I came off the anti depressants. Only took them for a couple of weeks in the end. The shakes faded out as did the anxiety but all I was left with was numbness. Not even a pleasant numbness, a numbness that seemed to take away any ability I had to be in a good mood.
But mostly I stopped them because I was unable to orgasm whilst I was on them and I don't like that.
Or so I thought really. I may have been feeling totally blah whilst on them, and very very depressed, but at least I woke up without crying, or the depression was very blah meaning no tears.
Today, 2 days off them, I have woken up feeling just as insanely unstable as I was before the meds calmed that part down. I just want to punch someone again. Its the rage I am having trouble dealing with. I can handle the mood swings, at least I can look forward to up days without the meds along with the bad days, rather than just a continuous sequence of blah days. But the rage in the morning. The way I wake up in the morning is driving me mad.
I feel so unappreciated, I feel taken for granted, I feel like no one irl thinks about what is good for me, only what is good for them. People take take take and when I speak occasionally nothing really changes. NOTHING. The only way to change things is to go mad, to punch the people who won't listen to my words, or exile them from me for good.
But then I can't face myself when I do. When I think that my brother might end up homeless because he has no job, no money, and has been living off my finances for 4 years and has progressed to a stage where this set up doesn't phase or embarrass him the slightest. Where everyday is just one long fucking piss take just because I am kind, just because I cared. I want him out, or I want him to start respecting my rules, but I fail each time because I can't handle the guilt of knowing he has nowhere to go.
Or to tell my friend that she imposes too much upon my introverted time. That I just don't want to talk on the phone for 3-4hours, I want to be alone. Like really alone. Lets meet up once a week, please stop demanding I be extroverted because you are lonely. I like to be alone. But I feel guilty because I know she is alone right now and I know she needs me. So I have no down time. I must be there always.
Or to tell other people other things, it really leads nowhere because I then feel bad.
The only time I ever stick to my anger and manage to fight off the guilt is when I have been flat out betrayed or when I am physically attacked. There is no forgiveness for trying to get violent with me. This is why inspite of my extreme rage issues, and fantasies about knocking people out or smahsing heads in, are just flashes in my mind, because there is no forgiveness for that. You can not return from the edge, or at least I can't and I try to live by the golden rule.
When people I care about tell me something I do bothers them, I actually change that. I don't attempt to, I succeed at it. I do that out of respect, I do that out of love, I do that because I don't want to lose them and I value them. And yet it seems, when I speak, the people around me listen, promise and then just carry on like the conversation never happened. What golden rule? what equal respect?
The more I have people in my life the more I hate people.
So maybe I shouldn't have come off the meds............because I wouldn't be having a rage attack right now. I would just be blah. Unable to cum, sure, but unable to come and knock you out? sounds safer as an emotion.
I just want to wake up feeling better. I just want to feel better. I want this person I am to just die inside me and let me be the person I know I could be, if I didn't have this stupid rage and depression to fight off.
I feel bitter. Over my life I feel so angry. I used to be fine with it but as the years go by it hurts more and not less. My judgements against myself continue to grow, not to shrink. The more I see where I am now the more I hate myself for bringing myself here.
Man I feel like shit this morning.
What do I do? should I go blah again?
Topic: From the mouth of madness - My blog