living a double life

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OP - April 21, 2014, 04:31 PM

Hello all,

I am a fairly new apostate, and am living a light hearted double life from my fam. I have tried alcohol a couple of times, and on the odd ocassion may have a cheaky haram meal. But other than that I live a muslim lifestyle, which for a guy in the uk is not very different from a western lifestyle.

I have noticed there are several closet muslims on this site, with a few ladies who still wear hijab. Does anyone have experience of living a double life, what are the practical problems and is it worth it.

A perfectly just God who sentences his imperfect creation to infinite punishment for finite sins is impossible
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Reply #1 - April 21, 2014, 04:44 PM

Hi there follow double life liver

I wear hijab, dress fairly conservatively. havnt tried any haraam foods yet but thinking about buying a bottle of wine and stashing it in my room at some point.

I'm basically muslim by day and none muslim when everyones asleep

also fairly new apostate

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Reply #2 - April 21, 2014, 05:35 PM

Hi aside, welcome to the forum

"we can smell traitors and country haters"

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Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.
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Reply #3 - April 21, 2014, 07:22 PM

Hello Confusedagno

Do your family insist you wear hijab. the first time I tried red wine, I didnt like the taste, I prefer the taste of white wine, even that tastes strange to me. Im not sure if there is a nice tasting alcohol. I may start a new thread to get some opinions

Do you have non muslim friends you can hang out with?

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Reply #4 - April 21, 2014, 07:24 PM

Hi Billy,

Thanks, its nice to be here

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Reply #5 - April 21, 2014, 07:30 PM

I think we all go through that 'double life' feeling as an Ex-Muslim, especially when you're living with your Muslim family. Even living away, having to keep one face for your family and another for your world, well, kinda sucks. It doesn't help to maintain your confidence levels. There's an certain confidence that grows with having aligned yourself with your core principles, in-/outwardly.

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Reply #6 - April 21, 2014, 08:14 PM

My mum insists on hijaab, but im old enough to make my own choice. Just dont want to shock her, so Im going baby steps with her.

My brother is ex muslim which i just found out yesterday so i have him

Other then that no, just the two of us, but it is a HUGE relief to have an ally in this

"I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

"This is the only heaven we have how dare you make it a hell" Dr Marlene Winell
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Reply #7 - April 22, 2014, 12:31 AM

May be I can help with the alcohol problem. I suggest Coors Light (Canadian beer), cold shots (Canadian beer but stronger), budweiser (my fav but its fucking king of beers so UK must have it otherwise wtf?? i definitely recommend you start here), bud light is good too but I don't drink it much. If you want hard stuff get russian standard (best vodka out there imo and its cheaper than smirnoff which is just bad... well i nearly poisoned myself with it so I never touched that shit again lmao). Appleton jamaican rhum is good too mix it with coke or orange juice. I also recommend mixing the vodka with coke/cranberry. I gotta try wine myself this summer! Also if you find yourself another ex muzzie like you, well that would help a lot cuz you'd both be on the same page so it helps with keeping ur drinking habits in the closet. I've been doing this for a year now starting end of april this year. Drinking is fun just dont drink too much where u end up in the hospital! Learning your limits is key! hope that helps

oh you might wanna try smirnoff ice or mikes hard.
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Reply #8 - April 22, 2014, 02:14 AM

Hello aside. I have an opposite double life. I moved where no one knows me, or that I used to be Muslim. Hiding in plain sight, here.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
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Reply #9 - April 22, 2014, 03:16 AM

My aspiration is to shed off completely my second "life". This hell should be done and over with in the next 2-5 years...
I can't wait till I can live the life that I truly want not bound by some nonsensical bullshit.

Just like Johnny Flynn said, the breath I've taken and the one I must to go on.
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Reply #10 - April 22, 2014, 07:15 AM

^ second that

"I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

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Reply #11 - April 22, 2014, 10:14 AM

Quote from: confusedagno on April 21, 2014, 08:14 PM

My brother is ex muslim which i just found out yesterday so i have him

Other then that no, just the two of us, but it is a HUGE relief to have an ally in this

wow, that's great news. How did that come about?

