Dealing with death

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- Fara7
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Dealing with death
OP - December 09, 2012, 11:57 PM

I am so devastated and heart broken because a dear dear girl I knew, who more or less grew up in my house was found dead a few days ago. She is/was very young, had a beautiful heart, and her whole life a head of her.

I lost loved one before, at the time I still had my faith, my faith helped me to deal with it and make sense, I said Allah knows best, Allah wanted my loved one with him, loved ones gone to a better place etc etc, lots of prayers and fasting were my saviours. it got me through a horrendous times...

But now, I know there is no afterlife, the girl just died, that's it, light switched off, I can not make sense out of it, I am inconsolable, I can not find comfort in anything...... how do you deal with death when you lose your faith??

Teach us to care and not to care / Teach us to sit still.
What do we live for; if it is not to make life less difficult to each other
You are the music while the music lasts.
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Dealing with death
Reply #1 - December 10, 2012, 12:25 AM

I'm so sorry to hear that, Fara. I'm not sure what to say, other than time will heal, and in the meantime try to go about your daily life as usual to keep things moving and to not fall into a pit -which is very easy at those times and always hard to get out of. Make sure you surround yourself with good people for comfort, as non-believers the support comes mainly from those who love you. Take care.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor E. Frankl

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Reply #2 - December 10, 2012, 12:50 AM

Quote from: Fara7 on December 09, 2012, 11:57 PM
I am so devastated and heart broken because a dear dear girl I knew, who more or less grew up in my house was found dead a few days ago. She is/was very young, had a beautiful heart, and her whole life a head of her.

I lost loved one before, at the time I still had my faith, my faith helped me to deal with it and make sense, I said Allah knows best, Allah wanted my loved one with him, loved ones gone to a better place etc etc, lots of prayers and fasting were my saviours. it got me through a horrendous times...

But now, I know there is no afterlife, the girl just died, that's it, light switched off, I can not make sense out of it, I am inconsolable, I can not find comfort in anything...... how do you deal with death when you lose your faith??

Fara, so sorry to hear about this.

There are no easy words of comfort at times like this. Bereavement is like a tornado that you will simply have to live through as it makes you sad and question existence. Its cold comfort to say that this will pass and you will be able to approach life as you did before, but the ultimate meaning of the death of someone who is close to you is to clarify and emphasise how important it is for you to live a life of fulfillment and emotional intimacy with those you love.

There are no words to make you feel better at the thought of the infinity that your friend is now resting in. But you can deal with your sadness by staying close to family and other friends, and talking your feelings and thoughts through with others - now is the time to make full use of those shoulders to cry on.

Take care, and make sure you are surrounded by, and in communication with friends and family during this period of bereavement.

Comfort doesn't come with words but time will grind some meaning out - inevitably.

Lots of love and peace to you.

"we can smell traitors and country haters"

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Reply #3 - December 10, 2012, 12:55 AM

Fara I deal with death by remembering the good things about the person I lost. I deal with death by doing good things in their honour. I try and think of the positive impact they may have had on my life and nurture that so they live on through me. We can give our loved ones some form of immortality by remembering the positive impact they had in our lives and paying it forward. If they did good for you then do good for others with them in mind.

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Reply #4 - December 10, 2012, 01:49 AM

realizing the absoluteness of death only makes living each day that more important..

i still think it's important to feel connected, ... the thought that we become part of the earth again, and then one day we will join the universe as stardust again makes me feel better.. we still are part of something bigger Fara7.. my condolences

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NV9vdUjuWxc
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Reply #5 - December 10, 2012, 02:24 AM

"You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen."

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Reply #6 - December 10, 2012, 05:33 AM

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss Fara7

That's really lovely, Ishina. Personally, I actually found death harder to deal with as a Muslim b/c I had this deep-seated fear of adhab al-qabr; perhaps I had this doctrine drummed into me more than most or it just resonated with me stronger. Whenever someone died, I couldn't help but think of the Hadith where Muhammad talks about the agonizing cries of the dead *shudder* or the whole notion that nobody is guaranteed heaven -- even Muslims. I always thought the belief that our loved ones who'd passed away were in a "better place" was a Christian one because as Muslims there was no real way of knowing. I used to pray for my grandfather, who died four years ago, to be spared the "punishment of the grave" up until my apostasy because I was so paranoid and worried for his soul, despite the fact that he was a very lovely and deeply pious man. After giving up Islam, I felt somewhat at peace knowing that he was at peace.

I think the best way to deal with the death of a loved one is to remember and hold onto all the sweet memories you have of them and always know that they'd probably not want you to be crippled with grief so you should keep your head up for their sake. I hope you find a way to cope.
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Dealing with death
Reply #7 - December 10, 2012, 07:52 AM

Really sorry to hear that Fara!
Our time as a conscious being is so fleeting, which is what makes it so precious. Even though grief is so unpleasant, I think it is important to acknowledge it and embrace it. It is what makes us human. There is nothing wrong with tears and sorrow and missing the one we've lost. I think it is a good idea to surround yourself with friends and family and talk about your feelings and memories.
She will always live on in your thoughts. Words can be hollow at times like this, but I hope you can find, in time, some measure of comfort
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Reply #8 - December 10, 2012, 09:59 AM

I'm so sorry to hear it Fara7. Death is something difficult for anyone to deal with, religious/afterlife believing or not. I think the process of grief is natural and you just need to give it a bit of time at first. After a while it's like dealing with any sort of loss, it'll just leave you to remember the good times and appreciate what you have in terms of people and your own life.

Anyway, I'm sorry again to hear it, hope you feel better soon.

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Reply #9 - December 10, 2012, 07:48 PM

Thanks all for your advice and sweet words...

I always loved Shelly's song Apocalyptic Love Song, but now it really makes so much sense at this situation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6K5mQ_BR6g

Teach us to care and not to care / Teach us to sit still.
What do we live for; if it is not to make life less difficult to each other
You are the music while the music lasts.
T.S.Eliot
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