I don't know about the rest of you, but I grew up in a community in which zero-trust & constant accusations of immorality were made. It wasn't just me, many of my friends had the same.
It was definitely worse for girls than boys in the community I grew up in, although pretty bad for everyone. My friends & I constantly accused of doing things that we weren't (I only wish I could have done 1/10th the stuff my family accused me of!) everything from not wearing hijabs, to talking to boys, to going places we shouldn't, to talking to people we shouldn't, to having boyfriends, drinking, drugs etc etc...
The other side to being falsely accused of doing things all the time was being considered a generally dishonest & untrustworthy human and a liar.
This last aspect is impacting me as a grown up. After all the undermining & accusations, I have what I think is imposter syndrome. I always feel that people think I am lying and I feel sort of anxiety & lack of confidence when I engage with others. It is impacting me at uni, work etc & am finding it very difficult to change (even with my awesome therapist). I also feel am not good enough for anything, even though I *know* I am. My friends seem very confused by this aspect to me (which makes me feel a little more isolated as nobody really truly understands).
I wonder whether anyone else feels this & whether anyone else has had similar experiences & how you managed to overcome it. Is it permanent? Can we decondition ourselves? How does that work?
Any thoughts appreciated!
I feel the exact same way you do. We can decondition ourselves. You can use cognitive behaviour therapy, and your therapist will advise you on that. I like to argue with myself.
First I have to police myself and catch the echoes in my mind from those suspicious people I left behind. When something untrue is being narrated internally (Amriki girls are all whores, women who go out without chaperones are prostitutes, in my country girls who dress like that are killed for it, women fitnah) I catch it and I argue back in my head. It sounds crazy but it works really well.
One thing that also really helps is reminding myself of how each situation or negative internal narration would resonate with Western culture, and usually it is seen as completely barbaric. This reminds me that it is cultural, and not universal. You can even visualize this, explaining the scenario to a roomful of Westerners. Probably they would not even believe it. Seeing disbelief on the faces of reasonable people is a great way to prove to yourself how wrong something is, even if you have been told it is right your entire life.
I am always trying to prove myself to people, because of exactly the environment you have described, and I also find myself more suspicious of others, because I am certain they are suspicious of me and are just not showing it. I am always waiting for them to jump down my throat and start screaming at me. I tend to isolate myself, too, and I would say my self confidence is lacking.
The good news is that it changes. It doesn't change all at once, and sometimes that is frustrating, but change does happen. I try to take it slowly. Confidence, like independence, is a muscle you have to keep using in order for it to become strong. Just keep doing what you are doing and make sure you give yourself RECOGNITION for what you do right. This will help you to remember that you can make good choices, good conversation, good friends, etc. You have to point out to yourself that you are capable. Islam teaches and relies on dependency.
If nothing seems to be working, and you find yourself very unhappy, ask your therapist if you need to consider medication. I take a beta blocker, and all it does is keep me from panicking. It does not change my moods or my personality, besides eliminating those episodes of verbal paralysis.
I decided, when I left my family, that it was time to stop "being good" and start being right. All this suspicion and emotional abuse was to force us to be "good" in someone else's eyes. To be obedient. The good choice and the right choice are often not the same choices, at all. We are good enough, already. Good is a judgement I don't want, anymore.
You are not alone, not at all. I am there with you.
Topic: On Imposter Syndrome