ex-convert here
OP - October 31, 2015, 09:01 AM
Hello All. I've been reading the fourm for a while and have finally gathered the courage to post. I signed up for an account a few months ago with the intention of posting then, but my husband somehow found out about my account. As I'm sure you all can imagine that didn't go well.
So about me: I'm originally from North America but currently living overseas. There's not really much support for ex-muslims where I'm at so I've come to this forum.
I am a convert to Islam. I grew up in a strict Christian household and while I drifted away from that in my teens, I never learned to use critical thinking skills or question things when it came to religion. I think because of this I was a sitting duck for the dawah crowd and didn't need much to be convinced of Islam. I really believed Islam was true and was happy to change my dress, the way I ate, my friends, my lifestyle etc.
After some time wearing the hijab, I was deeply struggling with it and started trying to understand more fully the reasons behind it. Due to some Imams/Scholars clearly lying and inventing reasons (that would often contradict each other) about why the hijab was mandatory, I couldn't trust them anymore and started to investigate the issue myself. My early research focused on the hijab but I quickly branched out and the more I read the more horrified I became. Long story short, I got to the point where I wasn't even sure the God of the Quran, the Bible or any other tradition existed. I'm still calling myself a Muslim at this point, but in reality I'm probably an atheist although I still feel a bit uncomfortable with that label.
I do have to pretend to be Muslim in front of others and I can't speak with anyone besides my husband about my beliefs (to an extent). My husband does know that I'm not really a Muslim anymore. When I told him, I thought it would be immediate divorce, but he basically said that he loves me for me and wants to be with me anyways. It's been a struggle for both of us, but even in the past year (we've been married for 3) I've seen how much he's letting Islam have less and less of a grip over him. While I did get sarcastic comments and insults for a while, it's stopped in the past few months and he's been quite supportive and doesn't seem to care that much about religion either way. He recently said that he thinks all religions are leading to the same God so I'm not sure what he believes at this point. It's still a struggle for sure, but I'm hopeful that perhaps he will one day wake up and leave the religion as well.
I feel quite alone though because I do have to pretend to be Muslim most of the time and I feel I can't reach out and make connections with like minded people in my life. I also carry a lot of shame at the fact I believed all of this and turned my life upside down for it. I'm so mad at myself for not being more careful. I feel like an absolute fool. I'm not sure if others have this issue, but this is something that has affected me quite deeply. I am really glad there is a community like this and I'd really be interested in connecting with other ex-Muslims.
Sorry for the length and thank you for reading!
Topic: ex-convert here