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 Topic: Dating as an ex-Muslim

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  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     OP - October 10, 2014, 03:13 AM
    It has been maybe three years since I stopped identifying as Muslim- I had to cut off EVERYONE I knew, because they could report back to my ex who might very well attempt to kidnap my sons....

    Islam taught me modesty- I am no prude but I do not believe I am able to have a casual sexual relationship.. I start dating a guy and within a few weeks he wants that and I show him the door. I respect myself too much to bow to social pressure. I am the mother of two young boys- That will always come first but it seems like it overshadows everything.

    I do not related to western men at all, to them who I am is so unknowable that I cannot imagine sharing a life with a man who was not raised either as a Muslim or some other strict, non western society. I thought that I would get over that, but whenever I tell them that I converted to Islam as a teenager and about my life after that--- I might as well have grown three heads, yet I cannot hide that part of me, it was SUCH a huge part of my developing into who I am today.

    Currently semi-dating a man from the Indian Subcontinent, where i lived with my ex for several years. So, we have that culture and language thing in common but he is still a Muslim, albiet non practicing at this time (we all know that can change) but he is interested in a more casual thing than I am..

    Did Islam totally screw me up or is it OK to have strong morals around this issue? Will I ever find someone? I have been alone for four and a half years.

  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #1 - October 10, 2014, 03:31 AM
    Well, you're certainly not alone in having modesty. I don't think you necessarily need someone to be an ex-Muslim to understand where you're coming from if you explain it well, but then I was never a Muslim
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #2 - October 10, 2014, 04:14 AM
    I'm the same too, been single for a long long time, all i focus on is my children being a success, islam has left me a prude, cant relate to non muslim men even though im english, or they cant relate to me actually because im so different to them now, wouldnt dare date a non practising muslim guy because they may turn back to fundamentalism.  Soon as i got divorced i went from, i could never date any man but a practising muslim, to ok he has to atleast accept prophet moh, to he has to be spiritual and beleive in God, to i dont really care whether theyre athiest someone with a pulse will do lol
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #3 - October 10, 2014, 05:46 AM
    Your feelings about sexuality are your business. Different people view different things as immodest/immoral. Personally if I was entering a romantic relationship with a partner I would have no problem having sex after a few weeks, or in the first week, or even the first date if we both wanted it. But that's me. You should absolutely not feel pressured into sex. If you feel you need to take your time, take your time.
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #4 - October 10, 2014, 06:26 AM
    Yep i agree it doesn't really matter if you sleep with someone instantly or weeks, months later, or have multiple partners etc, i'm not a judgemental prude in that sense, everyone is individual, its just a feeling i have inside, a fear that hasnt completely gone away yet from when i was all religious and chaste : )   My girls keep saying yolo mum yolo its their favourite saying to me lately lol   Smiley
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #5 - October 10, 2014, 06:39 PM
    Yolo?
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #6 - October 10, 2014, 06:46 PM
    ^I didn't know what that was either until not that long ago.
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #7 - October 10, 2014, 06:56 PM
    Not going to tell me?
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #8 - October 10, 2014, 07:24 PM
    You Only Live Once
    Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #9 - October 10, 2014, 07:36 PM
    yep  :  )
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #10 - October 10, 2014, 07:52 PM
     Afro
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Re: Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #11 - October 10, 2014, 08:29 PM
    Quote from: Quod Sum Eris on October 10, 2014, 06:56 PM
    Not going to tell me?

    Haha...forgot to put in the explanation=)
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #12 - October 10, 2014, 08:36 PM
    Quote from: asbie on October 10, 2014, 07:24 PM
    You Only Live Once

    You Only Die Once   phewww!


