Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice

1« Previous thread | Next thread »
- Absurdist
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
OP - May 12, 2012, 12:28 AM

Most shy people wish they were more confident, because shyness is ultimately a symptom of you being uncomfortable with who you are. You judge yourself based on other people's standards and spend too much time in your own head, thinking of how best to act and react in any given situation. This is nothing more than a bad habit, and it's the sort of thing you can break with regular practice.

I was a loud, confident kid when I was young. Then I transferred schools after 6th grade and was one of a few people who didn't know anybody. After a few failed attempts to make friends, I became shy. It was easier to just be quiet and avoid everyone than risk rejection. That shyness took only a few weeks to develop and it stuck with me for years. Author James Victore believes it's really nothing more than a bad habit:

"Most of us are so afraid of failing that we don't even risk it. And what's worse, risk and rejection become something to avoid at all costs. A habit is formed. We close doors that may lead to opportunities and stop putting ourselves out there for other people to respond to. This fear of rejection is normal. Everyone shies away and has moments, or extended moments, of self-doubt. But the fear is also a test, it means you are onto something and you should pay attention to it and not shy away."

That fear is a good way to detect opportunities, but it can be easy to think we're too shy to make good use of them and find an excuse to avoid them. Like with any bad habit, you're not going to turn your diffidence into confidence in a couple of hours. Breaking a bad habit just involves forming a better one in its place, so make an effort every day to do something you'd otherwise avoid because you feel shy. Try simple things, and then when those big opportunities come along and strike you with fear you won't worry so much about the results. If you practice thinking just the right amount, rather than analyzing every possible outcome, that'll be your new habit. Just get outside of your head and be present in the moment every day. You'll have far less trouble next time you need to summon some confidence because you won't be thinking about it.

LifeHacker.com
- olweasel
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #1 - May 12, 2012, 01:06 AM

This is easier said than done.

"Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well."
- Robert Louis Stevenson
- Absurdist
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #2 - May 12, 2012, 01:12 AM

Everything is easier said than done.
- Prince Spinoza
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #3 - May 12, 2012, 01:14 AM

Except talking. That's about the same. Which is the problem here I guess. 'Not being shy' isn't easier said than done. XD
- Absurdist
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #4 - May 12, 2012, 01:14 AM

I think Clawed infected you with his rationality.
- Stardust
- Founder of Neo-Hippiism
- Ex-Muslim
- Beneath The Veil
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #5 - May 12, 2012, 01:43 AM

I agree with you, and sometimes it's the way you were raised, a sort of 'brainwashing' to be shy, especially as a girl.

And when you say 'get outside your head' well I find that I don't like that feeling of 'lack of control' that comes with letting go.

EDIT: I'm not sure if I agree with you entirely...I think it's two factors: brain chemistry & the way one was raised/habit you formed.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor E. Frankl

'Life is just the extreme expression of complex chemistry' - Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Stardust
- Founder of Neo-Hippiism
- Ex-Muslim
- Beneath The Veil
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #6 - May 12, 2012, 01:44 AM

I can do it, but after a long time it makes me dizzy-ish and sickly and want to retreat to 'recharge' myself, to re-focus.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor E. Frankl

'Life is just the extreme expression of complex chemistry' - Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Stardust
- Founder of Neo-Hippiism
- Ex-Muslim
- Beneath The Veil
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #7 - May 12, 2012, 01:52 AM

-

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor E. Frankl

'Life is just the extreme expression of complex chemistry' - Neil deGrasse Tyson
- deusvult
- O......O
- Pub Regular
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #8 - May 12, 2012, 03:04 AM

So once again I'm left with the classic Irish man's dilemma, do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
My political philosophy below
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwGat4i8pJI&feature=g-vrec
Just kidding, here are some true heros
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBTgvK6LQqA
- deusvult
- O......O
- Pub Regular
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #9 - May 12, 2012, 03:07 AM

I would say that being shy isn't being uncomfortable with yourself it's just being out of practice with interacting with other people. Like anything that's out of practice you got to put some effort in, overcome fears, and feel that rush of excitement of accomplishing a goal.

So once again I'm left with the classic Irish man's dilemma, do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
My political philosophy below
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwGat4i8pJI&feature=g-vrec
Just kidding, here are some true heros
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBTgvK6LQqA
- deusvult
- O......O
- Pub Regular
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #10 - May 12, 2012, 03:09 AM

Quote from: Stardust on May 12, 2012, 01:44 AM
I can do it, but after a long time it makes me dizzy-ish and sickly and want to retreat to 'recharge' myself, to re-focus.

I'm the same way with social interactions. Some of my closest friends are introverted like me and we joke that we can't be in any group of people for more than 24 hours strait. We have to take a break from each other.

So once again I'm left with the classic Irish man's dilemma, do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
My political philosophy below
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwGat4i8pJI&feature=g-vrec
Just kidding, here are some true heros
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBTgvK6LQqA
- Cato
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #11 - May 12, 2012, 06:23 AM

Quote from: Stardust on May 12, 2012, 01:44 AM
I can do it, but after a long time it makes me dizzy-ish and sickly and want to retreat to 'recharge' myself, to re-focus.

