Meh, seems I only right here when I am hitting a low, and then the exorcism seems to make me avoid this thread, and the posts so that it doesn't bring me down again.
So why am I here? because I feel that way again.
Food war, face war, age war, it's the war of my world again
A friend sent me some pictures she had taken of me whilst i was out on my birthday and I looked through each one with building horror that i went out at all, that people saw me, I felt sick to my stomach looking at the pictures. That's what i really look like, not any fb pics which I have now taken down.
I realised one thing though, its not that i am fat at all. Infact everyone of the pictures just showed me that I don't look right at this size, its just that i am ugly and an ugly person can starve themselves too supermodel sizes, it won't ever change that reality.
So I ate a doughnut in my depression before I slept last night after telling her to delete all the pics and removing any existing pics of me online, and I had a bacon sandwich for breakfast, and I just ate a fucking hotdog. I don't care anymore. Fuck everything. I am what i am, so tired of struggling to accept that truth.
Of course all the new clothes will have to go, I was never meant to be that size anyway. I swear my friend has this one pic and my upper arm is practically the same size as my lower arm. It looked fucking disgusting. Plus I swear my ass has never been flatter.
But whatever. I wasn't unhappy when I wasn't this size. At least not about my size really.
infact the only trigger to losing all of this weight was a foolish mistake last year. I needed to control my emotions. As long as I avoid all situations which make me feel like that again, i will be fine if I gain a size.
I am what i am and that is that.
I feel a bit queazy though, like I'm going to throw up any minute and my stomach hurts I;m so full up. But I don't care anymore. I'm not going to be sick. Its not my weight that is the problem with me, its my face and I can't do anything about it.
I have no idea what i'm having for dinner.
(aww sheeet, my other side is really giving me grief right now, like "hahahaha how long will you last? can you feel that panic rising? ") :s
Must let go, I have to let go.
Maybe I should go buy some new jeans 1 size bigger so that when I get too big for the ones I have now I won;t panic and take steps backward again?
(I know I sound a bit crazy. I feel a little bit crazy to be honest. All that food running around inside me is making me sweat)
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I'm also pissed that I made another bad choice in life, I seem to bounce from 1 bad choice to another over and over again.
the mistake?
Taking theology and religious studies. I find it so boring, and far too evangelical for my liking. I feel like I am learning nothing new. I wish I had taken psychology or anthropology << which was what i had initially planned upon.
I can't believe I fucked up so badly. Then what is worse i delayed accepting that I didn't want to be doing theology passed that 3 week mark that allows for a quick switch, and now I am stuck doing this crap for a year.
I
I just need to get better at life. Right now I kind of suck at it.
Topic: From the mouth of madness - My blog