PTSD
OP - August 23, 2014, 02:11 AM
So I have PTSD, with a lucky twist, where I can still function and I do not experience flashbacks to the extent that they take over my reality.
I was not doing well, all summer. I found myself, last week, doing mindfulness out of desperation. It works as well as breathing techniques work on panic attacks. Really effective. It's not a cure, though. It's more symptom management.
The children were taking a sort of casual karate, with a lot of imagined scenarios by the instructor. The moves were practical, you know, my kids need to know this sort of stuff, with our honor issues. But we had horrible times after those classes, and after eight weeks of it my kids did not want to participate anymore. When PTSD son got worse, I pulled them out. I got better, within a week, but he is still trying, as usual.
So, one of my kids has PTSD, too. The others did have it, but were pronounced free from it over a year ago. It can reoccur, but I am hoping not.
There is this illness, called secondary PTSD, that you can acquire from living with someone who has PTSD. This is really common among military families, where generations serve in the same branch. They enter the military with a form of PTSD, from their batshit fathers who got drunk and went insane on holidays or whatever. Well, that might be extreme. Bascially, living with an unpredictable person makes you freaked out all the time. Having PTSD means that sometimes you are triggered by an event, and actually react to the past, rather than the present. It feels insane, and should look insane, especially for little kids who are trying to figure it all out. Unfortunately, children think their parents are reacting appropriately to events. They trust me, and they absorb paranoia and inappropriate reactions, and get jumpy if they screw up. I don't care so much about the other symptoms. I can hide the rest, but being afraid of someone's reaction, who is not even there, is mental. I am terrified by the noise or mistakes of my children. We used to all be punished for noise and mistakes. Mostly for laughing, and crying was just on me.
I also do not react well to being questioned. My ex was trained in interrogation. That throws a wrench into my treatment.
So you can see why I want to shed PTSD as badly as I ever wanted anything. I don't want to make my kids sick.
I have started talk therapy with the intention of pulling out memories and exposing them to the light so that they lose their power, because memories stuck in the fight or flight zone of the brain are what causes PTSD. But I did not talk about it, in session. I have PTSD, so I don't talk about it. If I did talk about it, I wouldn't have PTSD. You can see the issue.
I need a plan. I am a planner. I have had this strong impulse to lay it out, here, and ask for help. Probably because I feel safe in this forum, I am not sure, I am not exactly a great example of someone in touch with my motivations or reactions, for obvious reasons.
Does anyone know how to do this difficult memory confrontation stuff? Or, does anyone know how to get their therapist to hold them accountable and follow a recommended treatment plan, so that I stop avoiding the issue that has caused this issue? I tried to join a PTSD forum, I should be asking them, but they do not seem to differentiate between religious criticism and racism, which is nuts, and I know I will get banned for talking about the Sunnah and how it affects adherents negatively.
Don't let Hitler have the street.
Topic: PTSD