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 Topic: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?

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  • Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     OP - August 25, 2011, 11:03 PM
    I am 18 and I live with  abusive Muslim parents, I was hoping I could get away from them by attending university but that's not happening because I flopped by one mark so I have to re-sit that one exam (couldn't get into the uni I wanted and I didn't find any good clearing offers). My dad is very strict and violent, the other day he locked me in the house and took out a wire and piece of wood claiming to break my bones, he hit me once but my brother stopped him - he did this because he saw pictures of me in a bikini, drinking alcohol and posing with guy friends. He demanded I give him the password to my facebook but I refused. This isn't the first time he's threatened to kill me. My mum has wished me dead and she tells me I am a shame and I am a worthless daughter and that I'll get no where in life without her. They claim to have a right to act the way they do because they provide shelter for me and buy me clothes - also that they are my parents and allah has supposedly placed them in this position. I am depressed and I have low self esteem, I don't think I can stand living with them during my gap year but I am finding it hard deciding whether I should move out. Are there services available for people like me in the UK, what are my chances of finding a shelter? my friend and her mum don't mind taking me in for the first couple of months so I can search for a place so I do have a friend who can help. It's just for my gap year, after that I can apply for uni and accommodation.

    Please guys I seriously need advice I am confused and I can't put up with my dad anymore. He's capable of a lot of things! Atheist children and Muslim parents simply cannot co-exist. Will I receive some kind of housing aid?

    Thank youuuu
    We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #1 - August 25, 2011, 11:08 PM
    Sorry to hear what your going through.

    I'm sure others here with more experience, wisdom and knowledge of your options will give you good advice.

    I hope things get better for you soon. Smiley
    An alternative to religion;

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2nfXfTg92E

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWNW-NXEudk
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #2 - August 25, 2011, 11:12 PM
    Thanks, I am really sorry to poison this positive forum with my negative life experiences but this forum helps me deal with so much and I am so grateful to be a part of it  Smiley
    We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #3 - August 25, 2011, 11:14 PM
    Yes, you can totally move out.

    You have a couple of options in front of you.

    1 - Turn up at any council in any area and present yourself as homeless.  You will need to tell them about the abuse, but wouldn't need to press charges, just tell them that you are in fear of your life and that your parents are threatening to kill you.  They have a duty to house you or direct you to a suitable alternative.

    2 - Go into a women's refuge or at least call the helpline and explain the situation to them.  http://www.womensaid.org.uk/  or http://refuge.org.uk/  and ask for advice on what to do next.

    I wouldn't hang around either.  It is better to get yourself out of there as no one should have to tolerate violence.  Any one of the two options above will defintely get you housed and safe, it is how come I am safe and many of my closest friends are.  Violence does not just have to be from a partner, women's refuges also deal with women fleeing violent parents, one of my friends was moved that way.

    Good luck Vamp, I hope you can get yourself somewhere safe.
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #4 - August 25, 2011, 11:16 PM
    Quote from: VampCyberpunk on August 25, 2011, 11:12 PM
    Thanks, I am really sorry to poison this positive forum with my negative life experiences but this forum helps me deal with so much and I am so grateful to be a part of it  Smiley


    Not at all.  Islam is the poison, not you or your situation.  Don't ever feel uncomfortable to lay your shit here, that's why we exist.   Smiley

    Most important thing is you right now.
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #5 - August 25, 2011, 11:17 PM
    Quote from: VampCyberpunk on August 25, 2011, 11:12 PM
    Thanks, I am really sorry to poison this positive forum with my negative life experiences but this forum helps me deal with so much and I am so grateful to be a part of it  Smiley


    Support's what this forum is for, and the creator just gave you some great advice. Afro Please keep us updated.
    An alternative to religion;