"we can smell traitors and country haters"

Quote from: arX on May 01, 2011, 03:33 AM
God is Love.
Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.
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Reply #12 - April 22, 2014, 10:34 AM

Quote from: confusedagno on April 22, 2014, 07:15 AM
^ second that

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Reply #13 - April 22, 2014, 11:18 AM

I am already in here, I tell you. Plenty of room.

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Reply #14 - April 22, 2014, 11:28 AM

Hey Aside,

I also live a double life. It's very irritating to live this way because my parents are always telling me I have to learn Arabic and that I have to do everything for the sake of a sadistic god. One time I told them that I was an apostate but they wouldn't shut up. As of now, they still think that I'm a Muslim.

Me: Hey Allah!
Allah: KAFIR!
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Reply #15 - April 22, 2014, 07:02 PM

Another double life guy here. My mum is always shouting at me to pray. Most of the time I do it, but as of late I've not been bothered, resulting in raging arguments.
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Reply #16 - April 22, 2014, 07:21 PM

The core to leaving Islam is leaving behind the ideology. The rules society and yourself are bound by. It is largely an emotional and mental challenge.
If you've gotten that far, that's the main battle and the most liberating and freeing.

As to the rest of it. Make of your life what you will.
For example, alcohol is interesting. I drank even while I was Muslim. I actually drank more back then. Today, it just isn't part of my style. Maybe once a month or two, I might go out with buddies and drink. But it's not really part of my lifestyle.
Or for example, with pork. I've tried pork and will have it on pizza and what not. But I guess not having grown up with it, I don't really like it as ribs/bacon... So again, not part of the lifestyle.

You'll probably want to try all these things and more power to you. Just don't get yourself into thinking those things define you as an apostate.
That is to say, just as you would think
As a Muslim, I should not drink.
Don't think.
As an apostate, I should drink, eat pork, club, have lots of crazy sex with lots of partners...

I know you don't think like that, but watch for those kinds of thoughts.

If you live in the UK, chances are your community is largely Muslim, the food places are there are probably halal...
So you could probably just keep living how you're living, as long as you're happy about it.

Even things like parents/other people nagging at you to do Islamic stuff. The key is how you think about it.
My wife bugs me to go musicals. She knows I'm against it, but I go anyways once in a while.
We all do stuff all the time we'd rather not do.
Other times, there's stuff I just won't do and even with me as an apostate, my mom still bugs me to pray even knowing I left the faith.
Treat it no differently that if they complained about how you dress, clean, cook, show up on time...

The main battle is the battle of the mind and heart.
Don't be afraid to be seen doing whatever you do.
Don't be afraid of doing something you want to do because of some religious text.
Don't be afraid of family/friends...
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Reply #17 - April 23, 2014, 08:40 AM

Hello Scamper 22,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, your message struck a chord with me.

You are wise beyond your years, unless you are really old

I think the biggest problem is that im starting to struggle mentally with the secret, and having to defend my actions based on a faith i dont believe in any more. I may start a separate thread about that.

Thanks again

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Reply #18 - April 23, 2014, 12:40 PM

Hey aside,

My situation in the last few years of my own marriage to a Muslimah mirrors what you described quite closely. I was at first resigned to the idea of living a “secret” apostate life. I’d also drop little hints in hopes of getting my wife to see how irrational some of Islam’s claims were. I’d especially do that with the idea of hell. “Ya know, it really makes no sense to me that Allah would punish our son’s teacher for eternity, even though we both like her and she is a wonderful person, just because she wasn’t raised a Muslim.” It didn’t really help. My wife’s faith was, I think, more a matter of identity and comfort. Nothing I could say would make her see the absurdities the way I had seen them.

The pressure of it all was immense. I remember watching the movie The Departed and looking at Leonardo DiCaprio’s character who played the double agent and suffered from all sorts of stress and anxiety thinking, “That is exactly how I feel.

When I did finally come out and tell her what I really thought, all hell broke loose. My admission that I no longer believed that Muhammad was a messenger of God completely turned my life upside down. I was completely unprepared for it. My friends were all Muslims. My in-laws who were very close to me were all Muslims. All the people that I would normally reach out to for help were all Muslim. I was left completely and totally on my own as news of my apostasy spread throughout the community and amongst my friends and associates.

