Religious Traumatic Syndrome - discussion
OP - January 23, 2014, 05:16 PM
I decided to start this thread after someone suggested we start one in Ex-Salafy’s thread about Religious Trauma Syndrome.
As a convert who converted to Islam in my late teens, my experience will differ from those who converted either later, or earlier, in life or who were born into the religion. As someone coming from a highly dysfunctional family background, my experiences will also most probably differ somewhat from the person with a functional and healthy family background. My social, cultural and ethnic background, as well as my gender, affects my experiences as well. However, after spending my life as a Muslim for almost 9 years, 5 of those studying the religion in depth, and who self-de-radicalized about two years before finally being able to rid myself of the shackling Islamic faith, I think that my experiences will partially overlap with a lot of other converts and born Muslims alike. Hopefully, others can add their own experiences and view-points so that we can engage in a constructive discussion perhaps being able to help others.
Here is my analysis and point-of-view on Religious Trauma Syndrome coming from an Islamic background. I do not intend to cover everything meticulously, but I will try my best to cover those topics that I feel are personally important to me. I am not going to reference with verses or hadiths when referring to Islamic theology or texts, but assume that the reader already knows them. Perhaps at a later stage, I could add the references if needed.
Symptoms of Religious Trauma Syndrome:
• Cognitive: Confusion, poor critical thinking ability, negative beliefs about self-ability & self-worth, black & white thinking, perfectionism, difficulty with decision-making
I spent many of my years as a Muslim highly confused, drowning in the cognitive dissonance that was my existence. The black-and-white thinking and world view was always present, Islamic theology and doctrine teaches Muslims that the world is divided in “dar-ul-Islam” vs “dar-ul-harb”, it is a very “either you are with us or you are against us”-type of thinking. This thinking will create animosity between Muslim and other non-Muslims, and is one of the reasons why certain type of hate and violence thrives within Islam (for example, the salafi ideology, al-qaidah and their suporters as well as other groups such as hizb-ut-tahrir etc). I myself was fairly radical during a period when I even sympathized with al-qaidah doctrines. Islamic texts also highlights that Islam will be “divided into 73 sects” and that only one will lead to heaven. All this combined creates a deep rift between different Muslim groups, and especially between the convert and his/hers non-Muslim family, which will be covered later.
Good Muslims should never question Islamic doctrine and beliefs that are “well established” or ask too much about the “mutashaabihaat”, which is the reason “allahu alam” is often heard or read when engaging in discussions with other Muslims. We are taught to accept Islamic beliefs at face value. The encouragement to “question and reflect” is actually deceiving, since the quran encourages us to ponder and reflect upon the “ayaat of allah” and not to question the very existence of god. So initially, especially non-Muslims and new Muslims, we are encouraged by Muslim scholars and the Muslim community to question and ask. But if you show signs that you are not accepting the simple and “clear cut” explanations given to you, you will very quickly be corrected to not “linger on the mutashaabihaat” or “allah knows best in the end” and that certain matters are part of the “ghayb” (unknown). Very often, the “we are not scholars”-card will be drawn. This means that certain opinions or doctrines that are seemingly contradictory or immoral are defended by explaining that scholars spent their whole lives arriving at this conclusion, and that it is not up to us to question it now because of “modern western ideology”.
The fear to be misguided, and the theological belief that “allah guides whomever he wants, and misguides whomever he wants” contributes to the individual losing faith in one’s own self-ability and self-worth. We are nothing for allah, he can destroy us anytime he wants and replace us with another creation. And we can never be fully sure that we are guided, but just try our best even though it will never be enough. We must fully rely upon allah’s mercy, even though there is nowhere in Islamic theology that guarantees us that we are under allah’s mercy and guidance. We can do acts of the people of paradise our whole life, but since allah has already created us for either paradise or hell, just before our death we can do something that earns us eternal hell. The story of the old man, the three brothers and their sister and Iblees highlights this fact very clearly. A pious old man was tempted by Iblees to commit shirk and kufr seconds before his death. This raises questions and differences of opinions about determinism and whether or not we have free will at all.