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2nfXfTg92E

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWNW-NXEudk
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #6 - August 25, 2011, 11:20 PM
    Quote from: VampCyberpunk on August 25, 2011, 11:03 PM
    I am 18 and I live with  abusive Muslim parents, I was hoping I could get away from them by attending university but that's not happening because I flopped by one mark so I have to re-sit that one exam (couldn't get into the uni I wanted and I didn't find any good clearing offers). My dad is very strict and violent, the other day he locked me in the house and took out a wire and piece of wood claiming to break my bones, he hit me once but my brother stopped him - he did this because he saw pictures of me in a bikini, drinking alcohol and posing with guy friends. He demanded I give him the password to my facebook but I refused. This isn't the first time he's threatened to kill me. My mum has wished me dead and she tells me I am a shame and I am a worthless daughter and that I'll get no where in life without her. They claim to have a right to act the way they do because they provide shelter for me and buy me clothes - also that they are my parents and allah has supposedly placed them in this position. I am depressed and I have low self esteem, I don't think I can stand living with them during my gap year but I am finding it hard deciding whether I should move out. Are there services available for people like me in the UK, what are my chances of finding a shelter? my friend and her mum don't mind taking me in for the first couple of months so I can search for a place so I do have a friend who can help. It's just for my gap year, after that I can apply for uni and accommodation.

    Please guys I seriously need advice I am confused and I can't put up with my dad anymore. He's capable of a lot of things! Atheist children and Muslim parents simply cannot co-exist. Will I receive some kind of housing aid?

    Thank youuuu


    Sorry to hear what you're going through hugs .. there is a lot of support out there and being an 18 year old is going to come handy for you if you are seriously planning on moving out/running away. I did this too but it took me to hit 19 to finally stand up for myself. If I were you I'd gather all the emotional courage you can find cause us humans have this weird useless weakness that makes us culpable to get hurt again and again and again even when we know better not to put ourselves through certain trouble. Although it sounds like you're pretty indifferent towards your parents already which is a good thing seeing as you're going to have to stand up for yourself .. finally.  

    You can call many helplines to sort you a place out. You should get a lot of them come up on a quick google search. I would recommend you stay with your friend for the couple of months she is offering to support you with, seeing as not only would you be getting to a safe place straight away you'd also get to see the reality of your friend - which would be a good thing of course. That is a vital for someone like you who is planning to become an independent adult. It takes time and patience so you will get knockbacks but don't let em get you down.

    hugs

    Don't lose hope cause you need the will to find your way. Smiley
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #7 - August 25, 2011, 11:27 PM
    Thanks for the advice guys!
    BerberElla it's good to hear from you again, if you remember my screen name lol but I am worried because what if I am not a priority or I get kicked out! I've heard so many stories and bad experiences about being homeless in the UK.

    Thanks strangest dude Smiley

    Zaiba that is exactly me! I am not strong enough to leave because I have younger siblings and they are my family and they've been with me 18 years of my life! emotions get in the way and stop you from being rational. What happened with you? I am curious about what you went through and how you finally stood up for yourself! do you still speak to them?
    We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #8 - August 25, 2011, 11:43 PM
    You can apply for council housing or have benefits cover the rental cost of a room.
    If you explain the situation to your local job centre  they'll direct you accordingly on how to gain it, then you just need to look for a place and inquire about it with the land lord.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #9 - August 26, 2011, 12:12 AM
    Vamp.. I remember you from a while back.  Yeah, please dont hesitate or put this
    off.  We are talking life or death, or severe physical injury.  I hope you can get an
    emergency safe house like NOW while trying to work out the assisted living situation. 
    I think by far that is the 1st priority.

    I wish I could help you, but I live in the states.  Please let us know what results are gotten
    by your inquiries, and take good care of YOU!

     far away hug
    When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
    Helen Keller
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #10 - August 26, 2011, 12:26 AM
    Quote from: VampCyberpunk on August 25, 2011, 11:27 PM
    Zaiba that is exactly me! I am not strong enough to leave because I have younger siblings and they are my family and they've been with me 18 years of my life! emotions get in the way and stop you from being rational. What happened with you? I am curious about what you went through and how you finally stood up for yourself! do you still speak to them?



