I have now been out of Islam for five years after having been Muslim for the previous 15 as an intensely religious Salafi Muslim.
The experiences and sacrifices I made in my life and career in the name of Islam are
enormous. I was only 21 years old with a bright future ahead of me. Long story short, I threw it all away in the name of this and that being "haram" and what have you. Fast forward fifteen years and I'm a 36 year old trying to rebuild (build) my life essentially from scratch. I did not have any credit cards or own a home (because of prohibitions on "riba"). And because I spent all of my extra money on "trying to establish the dawah", attending Islamic conferences, going to Hajj and Umrah and making other such trips, I didn't have any savings to speak of. I was broke and broken.
Another issue was that being a strong adherent to the concept of wala wal bara (those unfamiliar with the concept, and with the stomach can read about it
here: http://altahleel.com/assets/uploads/media/ebooks/all-muslims/Aqeedah%28Creed%29/alwalaawalbaraa.pdf) ALL of my friends and associates were Muslim. I did not have any non-Muslim friends and as much as I would have liked to maintain a few of my Muslim relationships, for them that was simply an impossibility.
I managed to rekindle a few old friendships from the past, but things just weren't the same. While still friendly and it was great to catch up, they had moved on with their lives. It had been 15 years. They had different (regular) experiences. And they could not relate to what I had gone through as a Muslim. This was also the case with my family. In those 15 years I missed weddings, births, funerals, vacations, Christmases, Thanksgivings and so much more. I can remember going through my family photo album and seeing so many events I had missed.
Plus a lot of "regular" things for them were quite new to me. For example, having not listened to music in 15 years, I was unfamiliar with a lot of songs and pop culture references. I was damaged. My saving grace was that I have some close friends that also left Islam.
Anyway, I don't want to turn this into a "pity me" post because I could go on and on with my mistakes.
The issue that made me realize that I may be suffering from some sort of mental trauma is that I have had a recurring nightmare over the past 4 years or so in which I find myself trapped back at the masjid against my will and/or being forced to be Muslim again. I had the nightmare AGAIN just last night, and the fact that it keeps coming back tells me that the trauma I suffered was much deeper.
This is a big reason why this forum is so very important. We can share these things and understand them on a level that NO ONE ELSE can.
Doing some reading I have found that many ex-cult members (and the brand of Islam I was in was indeed a CULT) suffer from a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Some of the symptoms I think I personally suffer from are:
- intense sense of shame and guilt (HOW, could I have been so stupid?? Why didn't I leave earlier? Look at my life now that I have sacrificed for Islam! I feel embarrassed.)
- preoccupation with thoughts of anger at leaders of the cult (That dickhead LIED to me to get me to convert!! But I remained Muslim anyway [see point above]. At various times my anger at myself and/or the 'leaders' was so intense it was paralyzing and admittedly unhealthy)
- sense of loneliness and difference from others, belief no other person can understand (self explanatory)
- persistent distrust/expecting the worse in people (hard to develop new bonds when you've been burned)
- recurring dreams/nightmares (been having those for four years)
- isolation and withdrawal (many times I am happier just sitting by myself)
When I get enough money, I plan to get some counseling, but in all honesty, what psychologist really understands these issues? I also know that on an intellectual level, I should "get over it", but that is much easier said than done.
I can imagine that with born Muslims it would be the opposite with family and friends. In other words, the sadness that one will possibly miss
future weddings, births, funerals, and holidays with the family. Eid was never much of a holiday for me as a convert, but I know that it can be a festive occasion for Muslim families. The sense of loss must be devastating. This is why the respect I have for those who "come out" to their families is very high. There are many who would rather remain "in the closet" because the cost is so high.
All in all, I am very glad to have this forum and others' blogs who have so graciously shared their similar experiences. Although I did not formally join this forum until a couple of months ago, I would regularly read the posts and other similar blogs. It is therapeutic to see that others had the same exact thoughts and experiences. Never underestimate the importance of the sense of community that these forums establish!
Topic: Religious Post Traumatic Stress