This maybe a really pointless post, but I hope someone can give me some mature advice.
I don't know how to put this into word, so I will just go straight in, forgive me if I go off tangent.
So, I have always broken love, infatuation and attraction down to chemical processes in the mind, a necessity for evolution and the survival of our species, and that this shouldn't be given anymore thought.
Now as you can imagine when conversation with peers eventually turned into the inevitable topic of "Sooooo, who do yooooo liiiiiiiike?" (It seems every person must say this question this way, as if it were some sort of linguistic rule in the English language) I was very much apathetic and quite bluntly uncomfortable as I had no idea what they meant, I often just picked girls based on their appearance alone, unlike my peers who go on to describe their crush's 'adorable' habits, intriguing 'manner' and 'lovely' personalities. It was then when I realised there is a huge difference between attraction and infatuation.
Before I go further I am not a misanthrope, but people are annoying and bore me, over a period of time. I can't seem to manage a friendship without me getting bored and just stop hanging out with them or stay away for a few days or sometimes weeks, before continuing our friendship. I often see people as entertainment, which is not a good thing at all I know. I am also curious and intrigued by people, and I like to figure them out with as minimal conversation as possible, but of course it is impossible to figure them out completely like that, so I converse with them and listen to their thoughts and feeling and quietly look for flaws in their character. If you are reading this you may think I am a sociopath I assure you I am not.
. (Although sociopaths do lie a lot so I guess you can't be sure.) I like to look for flaws in people, so I know they are indeed human, and that I am right that I am right about humanity and the human condition.
Now this all changed (when the fire nation attacked, I am so sorry, it had to be done.) when a young lady came prancing into my life in a ball of extreme niceness, warmth and cheerfulness. Seriously she was unlike any person I have ever came across before, she was so nice, warm and cheerful, it was downright suspicious and I was intrigued by her instantly. I decided to talk to her and I felt different around her, a queasiness in my stomach, I didn't think much of it then. But what fascinated me the most is that I couldn't figure her out, she was so contradictory. She had a slightly Gothic style, she wore a choker and a read sweater jacket and most of the time and Gothic t shirt, she would wear dark red lipstick and black eye shadow, that was the only make up I could see on her face. I was never really into the Gothic style but she looked beautiful. I made a hypothesis that her cheerfulness and niceness was front to hide her depression, I looked for symptoms of depression but nothing, so I would keep an eye out on her to see if she would remove her sweater jacket and one day she did. And what did I find? No scars. I then thought the scars maybe on her thighs, however it is not appropriate to ask a girl to remove her jeans, as it maybe misconstrued as a little bit rapey.
I decided to conclude she wasn't depressed. I then went through a myriad of other hypothesis over the next couple of weeks, that she was a sociopath or she was just really stupid, she is quite ditzy, but not stupid as it seems. As I was doing all this I realized this was the longest time I have ever thought about anyone, and this may be abnormal. I thought I might be obsessed! So I decided to research symptoms of obsession and confirmed I was not obsessed.
It took me quite a while to find one tiny minor flaw is that she was quite naive or so it seems. Which was obvious, so why did it take me so long? I came to the conclusion that I may have not wanted to find flaws in her and I was ignoring clues and tips. So why? And I came to the stupidly complex conclusion that I liked her, but not like I like a girl I see, but she made me feel queasy and stupid.
So after all this shit.
I still can't find a fault in her. But I maybe seriously attracted and smitten. And the reason I am telling this to you guys and not to her, is because she is moving to Toronto. So telling her all this would be a waste of time.
I just don't want to feel like a weirdo really, any advice or shared experience you would like to share with me, would be nice.
Topic: What to do with this feeling?