It was inevitable, I think. Though it caught me completely without a plan. Soon, I was divorced, in court fighting for custody, and dealing with real instances of harassment and intimidation.

Today, I am not even close to being a Muslim. My life has nothing to do with Islam and I am certainly happier. The religion itself seems so small to me in the grand scheme of things. If I had one thing I would do over, though, it would be to prepare for a more strategic “outing.” I could never have thought like this at the time because I never could have anticipated the outright aggression and hostility I faced from the people I loved and trusted, but if I had it to do over again, I would have saved loads of money, perhaps got a place securd, hired an attorney, and documented every instance of irrational aggression I faced. Not doing that meant that I was painted as the “bad guy” and was left without any support whatsoever from the people who knew me.

My advice to you, if you are really thinking of coming out to your wife, is to get all of your ducks in a row now. It may seem hash, especially as you are probably still thinking of them as your “family,” but know that there will likely be a lot of pressure against you and that you need to be prepared for it.

Take some time to decide exactly what you want to do. I often wonder if, as an old man looking back on my life, I’ll ever regret that night I told my wife the truth. I don’t know. Has it all been worth it? I’m not sure. Is freedom and the ability to be yourself really worth it? For now at least, I think it is. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
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Reply #19 - April 23, 2014, 01:53 PM

Thank you for your message happymurtad,

what happened with your custody battle,

Do you have a relationship with your kids now. Are they being raised as muslims

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Reply #20 - April 23, 2014, 01:58 PM

See all those problems...

Life is goooooood and happppppy without that marriage but everyone taking care of their responsibilities.. . ...lol...

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the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
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Reply #21 - April 23, 2014, 07:57 PM

Quote from: aside on April 23, 2014, 08:40 AM
Hello Scamper 22,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, your message struck a chord with me.

You are wise beyond your years, unless you are really old

I think the biggest problem is that im starting to struggle mentally with the secret, and having to defend my actions based on a faith i dont believe in any more. I may start a separate thread about that.

Lol, I'm not that old

Yeah, I get what you're saying. Someone doesn't see you at Juma or something and they ask you where you were. How do you explain to them that you're not going without 'outing' yourself.

There's no easy answers here. Maybe I'm fortunate, but I simply tell people I don't pray and that's the end of that.
You don't need to explain yourself beyond that. My main family knows, so that takes care of most of my life.
Heck, I've called myself a non-practicing Muslim to a variety of people so they can expect me not to pray and do whatever.
I've found people to be pretty accepting of that for whatever reason. Just don't renounce Islam, and I've found people tend to be okay with it.
They might pity you, feel you need saving, act disgusted... but whatever, that is on you to brush off... or come out publicly.

I remember in recent history I went to some function and I went to the washroom and I stood and peed. Some beard guy saw me and made some stupid command about how it is disgusting and how can I pray after doing that. I wanted to tell him to go f himself... I'm not even Muslim, but I just turned around and said I don't care and moved on with myself. He hasn't said anything to me after that.

Now, I do understand how the community can be. I have family in the UK and whenever I go there, it was just part of the routine. I'd go visit someone's house and it happens to be maghrib time, and it's just assumed that you go to the mosque. Being in Canada and living somewhat away from the Muslim community, this really isn't an issue. But I could definitely see that being a big issue and I'd probably want to put some distance between them. Maybe move to a different area so day to day living is not an issue.

The only time I might pray is on eid day if there is a function or something. In which case, I just treat it like I would anything else I wouldn't do.
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Reply #22 - April 24, 2014, 06:06 PM

this is interesting for all my fellow double life livers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ck6bTyquVd4

"I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

"This is the only heaven we have how dare you make it a hell" Dr Marlene Winell
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Reply #23 - April 24, 2014, 06:48 PM

Quote from: confusedagno on April 24, 2014, 06:06 PM
this is interesting for all my fellow double life livers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ck6bTyquVd4

great guy... great guy. let me add other tube that is relevant here from that "TheThinkingAtheist"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbYf5_S7oJo

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
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