• Emotional: Depression, anxiety, anger, grief, loneliness, difficulty with pleasure, loss of meaning
Before converting I felt depressed, grief and had no sense of meaning in my life. This was actually the reason why I frantically searched for god in my very confusing teenage world. However, after accepting Islam the depression and loss of meaning took other forms, which were exclusively formed by the Islamic belief system I had adopted.
Firstly, the last two or three years of my Muslim life I felt deeply depressed because the Islamic code of conduct and morality repressed my own self and individuality as well as excluded me from partaking normally in society. This was because my way of dressing as well as all the “haram” and “halal” discourse and dichotomy prevented me from partaking in seemingly mundane and everyday activities such as work, school and social life. I had lost my sense of meaning and purpose because trying to fit into the very rigid and restrictive frame that I as a good Muslim woman had to conform to, I had lost myself. I woke up one day and realized that I was not a real person anymore; I was artifical. This realization was made even more difficult because I had been someone before converting, I had something to compare with. I once had my hopes and dreams, my personality and interests but all that was gradually destroyed because of Islamic doctrine and idea of “morality”.
Secondly, my difficulty with pleasure was mostly felt during my most radical period which only lasted a couple of years. This was because Islam teaches us how volatile and temporary this life is, while “real life” starts in the after-life. This was a cause of constant grief and inability to feel pleasure and happiness when experiencing pleasurable or happy moments in life.
• Social: Loss of social network, family rupture, social awkwardness, sexual difficulty, behind schedule on developmental task
Traditional Islamic doctrine and theology highlights the importance of “good company”, which means nothing else but an exclusively Muslim social network. Interacting and forming friendships with non-Muslims is only legitimate if it’s for the purpose of da’awah. If a Muslim still keeps company with non-Muslims, he or she will most probably receive “naseehah” from other Muslims reminding him/her not to socialize with kuffar, in fear that one will be influenced by their bad and haram habits or their way of thinking and ideology just as being burned by a blacksmith. When I finally took the decision to don the hijab, and just 3 months afterwards the niqab, I lost all contact with my old friends. Before donning the hijab, I had gradually cut ties with all my male friends and most of my female friends who liked to “party” or “talk about boys”. When finally being a fully “practicing Muslimah”, I only had other Muslim girlfriends who were like-minded. Even other Muslim women who were more “moderate” or deemed “not as practicing”/”deviant” were not potential friendship material.
Becoming more visibly Muslim was also the final blow to my family which ended in me being kicked out of my home and had all ties cut with my family. To back down and perhaps think that hijab was not as important as family ties was never an option, since obedience to god always came before obedience to the “creation”, especially if that creation happened to be non-believers. I was taught, with support from early Islamic history as well as religious texts, that I was going to be immensely rewarded and that god had something better in store for me. You must suffer and sacrifice everything for allah and Islam because we will not be able to say “I believe” and then not be tested.
• Cultural: Unfamiliarity with secular world; “fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, information gaps (e.g. evolution, modern art, music)
Islamic theology teaches good Muslims the “Toobah for the ghurabaa”-way of thinking as I call it. This is essentially the belief that at the end of times, real Islam and pious Muslims will be so rare that people will perceive us as “weird” and “crazy”. Whenever you feel “fish-out-of-water” or a difficulty of belonging and feeling alienated, this should be something positive as it is a sign that you are “on the right path”. You lose all connection with modern culture such as science, art and music because it is either deemed useless or “haram” and immoral. Holding secular beliefs and convictions is also an impossibility, if you want to be a pious and devout Muslim, since “legislation if only for allah”. The “information gap” was also made extremely clear when I became a mother and realized that my child would be given a very narrow world-view if I kept to Islamic doctrine and theology.
"The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
Topic: Religious Traumatic Syndrome - discussion