I'm not entirely sure why I'm compelled to start a topic in this section of the forum. I haven't had a difficult life. I haven't had to overcome seemingly insurmountable adversity. I was born and raised in an ostensibly secular country--the US of A--which, although religious as far as polls and surveys go, was a safe place where I never had to worry about persecution. My family, though devoutly Islamic, were not horrible people. In fact, they were incredibly supportive and loving. Progressive, even, as far as Muslims go (which, I suppose, is not saying much, because Islam doesn't really allow for "progress." But it still means something, as I've read enough horror stories on this forum by members whose families were incredibly strict/conservative, and I'm thankful I wasn't raised in such an environment). I'm male, which means I never had to put up with the sexist and unfair restrictions Islam places on women.
In other words, not all that difficult or, consequently, interesting to read about. So why am I creating this thread if I feel it won't be terribly interesting to read? Perhaps the Scotch I've been sipping on all evening has sufficiently loosened my fingers. Perhaps it's because I feel I have the occasional interesting thing to say. Perhaps it's because, whether anybody else reads this or not, whether anybody else cares about it or not, my journey has been significant to me personally, and writing about it is cathartic for me. Perhaps it's because I haven't ever truly been able to express this to anybody who understands what it's like to be Muslim--what it's like to
have been Muslim, and this is the only place where I've felt any validation for the decision I made seven years ago--the decision to apostasize.
I was originally going to start at the beginning (a very good place to start!) with my childhood, religious upbringing, and my apostasy, but I don't feel like writing about that at the moment. Maybe I'll go into it in a later post. Besides, I discussed most of that in
my introduction thread.
Instead, maybe I'll briefly touch on what I think prompted me to start this thread: loneliness. Not loneliness in the strict sense; I've got plenty of friends, a handful of very close friends, a healthy social life, and no problem meeting new people. But they are all non-Muslims; some of them are religious, most of them are not, but none of them quite understands what it's like to escape the gravitational pull of Islam. And tonight I've been thinking about my family. My little sister, my younger cousins, and how we all understand both our family and our culture/religion, and how much I'd love to be able to knock back a few drinks with them and talk about how awful Islam is. The only problem is, of course, that I am the only person in my family that is an atheist, as far as I can tell. I have planted and encouraged subtle seeds of doubt in their (my sister's and cousins') minds, and I continue to water the seeds whenever possible. But ultimately, it's out of my hands. I love them and I'm very close to them, but I hate being unable to tell them about my apostasy. Unbelief is a state of mind at which a person must arrive on their own.
And, in my experience, belief/religion is like quicksand. A sudden shock causes acute struggle, and acute struggle only makes it harder to escape. The quicksand sucks you in harder. To escape it, one must use gradual and delicate strokes. The problem is, believers don't realize they're in quicksand. So as much as I'd like to call up my little sis and say, "listen, I don't believe in god or Islam anymore. I haven't believed since I was your age, and you shouldn't believe either because of reasons x, y and z," I can't do that. It would shock her, make her react strongly, perhaps even violently, and it would be counterproductive. The quicksand would only strengthen its hold on her. It would make her more religious, and make her try to bring me back to the "right path." Therefore, I must instead be patient. Encourage her to slowly and delicately climb her way out of the quagmire that is Islam. Only when she escapes it will she realize that she was even in it to begin with. At least, that's the way it was with me.
I know I have to be patient. But sometimes, it can be so hard to sit around doing nothing. Waiting, feeling helpless. I can only hope it'll pay off someday.
Topic: Iceman's Journey