    Exactly, siblings are a tricky bunch to handle but at times like tear you have to put yourself first and foremost.  Everything and everyone else has to come after. And as hard as I know that sounds, you've got our support so please don't fall for the typical emotional blackmail and guilt tripping that parents use especially regarding younger siblings.

      Funnily enough yes I am still in contact with them. In fact I moved out or more like ran away from home in February after they found out about my apostasy bit somehow along the line they managed to dupe me back home and that is where I have been living for the summer.  Although on the bright side, September is just round the corner and soon I'll be off to uni and can finally begin to move forward with my life. Smiley
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #11 - August 26, 2011, 05:48 AM
    Sorry to hear about what you are going through hugs and no, you havent poisoned the forum.

    I think its best you move out of the house with the way your father is threathening you and asking for your facebook password wacko . That doesnt look good.
    "I'm standing here like an asshole holding my Charles Dickens"

    "No theory,No ready made system,no book that has ever been written to save the world. i cleave to no system.."-Bakunin
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #12 - August 26, 2011, 10:57 AM
    Quote from: VampCyberpunk on August 25, 2011, 11:27 PM
    Thanks for the advice guys!
    BerberElla it's good to hear from you again, if you remember my screen name lol but I am worried because what if I am not a priority or I get kicked out! I've heard so many stories and bad experiences about being homeless in the UK.



    True, but I also know a load of stories that are not horror stories about being homeless.

    Presenting yourself as homeless usually follows these steps:

    1 - Application

    2 - Homeless unit/hostel or bed and breakfast for 6 weeks whilst they assess your application

    3 - A move into somewhere more permanent than the above placements ^^ which is probably a hostel if you are single, but if you are lucky a private rented bed sit or 1 bed for the duration of your wait for final permanent accomodation


    Since you are only homeless on your gap year, you won't even have to worry about the long term road.  This is about getting you housed safely for the gap year before uni if that is still your plan.

    I have lived in hostels and bed and breakfasts before, hell I have even slept on park benches and crack houses, curled up in a corner aged 14 rather than give in and go home, or go back to my foster parents. On a scale of 1 - 10, hostels come out on top for me.  I had a room, shared facilities, had general freedom to come and go as I pleased, and I made a few friends along the way.

    For me, I was prepared to face any hurdle to get safe, so no matter how run down the building, or how dire my situation, I just refused to give in.  Better that than the alternative.

    Getting away from your parents in the above way isn't easy if you let things like that bring you down, but it's easy if you glaze your eyes over and just deal with it, and still wake up smiling and getting on with your life.  The only way to cope with that road.

    There are other ways.  Get a job asap, work and build up a deposit and rent a place.

    But if your situation is extremely distressing and dangerous right now, then just leave.  Do what I did and take a leap, irregardless of how long it takes you to land on your feet, eventually you will, and when you do you will be free. 
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #13 - August 26, 2011, 11:37 AM
    Quote from: BerberElla on August 25, 2011, 11:14 PM
    Yes, you can totally move out.

    You have a couple of options in front of you.

    1 - Turn up at any council in any area and present yourself as homeless.  You will need to tell them about the abuse, but wouldn't need to press charges, just tell them that you are in fear of your life and that your parents are threatening to kill you.  They have a duty to house you or direct you to a suitable alternative.

    2 - Go into a women's refuge or at least call the helpline and explain the situation to them.  http://www.womensaid.org.uk/  or http://refuge.org.uk/  and ask for advice on what to do next.

    I wouldn't hang around either.  It is better to get yourself out of there as no one should have to tolerate violence.  Any one of the two options above will defintely get you housed and safe, it is how come I am safe and many of my closest friends are.  Violence does not just have to be from a partner, women's refuges also deal with women fleeing violent parents, one of my friends was moved that way.

    Good luck Vamp, I hope you can get yourself somewhere safe.