Mine is something like that but i wouldnt say dizzy-ish and sick,its more like worn-out especially if i become bored with a group of people since i tend to do that easily

I can approach a group of people and join in their conversation with not much effort but my only problem is falling into the wrong crowd that only engages in stupid conversations like

-tits and asses(its ok to talk about it for a brief period but not all the time, it can get boring)

-talking about other people in a negative light
-talking about other people's wealth and properties.
-religion

If i find myself in a group that engages themselves in any of these three convos constantly, i draw myself out as soon as i can before we become close enough that one can come visit me and take a drink from my fridge.

I have mull over those thought of "am i shy?" But i dont think im one, reserved? Yes.

"I'm standing here like an asshole holding my Charles Dickens"

"No theory,No ready made system,no book that has ever been written to save the world. i cleave to no system.."-Bakunin
- Hikaru
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #12 - May 12, 2012, 06:30 AM

Quote from: deusvult on May 12, 2012, 03:07 AM
I would say that being shy isn't being uncomfortable with yourself it's just being out of practice with interacting with other people. Like anything that's out of practice you got to put some effort in, overcome fears, and feel that rush of excitement of accomplishing a goal.

I'd say its a little bit of both really.

井の中の蛙大海を知らず。
(I no naka no kawazu taikai wo shirazu)
A frog in a well does not know the great sea.
- BerberElla
- Class A'sexual
- Creator Goddess
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #13 - May 12, 2012, 08:13 AM

I think there is a difference between being shy and being an introvert though since you can have socially anxious extroverts who due to shyness/fear of rejection stop doing the one thing that they actually thrive on.

I get very very exhausted by social interaction and depending on the size of the group I had to socialise with the longer it takes for me to recover. But that's not what makes me reluctant to socialise. Sometimes I want nothing more than to socialise, and then my shyness/paranoia gets in the way.

I do think it's a habit I can break and very very slowly I am getting better at it. The real challenge will be when I get back to uni, and then I refuse to let my shyness win this time round. Been reading books and articles about how to work on it, and I can't wait to test it out.

I want to be a confident introvert, one who can socialise when need be and take her recharging time once its done, without being torn up with anxiety each time.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
- Ishina
- Militant Atheist
- Ex-Muslim
- No Fate But What We Make
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #14 - May 12, 2012, 11:30 AM

We all play the game and play the moves that work for us.

Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
- Tonyt
- Pub Regular
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #15 - May 12, 2012, 03:13 PM

Quote from: Stardust on May 12, 2012, 01:43 AM
I agree with you, and sometimes it's the way you were raised, a sort of 'brainwashing' to be shy, especially as a girl.

Interesting. How does that work though? How do you raise a child to be shy? Do you mean like not conversing with the child? I.e. ignoring them? Does that lead to shyness? I suppose that could also have the opposite affect, all depending on the child's personality?
- PeruvianSkies
- Ex-Muslim
- La Illaha Il al FSM
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #16 - May 12, 2012, 03:16 PM

What exactly does it mean to be shy? It seems like we all have such different opinions on the definition...

~My story~
~Collection of unethical hadiths/surahs~
- Absurdist
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #17 - May 12, 2012, 03:53 PM

Shyness is when you want to socialize, want to say something, but something inside you prevents you, disables you from expressing yourself. A lot of people confuse introversion with shyness. Introverted people require time alone to "recharge" and prefer one-on-one, more intimate contact, rather than spending time in big groups. And when they do spend a lot of time in big groups they tend to close in on themselves after a while. This might be perceived as shyness, but I don't think it is.

Introverted people tend to be incapable of or uninterested in small talk and random chatter. They have specific interests they like to discuss. Personally, when I go to parties, I chat and socialize for a bit, I can be a complete social butterfly, but after a while, unless I'm talking to a person I've connected with, I stop talking. But when people are talking about something I'm interested in, even in big groups, I can take over a conversation, and in fact sometimes need to consciously give others time to speak.
- Stardust
- Founder of Neo-Hippiism
- Ex-Muslim
- Beneath The Veil
- offline
Re: Being shy is just a bad habit, and you can break it with regular practice
Reply #18 - May 12, 2012, 06:46 PM

Quote from: Tonyt on May 12, 2012, 03:13 PM
Interesting. How does that work though? How do you raise a child to be shy? Do you mean like not conversing with the child? I.e. ignoring them? Does that lead to shyness? I suppose that could also have the opposite affect, all depending on the child's personality?

Some people make a child shy by just treating them badly, by telling them they're stupid, ugly etc constantly, breaking their self esteem down, that they shouldn't laugh, that they shouldn't cry, by telling them as a girl they shouldn't be so loud, they should be ashamed of their bodies, they're not allowed to do things boys are, they should only speak when spoken to, etc.

Yes it does depend on the child's personality too, I added an EDIT in my above post, which you missed. I think it's both factors of brain chemistry and habits.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor E. Frankl

'Life is just the extreme expression of complex chemistry' - Neil deGrasse Tyson
1« Previous thread | Next thread »