Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America

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- Sherif-ET
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Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
OP - April 23, 2011, 08:34 PM

Hey gang,

First of all, it's nice to finally come in contact with others who are thinking on the same level as me. I'm a 20 year old college student studying engineering and, I've got to say, it's been hell the past 1 1/2 years debating with immediate family. I would just like to know, in general, how have you all been dealing with your family members? Is there any way of expressing your opinion without damaging the relationship with your family?

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #1 - April 23, 2011, 09:13 PM

Welcome Sherif!
Have you had a parrot yet?

I told my dad as well (divorced, biological mother passed away and stepmom used to be catholic so doesn't matter) and fucked everything over
Currently living on my own.

I would only recommend it to tell ones parents if they you can take care of yourself.

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #2 - April 23, 2011, 09:17 PM

Heyy sherif,
welcome to the forum
I live in the US as well (Michigan).
Where r u from?

&& I told my parents straight out.
I cant really not express myself, it would kill me.
and its been argument after arguement.
They started treating me terribly differently.
But they are beginning to accept it, even though they still dont agree with anything I say.
And, unless ur parents are okay with u ebing an apostate, there is no way u can not damage the relationship.
It might not be damaged, but it will be different.
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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #3 - April 23, 2011, 10:10 PM

Hi mate, good to have you on board. From your earlier posts in ahmed's thread, I can see you have a good head on your shoulders. And that's always a good start in my book

I can't really advise you on whether or not you should tell your parents; only you will be able to tell whether this is a worthwhile move for you. Most of us here suffer from this exact conflict, or have done so in the past. On the one hand, there is a need in many of us to be honest to ourselves and to our loved ones, to stand up for our beliefs and our principles, and to have those around us accept us for whom we really are. On the other hand (and as you, 344 and hananni pointed out), there is a danger of damaging those close relationships, often irrevocably, by proceeding down this course.

The second road above is a tough road to go down, and I'd urge you to tread carefully and to proceed with subtlety if you go down this path. Perhaps you can start by hinting at your doubts, or by pointing out some inconsistencies you've found. If the reaction to this is not catastrophic, then perhaps move on to expressing stronger doubts, backed by pieces of research. You can then carry on stepping up in this manner, until your goal has been reached.

However, IMHO, like 344 said, it is always a good idea to remain silent about your apostasy until you are able to stand on your own two feet. The tears, the emotional blackmail, the financial blackmail, the begging, the pleading and even the violence that is often employed by muslim families against potential apostates, would all be lesser weapons once you are independent.

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #4 - April 23, 2011, 10:56 PM

Welcome to the forum Sherif-ET. (ET means you are an extra terrestrial? j/k)

musivore wrote a very good post. I too would caution against telling your family about your apostasy. As well as breaking their hearts and causing them untold distress, it will severely damage the relationship between you and them (unless they are very progressive/liberal). I personally told my family as my circumstances meant that I felt I had no other option but to tell them why I didn't want to get married (to a Muslimah) and wanted to move home. Needless to say that it did not go down too well, but I fully expected that (I know how bloody religious my family are). Anyway, I'm fully independent, so I can cope on my own. Even though it was tempting/natural to be bitter and angry, I remained cool about it, since I see them as victims too. They have lost a son and their religion is preventing them from accepting him. Plus, I don't want to completely burn bridges. In fact, I feel I am keeping my apostasy fairly quiet to avoid embarrassing them within the Muslim community.

Having said all that, there are many who think that the more ex-Muslims come out of the closet, the less of a taboo it becomes, and the easier it becomes for others to come out. Plus, if you have the balls and defiance to take a stand against the prohibition of apostasy in Islam, openly declaring your apostasy is a great way of doing it. Perhaps part of me wanted to do this.

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #5 - April 24, 2011, 12:24 AM

I second Musivore's sentiments, and recommend starting off early & slowly.

Question them with all your doubts first; then say Islam was meant for specific time & place; then say you just want to be a good person & if there is a caring loving God out there then you will still get to heaven.... etc etc

Keep nudging the goalposts & see how they react.

I told my parents when I was still financially dependent on them. They got angry as it meant I can be my true self around them & the rest of my family without having to feel false, dishonest or worried about being caught out. And I am so glad I did.

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #6 - April 24, 2011, 07:32 AM

Islame: have your parents fully accepted you now for who you are? Do they still try to change you? Did you go through a very tough period with them because of your openness about your apostasy?