    This^

    Good luck vamp - let us know how it goes.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #14 - August 26, 2011, 12:11 PM
    Yes, please let us know how it goes, I'm going to worry about you. Geeze, all you need is love! It's such a shame to have to go through that, especially for no reason at all but just for being young happy and normal!!  I hope you don't proceed to become a loner, there are loads of people out there (here) willing to give you support. Hold on tight!
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #15 - August 26, 2011, 03:38 PM
    I am sorry to hear about that  Cry . I feel really hurt when i see what parents do there children just beacuse they think there morality is the right morality :/.

    I hope everything tunrs out to be good for you, Keep us updated and good luck  far away hug




    Lost somewhere between immensity and eternity is our tiny planetary home. [carl sagan]
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #16 - August 26, 2011, 06:58 PM
    I guess leaving is my only option, I have applied for Job seekers to get my started and I hope to find a job soon. Hopefully My friends mum will allow me to live with her the entire year. If not then I shall ask the council for help! a hostel sounds so much better than living the life I do now. To be honest I couldn't face another year with them but I know it's gonna be hard and it'll hurt them terribly. Thanks for your support everyone and I'll let you know how it goes.  thnkyu
    We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #17 - August 26, 2011, 07:02 PM
    Quote from: VampCyberpunk on August 26, 2011, 06:58 PM
    I guess leaving is my only option, I have applied for Job seekers to get my started and I hope to find a job soon. Hopefully My friends mum will allow me to live with her the entire year. If not then I shall ask the council for help!


    No, ask for help now, no matter what.
    The government is pretty slack these days, it could take you a while to get the funding/housing sorted and even if you stay at your friends mothers house you could eventually wind up between accommodation if you wait.

    Immediately start looking for a room to rent (I doubt your allowance will cover the cost of running a house so a room is better) and go into the job centre next time you're in town and get a room as soon as possible, possibly living at your friends house during the wait.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #18 - August 27, 2011, 12:03 AM
    Sorry to hear about what you're going thru Vamp.

    Please stay safe and update us.  <3
    Rather be forgotten than remembered for giving in.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #19 - August 27, 2011, 02:34 AM
    Jesus Christ, that is a hideous situation! *big hug for you* BerberElla has it right when she suggested a Women’s Refuge. You do have options, and you need to take them. I really hope it works out for you.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #20 - August 28, 2011, 10:50 PM
    Guys I don't know what to do my mums crying and my whole family are upset! what do I do??? I am desperate for freedom and independence but I feel so bad! I am so upset :(

    I left home.
    We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #21 - August 28, 2011, 10:51 PM
     far away hug

    Vampcyberpunk .. hold strong hun, Emotional guilt is the most difficult to overcome, but hold strong hun you'll get through this. hugs
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #22 - August 28, 2011, 10:55 PM
    Where are you?  what has happened?

    My father phoned and cried for months and months and months when I left home at 13.  He was devestated and it broke my heart but when the abuse got too bad I couldn't do it anymore.  Too much forgiveness is a bad thing.  Remember it is not you abusing your parents, and if they would only stop physically abusing you you could handle living with them, but they won't so its not right or fair for you to have to stay because they might cry.

    I know its not easy but how often can they say they have changed, or that they will try harder, before the lie shows behind the words?  I am sure in their hearts they don't want it to be this way, but actions speak louder than words.

    You need to think about how you want to live from here on out and just face the drama that will come from that decision.  But when abuse is involved you have to eventually make that decision.  But I know its not easy.  You will leave when you are ready to face it and not before then.

    Hope you find a way to access that strength in you that made you make this thread in the first place.  hugs
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #23 - August 28, 2011, 10:55 PM
    Quote from: VampCyberpunk on August 28, 2011, 10:50 PM
    Guys I don't know what to do my mums crying and my whole family are upset! what do I do??? I am desperate for freedom and independence but I feel so bad! I am so upset :(

    This might sound really cold but... they will get over it. Better they are temporarily upset than your life being miserable forever. And it is your life, after all.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #24 - August 28, 2011, 11:05 PM
    Thank you so much guys, you are all so supportive! I feel a little better I guess but I do still feel like shit. But I know there are so many others going through this so I will try stay strong!

