I think I've done it right, not sure, my first experience in any type of forum.
Oh and Hi!
I'm Jibbs, I joined during Ramadan and kind of regretting not calling myself 'Hungry Hippo'
I think I read an introduction daily on this forum during Ramadan, my "holy reading", but I'm not sure where to start now. Well the straw that broke the camels back to join the forum was Seekers intro ( Hi Seeker!), I thought how I feel was very similar to what he described so another lost one.
I am fucking lost!!! Maybe some background might help. I haven't always been Muslim, well I have one Christian parent and one "Muslim" parent but I was baptized and neither give a shit about religion its just mainly cultural and I wasn't really in touch with the Muslim side. So I was mainly agnostic growing up and believed I could merge the good parts of religion but didn't believe in organized religion. Then I met a Muslim guy when I was 18 and he didn't really take religion seriously, you know drink, smoke, bang but refuse pork and fast most of Ramadan kind of guys. I was with him for 3 years and he always talked about his intention to practice when he was older, so for some reason he used to occasionally talk to me about religion and I used to think it was bullshit and we used to argue about it, that's when I started researching about it partly to help him and partly to refute him with his own material. I really loved this guy and thought we'd be together forever but obviously he couldn't marry me cos I didn't really believe in anything so that ended.
Like a moron I started having a sort of thing with another Muslim guy in uni, now this guy was so far from Islam so it was really unexpected when he came back to uni with a full grown beard, stopped
MOST of the haram stuff he was doing, but he was preaching to me and his other bit. So this took me a bit aback like why would these people give up their freedom for this, there must be something to it. So I researched it more and he introduced me to his family and these other sisters blah blah, long story short, me and his other bit converted to Islam. I was sort of engaged for most of my time as a Muslim, I didn't get married, but I went the whole hog, jabbed up, prayed 5 times a day, fasted Ramadan, sunnah fasts, went to every talk available, active member of the dawah brigade, volunteering, tried to learn Arabic, got rid of most of my friends. I genuinely whole heartedly believed in it, even the stuff that rings alarm bells in your head. I was the if there is sufficient signs to believe in Islam then my knowledge is fallible and God is not, so its my lack of understanding and my culture which makes this seem odd to me, kind of person. I just wanted to be a better person and became a bit of a knob in the process.
So I became Muslim in early 2010 and last year Ramadan, I don't know what happened it was like a bubble burst, I didn't see everything how I did, I could see what I looked like from an outside perspective. The doubts started and I was thinking how can the doubts start in Ramadan , shaytaan is locked up. It was pretty mild and I brushed it aside, cried a lot, wondering why Allah had taken away my understanding, why would he make me of those who's eyes, ears and heart is sealed. I didn't understand, I don't understand. I sinned a bit but I tried really hard to be a part of something that was the total opposite to my life. Lots of fall outs and arguments with family and friends about it, and Gods just gonna take it away and send me to hell?
Now a year later, I'm just a big old hypocrite, I did hate being a hypocrite for a bit cos I thought I was the worst of people, and now I just don't give a shit about anything, but I can't let go. I hate my hijab, I fuckin hate it with a vengeance, I feel like a ugly tramp that gets depressed when shopping cos I can't wear anything I like, but I won't do anything about it, I can't take it off. Its not even an issue of family cos my family don't even want me to be like this. I'm holding on to my Muslim identity it brought me a sense of belonging and I still feel it, I do actually want to believe, but I can't. I think I'm a Muslim but by old me's definition i'm a kafir. I don't pray, yes I fasted Ramadan, but I fasted a few years before I even became Muslim, i'm just a control freak and like the idea of it. I don't even know how to explain what is going on in my head, I feel like i'm going insane like theres a little battle going on with one side wanting to be Muslim and the other being like don't be ridiculous. I think to myself but I felt it once so it must be real, like what is it that these people (practicing Muslims) see that I can't anymore, how do they understand it but I don't. Why don't I care. With the issue of taking of the hijab its not an issue of feeling naked, because I've been covered for a few years, cos if I've taken it off a couple times when I've been out of the city just to see how I feel. I don't know if its cos I'm afraid what people will think of me, but I say it to their face that i'm pretty much a disbeliever. I'm just fake as fuck, I can't be around my Muslim friends cos they piss me off when they come out with bullshit and I have to pretend everything's fine and dandy. And I got rid of most of my old friends, the ones I do have don't get it when I talk to them about it, and think why can't I just take it off. Maybe its because if I take it off its all over, I don't know what I'm holding on to.
I loved the idea of a Muslim marriage, (the watered down version lol) and now I feel confused, cos I can't be fake and marry a Muslim, cultural Muslims who don't know shit about their religion but think its the best thing since sliced bread piss me off, If I marry a non Muslim he won't get my experience and how I still hold some of the values dear, so i'm going to die alone. 24 and I have a lifetime of celibacy to look forward to, great, bad enough having held off for 3 and a half years, but I know I would feel guilty if I did try to do anything. I do really love aspects of Islam like when I hear it or read it, it makes my heart melt but then there's things that make me think what the fuck was a I thinking.
Theres lots more little additives to what got me to Islam and what got me to here, but I just don't know what to do, I don't know what I want. Am I a Muslim? If i'm not what am I holding on to, I haven't even been Muslim for that long so why is it so hard to let go? What if it is the truth? What if God is a bit of a dictator and we expect him to be all loving but he's not and that's just the way it is, and you either follow or burn? WHAT THE FUCK! I am wasting my youth in limbo! I feel like a Islamic yo-yo, well mentally, cos at the moment I have no motivation to even try to be a decent Muslim. I'm just rather lonely and depressed about it all and don't feel like anyone really understands.
And so here I am, on CEMB forum, not quite sure if I believe or not, even though I agree with most of what is said here. A little bit of an insight into my haphazard mind. There are probably loads of mistakes above and it might not make sense cos I literally just attacked my keyboard to get my rant out. But thank you to anyone that takes the time to read or comment
Topic: Erm Hello?! Somewhat confused individual here.