  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #13 - October 10, 2014, 09:04 PM
    Wasn't there a shitty dawah video not long ago with the YOLT (you only live twice) or something like that, as a response to the "hedonistic" or whatever idea behind "YOLO"? Cheesy

    "The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #14 - October 10, 2014, 09:06 PM
    I remember "Get Married or Die Fasting". Smiley
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #15 - October 10, 2014, 09:16 PM
    What does it really matter whether or not you have sex on the first date, or after three months? Or after you get married? I mean, you're gonna have sex either way, so what's it about the sex on the first week that is different from the sex after three months? Except that you've waited a lot longer and wasted time on dating before actually finding out if you get along well in bed or not? The idea that this has anything to do with modesty, or "self-worth" and "self-respect", is a patriarchal idea that first and foremost was installed in human culture/religion in order to control (in particular female) sexuality.

    Sorry, I just can't see it. I might chose not to give in and have sex right away with someone, but that sure as hell has nothing to do with any misplace idea about modesty or "right" and "wrong".


    BTW I don't see what motherhood has anything to do with dating and sex.
    "The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #16 - October 11, 2014, 02:53 AM
    I agree with Cornflower regarding it not inherently being about self-respect or modesty, but, at the same time, kismet, do whatever feels right to you. And if that means waiting until marriage, then that's the bottom line. Wait until marriage. You're not damaged in any way for knowing what you want and for hoping to receive it.

    It's hard to find the right person for you, anyway. Sometimes it takes ages. But I swear that you don't want to waste your time anyway with a man who doesn't respect your feelings on this. If, when you explain yourself to a man you're interested in, he pressures you or turns on you or loses interest, then you dodged a bullet. I swear you did. He never actually loved you, and you deserve someone whose feelings for you are not so conditional that they are dead and gone if he doesn't get his way immediately.

    Don't stress it, keep your eye out for the right guy, and don't you do anything you're not comfortable with. The right person will understand, and will wait as long as you ask him to if he's serious about you. Trust me, they're out there. I dated a man for two and a half years without sleeping with him even once. My apologies to that guy, but that was a great guy, and I couldn't have asked for one more respectful and loving, and to this day, we're thick as thieves. And there's no reason you can't find men like this, too. And they're worth the wait, and all the bad dates in between.
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #17 - October 11, 2014, 03:09 AM
    Quote from: lua on October 11, 2014, 02:53 AM
    I dated a man for two and a half years without sleeping with him even once.

    Why?
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #18 - October 11, 2014, 03:17 AM
    Surprisingly, it wasn't religion. I was blowing right by that by having dated him in the first place. But I was young, and it would have been the first time I had ever had sex, and I had wanted it to be at the right time and with someone who was definitely the right person. Also was terribly shy.
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #19 - October 11, 2014, 03:19 AM
    Was it completely platonic?
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #20 - October 11, 2014, 03:31 AM
    I wouldn't say platonic, no. We were exclusively dating, very emotionally invested in each other, and there was still kissing and more or less everything else leading up to sex. There were plenty of times where we slept in the same beds, seen each other without clothing, even showered some times together that I can recall, but we had agreed that, if I ever wanted to have sex, I would tell him. And I never told him, and he never pressured me.

    I was newly 18 when we'd started dating, and he was the first and only real boyfriend for me. Nowadays, I wouldn't have made the same decisions or taken so long to come around, but I'm glad everything worked out the way it did. Can you believe that we are inseparable friends after all of that? Grin
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #21 - October 11, 2014, 04:16 AM
    Hey something i've always thought about, do you think men and women can really be friends, i mean best friends, not aquaintances or casual friends..isn't there always feelings that get in the way or one secretly loves the other while the other is oblivious..  I have a best friend guy who i dont see or rarely hear from anymore, he regularly expresses how important i am and how he wants us to be together (as friends) until he dies kind of bonding talk.. but whenever he starts dating a girl he ignores me, soon as theyre finished hes back talking to me again, i decided to forget about him this time, why cant you still be my friend while you are with someone else, he doesnt stop talking to all other people just me, its weird and pretty upsetting..
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #22 - October 11, 2014, 04:20 AM
    Might be he's one of those where the world stops. I've known people like that, they don't mean anything by it, they just get so absorbed with the relationship everything else fades away a little. And I'm not sure why it's even a question can men and women ever really be friends, it's not only possible, it's common.
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #23 - October 11, 2014, 05:16 AM
    i mean best friends like very close, i think atleast one of them has hidden feelings for the other..   naw with this guy friend, he carries on talking to everyone else, nothing changes for them but drops only me until hes finished with that girl then hes back to being my friend again, declaring his undying love and feelings (as a friend) i dont appreciate it anymore, may aswell drop him.
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #24 - October 11, 2014, 05:37 AM
    Suki, that's strange behavior by him. He may have a thing for you, at a hunch?