    I just hope I can see them all again someday when all this craziness has died out.

    Thanks again guys!!!
    We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #25 - August 28, 2011, 11:10 PM
    BerberElla
    I am at a friends at this present moment I left this morning and took all my stuff. I lied to my mum and said I was going to some college enrollment but I never came back. I spoke to my brother on facebook and he told me my mum was crying and if I was coming home. :(
    We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #26 - August 28, 2011, 11:11 PM
    Also remind them that they are more likely to have you coming back to them (emotionally at least) if they accept you for who you are instead of trying to block you at every opportunity. Long after they’re gone you will still have to live your own life, and they want you to be happy don’t they? Huh?
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #27 - August 28, 2011, 11:12 PM
    Quote from: BerberElla on August 28, 2011, 10:55 PM
    Where are you?  what has happened?

    My father phoned and cried for months and months and months when I left home at 13.  He was devestated and it broke my heart but when the abuse got too bad I couldn't do it anymore.  Too much forgiveness is a bad thing.  Remember it is not you abusing your parents, and if they would only stop physically abusing you you could handle living with them, but they won't so its not right or fair for you to have to stay because they might cry.

    I know its not easy but how often can they say they have changed, or that they will try harder, before the lie shows behind the words?  I am sure in their hearts they don't want it to be this way, but actions speak louder than words.

    You need to think about how you want to live from here on out and just face the drama that will come from that decision.  But when abuse is involved you have to eventually make that decision.  But I know its not easy.  You will leave when you are ready to face it and not before then.

    Hope you find a way to access that strength in you that made you make this thread in the first place.  hugs


    BerberElla
    I am at a friends at this present moment I left this morning and took all my stuff. I lied to my mum and said I was going to some college enrollment but I never came back. I spoke to my brother on facebook and he told me my mum was crying and if I was coming home. :(
    We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #28 - August 28, 2011, 11:16 PM
    Quote from: VampCyberpunk on August 28, 2011, 11:10 PM
    BerberElla
    I am at a friends at this present moment I left this morning and took all my stuff. I lied to my mum and said I was going to some college enrollment but I never came back. I spoke to my brother on facebook and he told me my mum was crying and if I was coming home. :(


    I know its hard, honestly I feel how you must be feeling right now and it reminds me of how shit i felt for so long for leaving my parents.  But honestly, the abuse won't stop and neither will the control.  Your mum will cry for awhile, but she will learn to deal with it.  You have learned to deal with the tears from your own abuse. 

    Just try not to make any contact right now as it will be too upsetting for you, and for them.  I think you did the right thing though, and one day you can heal the rift if you want to, just give it time. 
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Do you guys have any advice on what I should do here?
     Reply #29 - August 28, 2011, 11:33 PM
    Quote from: Kodanshi on August 28, 2011, 11:11 PM
    Also remind them that they are more likely to have you coming back to them (emotionally at least) if they accept you for who you are instead of trying to block you at every opportunity. Long after they’re gone you will still have to live your own life, and they want you to be happy don’t they? Huh?


    My dad told me himself he'd disown me if I wasn't muslim and so did my mum but judging by her reaction I know she cares. They don't know I am atheist and I don't think they will ever accept me if they knew I was :(
    My dad wants me to be happy but he sort of puts religion first if you know what I mean

    Quote from: BerberElla on August 28, 2011, 11:16 PM
    I know its hard, honestly I feel how you must be feeling right now and it reminds me of how shit i felt for so long for leaving my parents.  But honestly, the abuse won't stop and neither will the control.  Your mum will cry for awhile, but she will learn to deal with it.  You have learned to deal with the tears from your own abuse.  

    Just try not to make any contact right now as it will be too upsetting for you, and for them.  I think you did the right thing though, and one day you can heal the rift if you want to, just give it time.


    Okay I will give it time, my brother keeps inboxing me and saying my dad wants to speak to me and that I should answer my phone. I obviously can't lol. You're okay with your parents though now right?
    We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.
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