Hello everyone Im another newbie!
Sooo loving this forum!!!
Thought I introduce myself and my story. Im an ex convert, married a muslim man although the snare of islam had already got hold of me before I met him so I was all geared up ready for the perfect muslim life. I turned a blind eye to all the horrible stuff and told myself that the dark always balances the light and it actually makes it all the more believable!!!
I took to islam straight away as Ive always been a very spiritual person, I enjoyed all the practical side of things like praying and wearing hijab. I felt Id found the truth, everything I had been looking for, sound familiar!? I was determined that Islam was the truth and that I had to battle against all odds to stand up for what I believed in. I went through utter tumoil with friends and family, but I knew that I had Allah and that he was more important than any of them. But it wasnt long before cracks started to appear. I struggled to maintain my five prayers, wake up for fajr or give up alcohol for more than a few weeks. (I used to drink in secret with my non muslim friend LOL) I would hide to have a sneaky fag whilst out and about and took off my hijab when I got too hot,. But I believed it and thought I just needed time to become more knowledgable. This went on for three years until last march when I took myself to a sisters study circle and a quran class. I said shahada with the sisters and we all cried, I had said it to myself previously so it made it all official. I immediatly started praying all my five prayers, wearing jilbab and niqab, went to jummah every friday, gave up booze, smoking and started learning arabic. I began this ramadan with zeal and went to iftars and taraweeh. But the deeper I went the more I began to question it all, I denied the fact I had barely read quran for months, just books by scholars and other muslims. Then it dawned on me I dont like the quran, its scary, every other word is about hell and punishment and what about all my new convert friends, they were reading it telling me how far they had gotten each time we met for iftar. All posting inspirational quotes on facebook, saying how much they were enjoying ramadan. For me it was a nightmare, especially at work in the heat, sometimes I felt like screaming and running to a tap!! But I soldiered on knowing I was earning my place in paradise
And what about the person I was becoming? I didnt realise until now how prejudiced I was towards non muslims, how fearful and guilty I was all the time. The world was a hostile place and I must protect myself from it at all costs. The more I saw it all the bigger and louder it became. Ive lapsed before I told myself my imaan is just low thats all. But my saving grace was my art, I made the mistake of posting some pictures of my work on facebook thinking it wasnt such a big deal. Wrong! Moments later messages started arriving from all my lovely new friends that if I continue to make art of animals Allah will punish me until I can make them come to life and that I will recieve the severest punishment on the day of judgement!! woooaaaaah thats serious! Ive now got to give up the one thing I have left, the one thing still standing that defines me as being me. Yeah that was the moment of clarity, the realisation that Ive been well and truly corrupted. How could my creator be so petty and sadistic to punish me for all eternity for making art? For forgetting to pray or stepping in the bathroom with my right foot.... yeah the flood gates had been opened and I was finally awake.
Its been a bitter pill to swallow though as I really did love Allah, I felt important and cared about, I had a reason to live and an instruction book on life. Its all come crashing down and I feel very alone and bereft. But I feel joy also that I was able to come through this, my spiritual immune system has finally overcome this evil virus and Im free to live the life I deserve. Im not sure how Im going to get there as Ive made a lot of muslim friends and worry how Im going to tell them or if I should just avoid them? Ive no muslims in the family and I left my husband seven months ago, Im so relieved as I was thinking about remarrying! Its all so wierd thinking about what I can do now, and sooo enjoyed those two bacon butties ive just troughed
I kept having to stop myself saying bismilah and alhamdulila whilst eating them!!! I did it as an affirmation of my apostacy rather than a craving for bacon
Ive decided Im going back to being the real me, that crazy artist I was before, who pranced about in the woods all night and made tutus and animals sculptures. Im going to celebrate my creativity and womanhood not supress them. How I could have allowed myself to be imprisoned by this horrid cult I will never know, but now Im freeeeee! And I can only look forward to it all
Topic: Newly liberated!!!