    Quote from: lua on October 11, 2014, 02:53 AM
    I dated a man for two and a half years without sleeping with him even once. My apologies to that guy,


    Don't apologise, those were the best two and a half years of his life.
    Hi
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #25 - October 11, 2014, 05:53 AM
    Quote from: suki on October 11, 2014, 05:16 AM
    i mean best friends like very close,

    As I said.
    Quote from: Quod Sum Eris on October 11, 2014, 04:20 AM
    I'm not sure why it's even a question can men and women ever really be friends, it's not only possible, it's common.

    Quote from: suki on October 11, 2014, 05:16 AM
    he carries on talking to everyone else, nothing changes for them but drops only me until hes finished with that girl then hes back to being my friend again, declaring his undying love and feelings (as a friend) i dont appreciate it anymore, may aswell drop him.

    That's so shitty of him, I'd be hurt as well. Wouldn't blame you if you dropped him.
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #26 - October 11, 2014, 05:54 AM
    Quote from: musivore on October 11, 2014, 05:37 AM
    Suki, that's strange behavior by him. He may have a thing for you, at a hunch?

    Don't apologise, those were the best two and a half years of his life.

    Don't let her husband see that.
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #27 - October 11, 2014, 07:44 AM
    Quote from: Quod Sum Eris on October 11, 2014, 05:53 AM
    As I said.That's so shitty of him, I'd be hurt as well. Wouldn't blame you if you dropped him.


    Yeah i guess so..  thnx 
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #28 - October 11, 2014, 08:04 AM
    Dating as an ex-Muslim.........  Hmmm  all of you guys first go and talk to Sheik

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohXoIpvNBe8

    That Dawah pest is so smart he answered everything around the question of that guy on the phone except the question    Cheesy Cheesy
    Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything   
    I renounced my faith to become a kafir, 
    the beloved betrayed me and turned in to  a Muslim     
  • Dating as an ex-Muslim
     Reply #29 - October 11, 2014, 08:10 AM
    Quote from: suki on October 11, 2014, 04:16 AM
    Hey something i've always thought about, do you think men and women can really be friends, i mean best friends, not aquaintances or casual friends...


    Of course they can. I mostly have male friends, some of whom I've been with through multiple relationships, through marriages, through everything, and, with many of them, I'm extremely close. My most steady and dependable friends are all men.

    But I understand what you mean, you have to be careful. Some men will become your friend for more self-serving reasons. Needless to say, they're not true friends. Others, and this does happen more often than I'd like, have become my friend and then developed feelings, and sometimes this destroys the friendship entirely, or sometimes it's just a phase for him and we still are friendly in the long run, although the friendship is often not going to be a close one. It helps if he finds another girl. Sometimes, it's kind of tough to figure out what you're working with, which, I'll admit, has made me fairly aloof in any new friendship with men, even now that I am married, at least until it's been tried and true. But there are many in my life that are tried and true.

    I agree with what Quod said, though. I've known a lot of people who go off the radar as soon as they're in a relationship, and come back when the relationship ends. And, in either case, you shouldn't spare him too much concern if he's not doing the same for you.

    Quote from: musivore on October 11, 2014, 05:37 AM
    Don't apologise, those were the best two and a half years of his life.


     Embarrassed Musivore, you're so sweet, but I should hope not! Grin Late teenage years of forced celibacy? He's gotta go up from there.  

    And Quod, if the husband ever found this place, I think Musivore's comment would be the least troubling to him. Whatever TDR tells him will be the big problem. Cheesy
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