Kid keeps giving his stuff away

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Kid keeps giving his stuff away
OP - October 04, 2013, 02:22 AM

I have a son who has some pretty serious socialization issues. He earns rewards for doing well for a week at a time in daycare. His last three rewards he has kept for 24 hours and then given away to kids he likes. Not all the kids ask for the items. I am concerned if he is buying friends, not concerned if he is being generous. I can't tell what his motivation is, because he is an evasive four year old. I can't afford to give him rewards anymore or let him bring things to daycare if this continues. Because poverty is my closest and dearest companion.
Tonight I told him he can't just give all his precious things away and then ask for more. I explained that birthdays are a great time for presents, but that I am buying his rewards for him, and not for his friends. The last two times this happened I said nothing at all about it.
Advice?

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Reply #1 - October 04, 2013, 02:48 AM

It's very difficult to explain to a child at that age. It sounds like he doesn't know how to make friends, this could just be age or it could be something different. I know you said he has a hard time looking people in the eye as well so I'd mention Asperger's Syndrome or something, but as his earlier years were in a culture where that was normal I don't know.

How long exactly have you been in America? Are their any issues with cultural differences big enough that he's simply feeling a stranger in a strange land or was he always like this?

My best advice is to just not allow him to simply give things away and try to explain that people will take advantage, that they won't want to be his friend, they'll only want to get things from him.

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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Reply #2 - October 04, 2013, 02:54 AM

We have always been in America, but were in purdah until last year. His problems with looking people in the eye is mostly about trust, and probably his PTSD plays a part in it. I think they are accustomed to the culture now, they don't freak out on me anymore when I give them food from a cellophane bag and tell them to sit in a chair. Their English is fine.

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Reply #3 - October 04, 2013, 03:04 AM

Had to look that up, in England purdah is the pre-election period. Have you spoken to his therapist about it? Think I recall you mentioning you and the children were seeing one. Did he/she have any suggestions or insights?

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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Reply #4 - October 04, 2013, 03:21 AM

What are you giving him as a reward? Could you give him something that isn't possible to share or give away?

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Reply #5 - October 04, 2013, 03:32 AM

Quote from: Quod Sum Eris on October 04, 2013, 03:04 AM
Had to look that up, in England purdah is the pre-election period. Have you spoken to his therapist about it? Think I recall you mentioning you and the children were seeing one. Did he/she have any suggestions or insights?

She is actually pretty happy that he isn't selfish. I was, too. The first time.

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Reply #6 - October 04, 2013, 03:33 AM

Quote from: Luthiel on October 04, 2013, 03:21 AM
What are you giving him as a reward? Could you give him something that isn't possible to share or give away?

I think you are right. I have to switch it up to arcade time or food. If he could bring treats for his class, he would still be sharing, but it would be cheaper.

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Reply #7 - October 04, 2013, 03:43 AM

My best advice is to try and explain that it will make the other children only like him because he gives them things, not because they like him for him. If he keeps it up that's how they'll view him, and when the treats stop it can be that much harder. It's difficult at that age because he may not grasp the concept, he'll just hear "It makes them like you and I'm going to stop it" but that doesn't lessen the importance. Have you asked his therapist to also try explaining it?

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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Reply #8 - October 04, 2013, 03:44 AM

I should call her. She's probably much better at this sort of thing than I.

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Reply #9 - October 13, 2013, 09:35 PM

What was his dad like? His dad's family?

I am my own worst enemy and best friend, itsa bit of a squeeze in a three-quarter bed, tho. Unhinged!? If I was a dog I would be having kittens, that is unhinged. Footloose n fancy free, forced to fit, fated to fly. One or 2 words, 3 and 3/thirds, looking comely but lonely, till I made them homely.D
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Reply #10 - October 13, 2013, 09:45 PM

Seems to be a cunt from what three has said. Better off without him.

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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Reply #11 - October 14, 2013, 02:05 AM

Quote from: devilsadvokat on October 13, 2013, 09:35 PM
What was his dad like? His dad's family?

Bad enough that today at the playground the oldest told me that "Since my dad is mean, I am going to grow up and be an engineer and be a better dad."
I never once told him his dad was mean, or bad, or anything negative.

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Reply #12 - October 14, 2013, 02:05 AM

Quote from: Quod Sum Eris on October 13, 2013, 09:45 PM
Seems to be a cunt from what three has said. Better off without him.

So much better off. They get to play with other kids now, and go outside.

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Reply #13 - October 14, 2013, 02:15 AM

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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