Hi guys, should i say salam as an opening?
recently i just came out to my mom that im not a believer anymore. it happened like 2 hours ago (yes, in the first day of ramadhan). then we had a little bit debate (with a loud voice) and she finally can accept me by pointing out the tolerance surah (Al-Kafirun). but i can still see a mad face on her so.. maybe she just need more time (hopefully).
Anyway, i decided to left Islam like several months ago.
i was born as a sunni Muslim (non-practicing), start studying this religion during my junior highshool, then i encountered christianity and intersted to it, so i try to learn both at the same time, and it leads me to Sunni Islam. My experience is sunni islam wasn't that good, neither bad, lets say its complicated.
when i was a sunni muslim, i had a various debate in nearly every topic/issue within Islam, and the one who oppose my view is the sunni muslim themselves *sigh*. for example about music, beards, that isbal thingy (what do u call it in english?), niqab, khilafah, qishash, stoning, even a midget unimportant issue at all like shaking hands to the one next to you after shalat (this is the most mind-blowing issue i've ever been into).
then i encountered shia muslim, not the polite one because he quickly judge me as a hell's inhabitant along with all sunni muslim because he said all sunni worshiping abu bakr, therefore, we're a damned shirk that needed to be cursed all the time. and this story is real, im not exaggerated about it, but i know not all shia like this.
After exploring sunni islam for years, i decide to left the madhab, i tried shia but it didnt work due to lack of the source of it (and we dont have many shia activist in our country), then i came across to Quranism. it takes only a week for me to consider myself as a Quranist.
Quranism is way more more more more rational than sunni and shia, but short after i decide to explore more about this madhab, i found something.. confusing. Quranism also divided into 2 big sect commonly known as "ritualist" and "non-ritualist". Ritualist still perform shalat, fasting, and hajj. but the amount of prayer a day may vary depends on person's interpretation of the ayaat. while the non-ritualist dont do such things.
a year after, i decided to... questioning God.
"do You really exist??? really for 8 years im trying to find the truth about you and it leads me NOWHERE but into a deep ocean of confusion. if you really want us human to worship you, what makes you so hard to make it happen?? what do you really want anyway?? do you feel happy up there watching your servants kill each other in the name of You?? really God? or its just me who stupid enough to believe crap about your existence? maybe it wasn't you, it is me that have to wake up and re-thinking about your nature or existence! yeah im gonna do it"soon after i exploring ideas about God's nature, i came to the conclusion, that i don't believe God (abrahamic version) exist, but i won't deny any possibilities in the future about his existence, therefore i call myself an Agnostic Atheist.
anyway im soooo sorry for my bad english.
Salamun alaykum
Topic: greetings from jakarta, Indonesia