Insert Life Here 2.0
OP - July 06, 2016, 08:51 PM
This is a reboot of a reboot... Ok no seriously this is a way for me to try and be real and make sense my thoughts.
Not to be too dramatic... ok fuck it!
I feel like my life is collapsing in on itself right now, part of what drove me back to CEMB i suppose.
This place was a source of sanity for me back in the days where I was a fresh-faced student binging on the forums and chat rooms and kind of trying to break through a wall of depression and stumble... no... soar? into the "real" world... as a proud and confident Man... as an Ex Muzzie.
So... it's Eid today.... fuck... I don't know where to start. Sometimes I feel like a complete fake in all aspects of my life. My career, my religious behaviour... I don't know what the hell I'm doing sometimes.
On the "surface" things "appear" good, better than my confused 20-something self could have imagined. I have a great wife who accepts my beliefs, a home, the ability to provide and independence. On the flip side I struggle with sometimes crippling bouts of depression. I hate my job passionately and have invested so much in trying to be "accepted" or at best ignored that I've lost my way a bit.
My wife (the sensible one) lost her job at the start of this year and although I can support us at a stretch, when I add to that mental health issues and the fact i hate my career path, I feel like our future is just very fragile all of a sudden. Should I just suck it up? First world problems?
Then there's Ramadan, a month that feels like a tidal wave that swallows me up year after year. Why should it be like that? No one is holding a gun to my head, I was never part of any big community. But it's my small extended family of good hearted people who I have no bloody idea if they will reject me, to what degree I need to "come out" or if I can just find some middle way through this. So what I do is I distance myself from all of them, build a wall around me/us and just wait it out Again I feel the fragility of that situation too, like it's all going to fall apart.
Maybe the fragility I perceive in family/work is actually the fragility of my own mind? Maybe trying to create stability is making me unstable. If so what lies beyond this?
We're not really free if we censor ourselves, do jobs where we are not true to ourselves. Being real is all that matters. Our country, the world, just seems to have taken a path away from humanity, or is it just raw humanity bubbling back to the surface through the veneer of "civilisation" we tried to paint over it? Or maybe my short term millennial self centred memory doesn't remember that hey suffering has existed like, forever. Maybe the semblance of better times was really just a dream or a childhood of Nickelodeon and Disney.
In all this what keeps me somewhat hoping is spirituality. Beyond right and wrong there is a field, I hope I can make it there one day and maybe we can meet there.
Topic: Insert Life Here 2.0