazed my knee or some shit, like kids do, I’d run to my mum. My grandmother would muscle in and push my mother out of the picture. Little things like that, all the time. And she’d do it so obviously too, to make my mum feel like a bad mother. She’d always tell her she was a bad mother. My mum is just kid, and she’s watching her own child get stolen from her.
This had the opposite effect on me than perhaps my grandmother expected. It brought my mother and me closer. I wasn’t stupid. Kids pick up on things. From an early age I had clocked on to her little games. It didn’t feel right. I wanted my mum, not her. This became clearer as I got older. When I found my own voice, I’d start telling my grandmother what I thought of these little games, and I’d share my thoughts with my mum as I began to understand them. Obviously, this just pissed dear old grandma off, and she revealed her true colours. That’s all I’ll share for now. The rest is history.
I think I understand a little better why we sit on polar opposites of this, as you say you experience none of this super ego bashing, whereas I say it's daily bashment.
I really believe that having some kind of parental love is really important to raise individuals capable of loving themselves well too. If you have no one unconditionally loving you (within reason), how do you understand what there is to like about yourself? In childhood and then onwards I mean since children find it harder to rationalise these things away.
I think what I meant by no regrets is: No regrets that I will let affect me. I have regrets, I think. What I assume people describe as regrets anyway. I have said and done things that are certainly regrettable. But I don’t flirt with that part of the past often. It is a sometimes a conscious effort to avoid thinking about it, and some could fairly describe it as deluding myself. My mum and I have an extraordinary bond, for the reasons I have given and many other reasons. And I’ve done some things that broke her heart no doubt. Those things would be counted amongst the things I regret, for example.
Me simply saying “No regrets” could fairly be considered an act of self-deception, and it would also be valid to say it was dishonesty to those who might happen to read it. But that’s how I actually feel. Why should I regret things? I have a great life. I am an honourable person. It would shame me to have shame. I have no right to be ashamed, when I have my health, my life, and I am loved. There are people who do not have these things. I might be a poor art student, but I am rich beyond measure. Who am I to complain? Especially now, in this moment, when on the other side of the planet so much horror has entered the lives of so many people. In the blink of an eye, so many lives destroyed. Yet, here I stand, privileged, with luxuries and essentials. And there are times when the question in my head is: "Why did it have to be this way?" And what follows is the question: "Would I have what I have now if not for all of that?" And the answer is always: No. I wouldn't have what I have now if not for all the things I've been through. I wouldn't be the person I am now. I wouldn't have the relationship I have with the world and the people in it if not for all of that. I wouldn't have the appetite for life I have now if not for all of that. I am the sum of my parts, tried and tested, built to last. All the horrors of the past are as important to me as my dreams of the future. They have equipped me to deal with what may come. They are not a heavy burden. They are essential life experience.
I have been depressed in the past. I have seen rock bottom. I have broken through rock bottom into a whole new underworld of fucked. I could drive myself insane dwelling on the bad shit. So I simply don’t dwell on it. But its powerful stuff, and it doesn’t just go away if you ignore it. It’s easy to say “Be positive” or “Forget about it” or my favourite “It’ll will be ok” It’s the easiest thing in the world to say these things. We hear them all the time. And it’s nothing less than sincere expression of love and wanting to help. But, apart from the comfort of the moment, these words do not help in any practical way. They don’t show us
how to forget, or
how to be positive. See, this is gonna be trite and stupid and preachy, but that’s why I like reading shit like Zen and Buddhist philosophy. Those guys had these very problems down to a fine art. The actual processes of self-diagnosis are the stuff you need, not sympathy or pretty words. How to purify your mind, how to refine and improve your mental attitude and actions, encourage positive self-development, inspire and hold onto a positive mental attitude. How to cleanse yourself of self-affliction. Because that’s what it is: self-affliction.
Look in the mirror. There is your enemy.
Topic: The ex-muslim super ego, do you haz it?