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #7 - April 24, 2011, 07:39 PM

Wow reading that I could really relate. I left Islam 2 years ago after arguing a lot with my parents. My mom is very open-minded, she chose to accept me the way I am. My dad, an orthodox Muslim, threatened that he would kill me and then he disowned me. If your family are fundamentalists there is no way out dear. But you can stop arguing with them. After all they're not going to change you or otherwise. So whats the point of the debate?

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #8 - April 24, 2011, 08:22 PM

Hello All, (and thanks for the parrot, three44)
(And I'm from North Carolina, btw)

There's a lot of good input here, I especially like Musivore's advice on the situation and urge anyone thinking about going down this path to take his advice. I just want to elaborate on a few things, after telling my parents about my beliefs it spiraled me into a depression, because I could tell they didn't fully accept my decision, my father would invite me to pray with him constantly and whenever we were alone he would spark up a conversation that would always lead to a religious debate.
My Father is the kindest person in the world, he kind of breaks the mold when it comes to Muslim males. And as much as I hate to admit it I admire the man, which is why I feel like I have to fight to gain his acceptance. As of now he believes I have no moral value's and that I cannot live on my own because I'm easily corruptible. But I can tell he loves me very much, which is why he is not giving up on me and trying to lure me back in to the religion. The reason why I posted this question was to see if anyone did have a success story with their families, and what steps could be taken in order to achieve similar results.

All I really want, is acceptance in the eyes of my parents(which is the point of the debate I suppose, hypexmuslim). But I see that I have been naive, . All that can be said, for those reading this who have not told their parents and are still dependent on them, is to NOT LET THEM FIND OUT. Do not make the same mistake that I have, or your life will take a change for the worse. (mainly depression, anxiety, and the feeling that you are an outcast within your own family). I was lucky enough to have family that wasn't crazy enough to toss me out the door, but you may not be so lucky...

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #9 - April 24, 2011, 09:53 PM

I think there are a few success stories from people on this forum. I’m sure he won’t mind me saying this, but Islame’s is one of them. I think he has not only managed to get his loved ones to accept him for who he is, but he has even succeeded at taking one or two of them with him and towards the light. I hope he rejoins this conversation when he has time, and gives you his side of the story on how this can be possible.

As Atepotist mentioned, I think a lot of it boils down to the people you are dealing with. As you and I know, no matter what angle of approach you use, there are some people out there who do not have it within them to change and to accept an apostasy of a loved one. Their minds are closed to other possibilities and Islam is entrenched forever in their minds and in their deeds. By denouncing Islam, to them you are going against everything that they and their forefathers have ever stood for, and this to them is simply unacceptable.

Your dad sounds like a very good man and the respect you have for him suggests to me that this relationship is worth preserving. Plus, you have had a very hard time already; perhaps it is time for you to give yourself a break and to call a truce, at least for the next year or two? Once you have graduated and are in a secure job, you will then have the option of trying to get through to your family again. However, you may then decide that this would be a futile course to go down for a second time. There is even a possibility that you and your family could settle upon an uneasy equilibrium, whereby religion is not discussed as much, and where neither party feels comfortable in bringing up the subject in order to change the other (this is where I currently stand with my parents).

There are many people on this forum who have been brave enough to have taken a stand, and who have not have backed down as a result of the pressure their families have applied. Often this has been done in order for them to preserve their integrity, or even their sanity sometimes. However, this has often come at the price of reduced (or even completely severed) ties with their families. You do not necessarily have to follow.

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #10 - April 24, 2011, 11:28 PM

Quote from: musivore on April 24, 2011, 07:32 AM
Islame: have your parents fully accepted you now for who you are?

With regards to religion yes, not regarding the cultural side of things

Quote
Do they still try to change you?

Dad -no
Mum - yes (but it mostly the other way around - I never give up trying even if she is a lost cause )

Quote
Did you go through a very tough period with them because of your openness about your apostasy?

No I cant say their was one single tough period because I did it over a period of a number of years, I was open from the beginning from my first shadow of doubt right through to the end.

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Re: Introduction : Sherif Shazly : Egyptian-Tunisian from America
Reply #11 - April 26, 2011, 02:23 PM

Hey

I am from states too (Michigan)
And yes, I have told my family, but I live far apart, and try to stay away to avoid arguments.
(I am sure other people who know me here would be saying.. yeah! right! lol)

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